BPD-bipolar disorder. nonsense. how did this even come up? damn moods. i hate them damn moods. ok i cope. i could care less. dark. depressing. poetry. poe try..haha. whitney came over. we kissed. wow. she doesn't understand depression. not at all. she didn't even care to ask. she just wants someone to kiss. we're not even together. stupid crap. i put myself through way too much. i want a relationship. someone to love me and help me through this. it seems easy but getting over it is so hard. i'm trying to be happy. but its time to stop pretending and really be happy. yay i'll be happy ashley. who would have thought? stupid me for sad thoughts. i should be happy. but i'm not happy all of the time. or i just don't want to be. maybe i like being depressed.?. maybe its what i'm best at. i dunno. its stupid. i shouldn't have even brought this up to mrs.allen. if i would have only done a happy poem for that project. but i wouldn't have made a 95 on it. it was very good and very personal.so whats the problem. i don't think i should have even started writing poems b/c everyone makes a big deal of it. its just me expressing myself and my feelings. i can't help i think like that. but at times its just a idea i have for a poem. its not really my world. but i'm not going to pretend in poetry and write about spring flowers and happy little butterflies and rainbows. and sunshine. eww.. *barf barf* its not me and it won't be me, ever. that what i'm scared of; change. "too silly" or just plan immature stuff bothers me. i do sing to myself, "don't worry, be happy" or "if you're happy and you know it".just to be silly. but i do have my moods. but that normal isn't it? i dunno. give me answers..