July 18th 2004 4:48 am I just cut myself again. This is beginning to get under my skin. The whole fact that I'm not better and no one notices. Is it that they don't want to or that I'm hiding it so well? I doubt that I'm hiding it. And I'm scared to just tell them b/c they blame things again. Mom will say its the books I read and daddy will just say its b/c I haven't been taking my pills. I can't say I've cut more either way but its not b/c I'm not taking pills and not b/c I'm reading books about cutting. Reading almost helped me decided that I didn't need it then I got upset so I cut myself again. I just hate the fact that I know school is going to be stressful and I just don't know how I'm going to take it. I just know I feel distant to my parents now so when I start school it will be easier for them b/c they don't have to put up with me anymore. Or just not as much. I really don't want to go to see Myra b/c I don't want to go with my parents but I do want to see Myra (Thurday, July 29th til August 2nd). She's my step-sister and I really get along with her. She knows thanks to daddy that I cut so I think I'll have to be careful. Very careful b/c she knows what to look for. I'm really scared. I don't know what to expect down there. I'm just scared to go anywhere. Well not really "scared" just too depressed and I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to have to be in a situation where I have to laugh and have a good time. I don't feel happy and I don't want to be happy. Well atleast I'll have my cigarettes. Yay! I'm going to be sure to take my notebook and a pen. I have to write or I know I'll be unhappy. If I can't cut I need to write. I've been stealing razors to get the blades; hopefully I won't do this when I'm there. Its like I tell myself that I need it although there will be a slim chance someone will find out. I don't care. But no one has caught me or found out. I doubt they would I hide it well. I don't want unused ones b/c they cut too deep b/c they're sharp. Its like no pressure and you'll slit your skin wide open. I did that once and it made me fear sharp things. So I use dull ones that hurt and take a lot of pressure to do anything and don't even leave a scar or bleed a lot. Thats why I'm getting tired of cutting with razor blades. I need the glass back that I used before but I gave that to daddy and he threw it away. Damn it sometimes I'm very stupid. Okay all the time. *Stupid girl*--