Today I felt so bad I felt like crying every second of the day. Even Josh asked me what was wrong. I just feel empty and I am really upset about daddy. He acts like he just wants to die and that hurts b/c I'm selfish and want him to see me grow up so I can have him. He makes me want to give up right now. I know I'd be nothing if it wasn't for him. So would mom. He's protected us and gave us everything we needed. I don't want him to die. I have decided I won't be happy until I get the fuck out of here. I want just to go to New York and start over. So no one will know me but Katie and I'll work on dead people and hide everything. I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to date girls and I don't want to be depressed. I just want to be normal. No more sharing my poems. I just don't want to share anything anymore. I'd still fuck a girl but I'll never date one again. I'm done with this bullshit. I'm fucking done with being sad. If I am sad I won't tell anyone why or anything about it. Forget everything.-- *Check out the lyrics to Clever Meals by Tegan and Sara. It's so true to me. This song is almost meant for me. I feel it in my heart.