I didn't take my anti depression pill today b/c I woke up real late. I feel like shit but I talk to daddy about me feeling like a failure b/c I can't control the thoughts of cutting. I want to make them go away. One night I felt like killing myself. I just want the thoughts to go away b/c even my laughs don't drain them out. I put on some KORN I recorded off the radio and put on headphones and turned the volume up to 27. It only goes to 32. Thats max volume. Well anyway it help some but then the song was over.... Daddy gave all my cds back besides marilyn manson and murderdolls. I hate that. I had my freak out fest again last night. I couldn't cut b/c they look for shit like that but I wanted to so bad. But I talk to my parents instead and smoked a cigarette outside ok 3 within 5 mins. (my parents do know I smoke) I just needed some air. I had to get out of the house b/c I knew I'd find something to cut with.--