June 4 2004 10:46 pm Today I tired my best to be happy but with me thinking about going to a psychiatrist. I'm kinda scared and I know I need help. But I can't help but think what he or she will think about me. I'm not the preppy teen that everyone seems to love. I really don't know who I am exactly. Which makes me depressed a lot. How do I go about "finding myself"? I've never understood that, I'm not lost why do I have to find myself. All of this might sound stupid to everyone else but it means something to me. That should matter. Every other time I figured out everything by myself with no help. This is so different and at times I'm scared of myself. I wanted to cut today I don't want those cuts to heal. I don't want them to heal and leave me here all alone. Thats what kept me from doing it again b/c I had those cuts there to remind me of feeling calm. But now I can't consentrate on one thing without thinking about my depression or feeling scared about getting help. Like I've always said I'd rather cut than be a problem for everyone. I don't want to cost extra money if it doesn't really help me. What if they do want to send me away? I've watched all those dumb movies and I don't think I'm crazy. I'm just having problems with people at school and adjusting to my weirdness and sexuality and trying to be excepted for who I am. And also trying to figure out who I am. I've always pretended to be something else and now I don't know who I am. What music do I really really like? I don't know. Linkin Park, Metacilla, AC/DC, Nirvana(of course), Blink-182, Velvet Revolver, The Rasmus, Rolling Stones, Avril, etc. Marilyn Manson and Murderdolls have very good songs and Marilyn Manson (or Brain Waren) is a very intelligent man and I respect him as one. Incubus put a lot of deep thought into their songs and I love them too. Besides music who am I in my poetry. There are a lot of poems I wrote b/c of someone who made me feel a certain way others are just inspiried by movies and songs. Sometimes even things I imagine myself. Same way with those few drawings I've produced. My grave picture came from a lot of different thoughts about old movies. The bleeding eye is some what about how I feel sometimes when I'm cutting. It hurts so much but you have to get over it or change the way you see things (hint get a glass eye or ignore the chips of glass in it). Life is either good or bad and you can make your's either one. Sometimes its harder to improve it but there's always a way if you try hard enough. My other one of a stitched up woman's body is the two years I struggled with obsessing about my weight and not eatting. I guess the same way with my pictures I could explain my poems. Some I read now and I just cry b/c I can't believe I ever felt that way. I am getting better but I have to push myself and try harder to help myself. i can't awake old problems to make these now worse. I'm not doing that sob story oh my father is an asshole and my grandpa died when I was young so now I have to smoke cigarettes, act like a bad ass, pretend I don't give a shit, and cut myself b/c I can't face my problems like a big girl. I'm fucking 17 years old I'm not four. I shouldn't have problems. And my problems aren't even a big fucking deal. People are having money problems and other people are dying what makes me think that all this means anything. I think I should just get over it. blah. Sometimes I make myself feel like shit. Maybe I'm making myself depressed. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself but hell no one else will tell me these things. Everyone else has felt sorry for me well I'm getting tired of that. I'm glad daddy took the cds although I do want my linkin park cd back but hell it made me cry I needed that. I wasn't mad just realized a lot from that. Why do I just sit and listen to the same cd and something same song over and over. I was driving myself crazy. I want someone to get mad at me and tell me they're getting tired of all this bullshit. Maybe if I know someone other than me is getting tired of it maybe my brain will quit this shit. grrr.... I'm fighting with myself here and getting no where. I still don't know who I really am. Stupid shit. Is the rest of my life going to consist of list and "keeping myself busy" and getting a lot of rest on a lot of meds. But if its my chance to stay sane I'm taking front row seats. Smoking my cigarettes help a lot. This radio music helps some. Give me some lithium and call it a day, please. Reading the book I got helped a little. I still need more understanding of everything and how psychiatrist handle cutters and depressed teens. I want someone to understand this and I need answers although I don't know the questions. I'm confused about the whole thing. I understand why I just don't know how to help myself get through this. No one understands that I solve my problems on my own and I don't ask for help this is frustrating for me. I admitted to myself I needed more help. I can't stand it but I do need help. I've tried for so long to quit cutting but I keep going back to it some how.This bothers me the most about this whole thing with me cutting. The cutting doesn't bother me its just not being able to find anything else to do to get the same feeling and that I can't help myself with this. I have my shit togeher and maybe the psychiatrist will just think I don't need any help but I really do. I still have those thoughts of cutting but I don't cut anymore. Its beginning to be easier but that only means I have to try harder not to cut. I'm proud that I'm thinking about it and not doing it but I don't want to think about it anymore b/c it makes everything harder for me. Sometimes I think I'm making myself feel this way although I do have a lot of locked up feelings.--