I've always thought I was spoiled rotten. I get everything I want and more. I have a great mother and daddy(who's really my s-dad). I get to smoke cigarettes infront of them both and they are bought by my parents. I'm only 17 but I also have a tattoo. I cuss and I'm attracted to guys and gurls. Debating my sexually in the past was unheard of. I've done it a lot but never told anyone. I always thought "I'm not really gay and if I wasn't I might be alone for the rest of my life". Well of course that thought has ended for me now. I've thought about having children. My nightmares about me losing the baby has always haunted me. It made me think maybe I can't have kids. I don't know for sure but presently I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not pregnant so don't get your panties in a knot. But what if I'm not a good mother. I've made so many mistakes in my life and have crossed too many bountaries. My time here on earth has consisted of a lot of pain and hurt. Mostly my fault. I want better for my future kid(s). But what can I ask for of them? Not to give up on a "God" I don't believe in. Do I choose a religion or preferrence for them? I back talk so do I tell them its wrong? I cuss and smoke how can I let them not follow my example? I have to raise them right in a good home. Would I want just to hold on to them and never let go? To protect them from a dying world. But I have to let time tell. B/c I have no answers to any of these questions. I know I have to change some of my outlooks on life. Life, as a whole and not just mine. I have other people sharing lives with me. Everyone could be effected by future mistakes that I might make. I fear everything that I have any power or control over. I fear the outcome of anything I do, work on, or take part in. And in addition to all of this will I be a good wife? Will I be good at anything? is the inital question here.--