January 02, 2005 9:56 PM I'm in a black hole as to what to actually write about. I'm getting tired of being helpless to what is wrong with me. And I'm sick of not knowing if I'll be okay tomorrow. I’m getting tired of hearing music that reminds me of so much pain. Like the song Glycerine By: Bush and I just love that song but it makes me so sad remember when Jon sang it to me on the phone and I just cried. I want someone like that, who will just sing to me no matter how much they can’t sing I just love hearing anyone sing my all-time favorite songs to me. It’s just another simple thing I love and a great quality I’d like to find in someone. I want someone that understands my depression and can make me happy. I just want to laugh.. that’s all. I want to know how it feels just to find that one person who understands me. And doesn’t want to change anything. And won’t be mad if I want to change simple things like my hair. I want someone who won’t be all over me and want to be stuck up my ass. I want to be like a grown woman and be able to go somewhere without them wanting to know where, when I’ll get back, and who I’m going with. Are they trying to be parents or a partner? Maybe they get the two words confused or something. I want to get some sort of job first. I do want to be a nurse but I also want to write. I’d have to maybe take a few classes but I know I could be good at it. I could write about things I know. I could maybe help people. That would make my life worth living unlike now where I only have “not wanting to make a big mess for my parents to clean up”. But I know my mom would go crazy, Jeff would feel about a millimeter of guilt, grandma might die, Miranda, my cousin would cry herself to death and never be the same again, and daddy of course would have lost his best friend. And I know my friends would care too, maybe they could go on with life but I’m not going to kill myself. I have to much I want to do. But at times it does feel like there’s nothing more for me to do although ‘get out now’. I just want to know how my life will be when I’m finished with all of schooling and I get my job. Will I be okay and always smiling or will I need therapy to get rid of this every 6 month-episodes? I’m worried that I’ll never be okay. It does scare me that if I get out on my own I’ll be nothing and be way too ashamed to come home and beg for money or a cup of sanity or whatever I’m out of at that time. I’ll be one lucky girl if I could just beat this depression. It’s very hard and I did think it was over. Obviously it’s never going to be over. Oh, that’s too damn bad isn’t it?--