April 22, 2004 10:36 pm Everyone has told me to smile. Ignore the fact that I'm depressed; just smile. What is smiling and pretending I'm ok going to prove. That were back to being young children and I can still pretend like I used to. I had to pretend I was the only child. There was nothing else to do. I'd pretend I had friends until I was in 5th grade. I pretended to be ok when I was falling apart the time I lost my childhood. I've pretended all of my life why would it be so hard to pretend I'm happy. I don't know. I never wanted to pretend so badly as I do now. I just want to pretend everything is ok and that I'll be just fine. Everyone else seems to also so why don't I? Pretending was never this hard. I remember a time where all I did was pretend. I pretended once last year I was fine when I was drinking all of the time and snorting pills. It hasn't been long since I stopped the pills but its been a year for the drinking like I did before. I drank every damn day. I don't want to go back to that ever. Can't I just pretend to be happy like everything is ok?--