2005-04-18 15:12:47 (GMT) A letter to Toy Toy, Yaah, I know I haven't realy been on here in a while! It's not that I haven't had the time, but that I have so much time that misuary is taking hold of it all and I can't catch my breath without first crying for him. I feel as if I've lost Kenndal, but I know, deep in my heart that I can never loose him, that even the thought of loosing him is rediculeus, but the pain is still real and still alive. I can't get on the internet at my house anymore. Daddy has parental lock all over that shit and this time I don't know his password so that I can change it back. The way he's got it I can't even get on yahoo, or go to my own sight! But, all that shit dosen't matter. I'm alone for once in my life, truley alone, and there ain't shit I can do about it. I realy ment all that I said to you Friday! I miss you Bailey! I love you!, but time has taken you away from me too. You have changed juzt like the rest of the world, but I know now as well as I've ever known before that, I am a forever constant being. I realize that you nolonger only need me to be whatever you need me for, and for you to constantly be consouling me that someone in this world loves me. You need other people now. You've grown out of me, and as depressing as that is I have to keep breathing and keep on this way in my constant state. You were the only one who ever truly knew tha way I felt about Megan, and how much I hated and loved my mama, and how alone I could feel, and how I felt tha first day of 6th grade when I was dressed in all black, with black hair, and black lipstick, and everyone picking on me but you. You were alwayz there, even then. You helped me through all my ups and downs wid Adam even when it delt wid yo own family, throough it all I juzt wanna say thank you! I also wanted to tell you that I am pregnate and that if anything ever happens to me and Kenndal, like we die or something, even though I know you never planed on having children, that I would want you to take care of Louie and however many other babies we have and let them know how much their mommy and daddy loved them and eachother!!!, and also make sure scilently, that Louie knows that we will alwayz love him best. Thank you so much for being hear for me through all of this shit, and for letting me help you when you needed it too! Alwayz remember, I'm your sister. Juggalette Hommies 4~life & Death!, Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-04-18 15:18:26 (GMT) Alone I realy miss Kenndal!!! Death is calling, but this time I don;t want it like the longing for a hug from a best friend, this time I actually want to live, this time I'm looking fored to it though I know that pain is probably all that lies in store for me, but I will except that pain, as long as I have Kenndal's love, whick I know will be 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I realy want to keep this diary up!!! I realy want my last few words to be known, but I don't know if they will be. I juzt hope that I have my baby aand I'm in Kenndal's arms before the end comes! Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-05-09 14:47:36 (GMT) Parting is such sweet sorrow Toy, Toy, Hey Chick!!!, It's been a while!, hasen't it??? Well I juzt wanted to let you know that I finally got your messages. I don't know what's to become of me, but I do know that now, I have a baby to protect, and love, and be the best mother to that I possably can!!! I'm falling appart. The real me isn't realy hear anymore, but that's okay. Some how I have to manage to survive, and make a happy life for me and my child, with or without Kenndal. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I will never deny that, but if nessessary I have to let him go. You of all people knows that it kills me to say that, but it is verry true!!! I don't know if I will ever see Kenndal again, I don't know if he will be here when I have our baby. What I do know is that I have juzt about everything I've ever wanted besided him. Through our love, (a love stronger than any other ever!), and through our making love, we have created the worlds most beautiful child!!!!!!!, and what more could I ask for??? Our baby came from pure, sweet, honest, commpashionate love!!!!!!! There was no having sex, or fucking involved in it! There was nothing but love!!!!!!! And for that, I am forever greatful!!!!!!! I would take nothing back, not even the pain that I am still experencing this day, of possably loosing Kenndal for all time. I know that with our chilld I have a chance! I will put all the love that I've ever held for Kenndal into raising our child, that way I will have never lost, but only loved. I wanted to say thanx for being here for me. I love you and I hope you and Eric do well. MCL, Christine Danielle McElrath I fucking love you Bailey! Alwayz remember that...here is something you wrote me a while ago. From: diamondlettefy555@yahoo.com Timestamp: 2005-04-18 16:33:55 GMT In reply to: A letter to Toy Message: Danielle, you kno that i am alwayz here for you and i kno you have alwayz been here for me too. We have constantly been reminding ourselves and each other of this, perhaps because we both dont want to let go of it. But we dont have to, because we kno that regardless of anything, we will alwayz be here for each other. And i have not grown out of you, yes i do need you less, but only because you have built me up, you have grown up in me. You have created me tha way i am, without you, i would not be tha way i am today, and you have made me strong. No, we are not alike, much, but there are traces of you running all thru me and we both kno it, and so does everyone else. Nothing can change that. We both kno that no matter what happens btwn you and kenndal, that you will never stray from each other. You will never forget, you will not need to push yourself to forget. Kenndal is a part of you more than any other man in your life has been, and woman for that. I am so confident to say that you would give up meagen for kenndal, a statement that is very dangerous to make but very true. I kno how much you love your mother out of desperacy alone, and yet how you respectfully hate her. What else can be expected? You must never let her consume your mind and pollute it and your love. And you kno that would happen, me, Kenndl, we would all be gone. You must never surrender to that which would destroy you. And you kno that if you ever had a child and i could get it, that i would under any circumstance. I have alwayz known that. I was thinking about it tha other day actually. Really, I would take it in for you and kenndal and you kno that i would. I would fight with everything to get tha child, and teach it about you, and let it kno every day that it's mama and daddy loved it so very much. Yes, you kno i am here and always will and now i have found a ay to stay over tha summer and be here. We have two years before you can get away. Just two years before you can leave all of this. Just hold on to anything until then. And we will alwayz be sisters, just like on ginger snaps back as they say, "together forever", no matter what. we will be true juggalette homies for life and death and nothing can stop us, just remember that if anything. Nothing can stop us, together forever.