4/26/06 Today was fucked…well at least part of it. James found out that Daddy hit me and then he got pissed as hell. I know that he was only mad at Daddy because he loves me though, and he can’t stand to see anyone hurt me or Louie. I just know that it would fuck everything over if James would do what he wants to do. It took me forever to convince James that I’d rather him not do anything about it. Only so that things will continue the way they are and we will be on our way to our future together forever, instead of James doing something stupid one time to protect me and then us never being able to see each other again, ever. James is the sweetest person in the world though! Just the fact that he wanted to protect me like that makes me realize this. What makes me realize it even more though is the fact that he could understand where I was coming from and he too saw that it would be better to do nothing for now. Fasting is hard…I mean I know it’s only been two days, but after you have a baby, and you have been pregnant before and know how much you can really eat, it’s difficult not to. LOL. I know that I can do it though because James has faith in me and we only decided to fast together for a week anymawayz. I hope that I don’t get kicked out of school at RCC. I’ve really missed a lot of days, but I have been working really hard though, when I am in class. I’m actually having a lot of problems with school now-a-days. Daddy might not be able to watch Louie anymore, and he keeps calling me a “bitch” and “just like your fucking mama” every time I mention taking Louie to a daycare, or nursery. I can’t weight until James and I have complete control over Louie. I mean, he’s my son Daddy, back the fuck off! James and I had a long conversation today. I love when we have them. Every time we have a conversation like that, I feel that I love him a million times more. We both get to know each other so much better, and end up loving each other that much more. Louie and James mean the world to me…no fuck that, the universe! LOL. I love James so much that I’m letting him read my diary that I would never in-trust in anyone! I hope to let Louie read it one day too. Actually, one day far, far, far into the future, (LOL), I would actually like to fuck with it some and try to get it published, along with many of my poems. I fucked up again today. I haven’t in a while, but today I cut once. It wasn’t deep, but I guess that’s not the point. I hope that I didn’t hurt James too much by doing it. I would never do anything to purposely hurt him, ever! I love Louie and James more that I have or ever will love anyone ever! They are all I’ve ever had, and all I’ll ever want! 4/28/06 Fasting isn’t working for me. I’m still fat! I think that I know from fasting, that I can actually go without eating. So, I’ve decided that after the week is up, I will continue to fast, (in a way), until I loose 20 pounds. I’m going to eat with James tomorrow, though because we both decided that tomorrow will be our cheat day, since we’ll be together all day. I wish that I could make myself throw up. For some reason I just can’t anymore. I think my fingers are too short, LOL. I believe that from now on I will eat like only once a week, until I’m skinny. And, if I fuck up and eat more than that during the week, then I’ll just have to find some way to make myself throw up. Of course, I’ll have to talk to James about this first…but I don’t think that he will mind. I mean, I am basically doing it for him, so that he will always think of me as beautiful. I just want to make him happy, but I also want to make myself happy, and being this big does not make me happy at all. I’m constantly thinking about how fat I am. I’m 5’3 and like 140lbs, and that’s not cool. Manny off of Degrassi is 5’3 and she weighs 103lbs, and she complains about being fat. Damn! That makes me look like a fucking cow! Anymawayz, enough about my weight…even though that’s all I seem to be thinking about lately. I love Samurai Champloo! It’s the shit! I’m listing to the soundtracks from it now…it really kicks ass! I wish that there were really still Samurai around! James knows how to do that marshal arts shit though, its soooo…fucking sexy watching him with his sword and staff! Sometimes, I wish that I was Fuu, and James was that crazy fucker that he likes, Mugan. I would love to live in the time of the Samurai! There was so much honor in everything in those days. Samurai Champloo is based in the Endo period, when everything was just starting to change for them…when the modern world was just starting to take over. It must have been beautiful to know the past and to be experiencing it, and yet witness the sparks of a new beginning in not only in technology, but also in life as they knew it. The way of a samurai was coming to an end…it must have been so sad. Okay now I’m blabbing about nothing, LOL. I’m scared that I might be pregnant. I don’t know what the hell to do if I am. I know that it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to have another baby right now, not even to the baby…it just kills me when I think about doing “that”. I know that I would have no other choice, though. But, James promised me that if I am pregnant, and we hat to do that, then he will make sure that as soon as we have everything in our control and have everything safe, that I will bear his child. I want to feel a part of James growing inside of me. I want to bring life that James and I created together into this world. But I also know that now is not the time, as much as it kills me that it is not. Right now we have to focus on us, James, Louie, and me. Having another child will come soon in our lives, but not now. It will come when we have things more stable. Louie is our son, as he will always be! We need to devote our love to Louie as well as ourselves right now…and that’s understandable, and that’s the way that I want it. Well I’m talking to my baby, James right now, so I will write back tomorrow, or latter on today. I love Louie and James 4~alwayz!!!!!!! 4/29/06 I don’t know what the hell is going on! Why does everything have to be so fucked up? I didn’t mean to do James like that, I swear! I wish that I would have gotten to see him for more than like one second. I can’t even remember if I told him that I love him. I hope I did, because I do more than anything! I know that he can tell that something is wrong. He just thinks that Daddy is hitting me again or something, but he’s not. Daddy’s words are killing me though. I can’t escape them anymore. They swarm around me like flies, and choke me as if they were a noose, tied only for the death of me. I can’t take it anymore! I don’t know what to do. All I want to do is breath. And yet, all that I’m inhaling is rank air tainted by hate and depression. I want out of this fucking place! James is trying everything that he can to help me, and I have complete faith in him. I just don’t want all of this shit affecting Louie, as it has me. I know that it is affecting him though. He’s been depression sleeping right along with me. Sometimes I just want to slip away…I just want to make the world go away. When I’m with James, that’s exactly what happens. He takes all the pain, self hate, and disgust for others away. When I look into the mirror, I want to die. I don’t see anything worth loving in me. When I look, or even think about the people who have turned my life into this eternal inferno, I am disgusted. I know that I will be alone. I know that I have always been alone. I am no one. I am who they made me and that is all. I’ve tried to calm my hate, but the anger burns on, and continues to eat away at my soul as well as myself physically. I’ve never wanted to embrace the darkness, but that’s always what I seem to do. I’ve never tried to stop it before. I always accepted it, as I have accepted, so many, other fucked up things in my life. I look at myself and I want to die. I look into my soul and I go blind. I see no reason to allow the pain to continue. And yet, all that I want to do is to build a family with James and Louie. I have no where to turn. All my exits have been closed off, bared and locked, chained and bound. Will I ever be free? Will I ever know who is me? God, my Lord, I beg at your feet! What have I done to deserve this? Was I wicked in a past life, was I not meant to be, or am I just an error in your creation? Tell me, my savior, what do you want of me? What is your plan for me? Was I only created to torture? Am I meant to loose all that I love? I just want to do what is right. I want to feel loved and be able to show the extent of my love as well. Why am I cursed with such compassion, if everyone that I love is taken away? Please, let me have the love of Louie and James always! Don’t take them away from me. Give me the strength to live on, to continue to love, to let all hate die within me, so that one day maybe you will finally accept and love me as your child, so that I can have peace, at least for a little while. I am harboring so much hate within my soul. I want to let that hate release. Sometimes I feel that homicide and suicide are my only paths out. Help me to make this not true, my God! Help me to erase this hate, so that my love for you, Louie, and James can do nothing but get stronger. Help me to live and bare the pain, without loosing my mind. I don’t want to die. Help me to see that death is not my only path out, please!