I almost lost myself again. I almost feel into anger rather than depression. I'm not me whan I do that...and when I feel that way it's hard to escape it. I was listning to Lam of God...yeah perfict music to go psycho to. I juzt have so much pain inside of me. What I choose to do with that pain determins who I am, determins weather or not I'm a good person. I try so hard to laugh the pain away, but some days it juzt dosen't work. I'd rather turn that pain into depression, if I can't turn it into laughter, than turn it into hate. All this pain built up inside of me has turned to hate over the years...and I'm sick of that hate eating at my soul. I want to lay it down to rest, and sometimes I see no other way to do that, than by my own personal distruction. I have to feel needed. I need to be needed. I want at least one person to cry at my funeral. I mean realy cry, not juzt tears of aproval, and tears of show. I want James to know that I love him, and alwayz have. I've alwayz known and loved him yet, it's only been within these few months that i've known his face. James is my soulmate and I must continue to live for him and Louie. It juzt gets so hard sometimes. Sometimes its so easy to slip away and so hard to stay focused not only on our dreams, but on my own wellbeing. I know that I must stay strong though, and I know that James will be here backing me all the way, with all his love and his faith in me. I can't weight until I get to see my baby tomorrow! I love being with James! Everytime that we are together it's magical. I've had all the demons, villons,witches and dragons, of fairytails controal my life for so long. I've been locked away in this tower of fear and pain for so long. False heros have tried to save me, yet they always fed me more poison in the end. James is my savior, my true hero, my knight in shinning armor, my samurai. I know that he is here to protect me 4~alwayz, and have love for me juzt as strong as my love for him and our family. Sometimes I fear that his anger towards my inprisoners will drive him to a point that he can't come back from. I would never be able to forgive myself for that. Louie and James our my every thing. James is my best friend in the world, my lover, my protector, and the father of my child. I can never loose him, and I know that I never will. I love Louie and James 4~alwayz!!!!!!!