5/2/06 I wish I knew why I keep having these fits of depression. I’ve always seemed to have them, even when they weren’t to be expected. I want to be beautiful, not just for James, but for myself. I want to purify myself and be made clean. I want to have a fresh start to my life. I want to have a fresh start for my family. James is working like hell with trying to get us out of here. I have complete faith and confidence in him. I just want to live and actually have the chance to be happy, as well as have the chance to make Louie and James feel the same way. Most parents want better for their child than what they had, but I want the best for Louie. Not necessarily the best cloths and car and shit like that. I want Louie to have the best of things that really matter. I want him to know, without a doubt, that both his parents love him unconditionally. I want Louie to be as educated as he could possibly be and I want him to be able to do whatever it is that he may love to do without any regret. I don’t believe in regrets. I have none. I want Louie and James to be able to feel that way too, especially when it is concerning me. I didn’t mean to hurt James yesterday, as he didn’t mean to hurt me, but things happen. I’m just glad that James and I are able to work through and talk about any problem that either, or both, of us may have. We complete each other. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, and as James would say, I’d have it no other way, LOL. I just ate and I feel like a fat ass. I’ve never had to really worry about getting fat before I was pregnant. I mean I knew that I was thick, but it didn’t really bother me because my stomach was still flat. My stomach isn’t flat anymore though, and it bothers the hell out of me. I mean I don’t have rolls when I stand up or anything at all…but I still have a stomach there and I hate it! I probably wouldn’t even notice it if I didn’t have stretch marks though. It’s strange I’ve always thought that small faint stretch marks on other people were sexy. But now that I have them…they make me want to fucking cry! Oh well enough about my ugly self, LOL. But seriously, I want to feel more secure about myself. The only time that I seem to feel any since of beauty within myself though, is when James holds me and tells me that he loves me. Sometimes, I can look into his eyes and I can tell that he thinks I’m beautiful. I love that look. James has so many looks and everyone that I’ve seen I love. I hope that I never make him angry. All that I ever want to bring is love and happiness into his eyes. I want to have the chance to be the perfect wife for James because I know that he will be the perfect husband to me. I want to take care of James as he takes care of Louie and I, but in a different way. I want to be here when he is hurt or mad or upset or anything about something that someone or something said or did, or anything else. I want to be able to sit on his lap, after he gets back from a hard days work and after he eats what I’ve made for him, and give him a big kiss and hug and be able to take any pain away from him that he may have. I want my smile always to be enough to warm his heart, and I want my body always be enough to make him quiver with lust. I want James to love and need me in all things of his life. I want to be his whole as he is mine.