Tuesday, May 23, 2006 Dreams Current mood: determined Our lives are filled with dreams, I believe it is human nature to hold onto dreams and hope when everything else is gone. Because they give you that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel...the willpower to pick yourself back up. I lost my dreams along the journey of life...among other things. I lost my belief in love, in doing the good thing for the very fact that it was good and worthwhile....of even wanting to be capable of remember the days as they passed me by. But I found my dreams, and hope for the future...because I found someone who is so much like me it is uncanny, we are mated to be, whether it is fate....chemicals, or what have you. And she has given me myself...something that I was never able to find on my own. She has a babyboi that gives me strength when I feel on the verge of giving up, because I want to give him better than I had coming up...I want to raise him, and teach him how to be a good man in a world filled with people who would rather sit back and watch the world go by, all the time hoping that someone will give them everything they wish for. I love her from the time I get up, till the time I finally catch a few hours of sleep at night....upon occasion she even breaks my cycle of nightmares and gives me some of the sweetest dreams I have ever had...even if I can never seem to recall them vividly enough when morning comes. I have been clean now for 2 months, and I finally feel like myself agian. We all have our demons, but at least now I am tackling mine with a clear mind, and a pure heart. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong time period, the mere fact I know what Bushido is says much to me about how strange I am...but oh well. Honor will give me the strength and resolve to accomplish my dreams, and hers as well. I finally understand life isnt about who dies with the most possesions, or how many girls you can sleep with...or even being at all the parties. If that was all that life was capable of giving you...we would all find it empty. Life is about love, because love is life. Love will make you happier than any drug, and making love is so much sweeter than any fuck could ever be. I find myself deeply in love, and thankful to have the girl that I do to love with all of my heart. Because she completed a person who has spent his whole life broken, and showed me that I existed even within the haze of smoke and chemical addictions. I plan on marrying her, and adopting her babyboi...they are my family and I would have it no other way, because they will drive me to succeed, and make me happier than anything else on this earth. If there is a god, I thank him on my knees for finding the one I needed more than anything, I truely feel that she is my soulmate...soo many things seem fated to be. She healed my wounds, and gave me the strength that I needed...and I am going to use it to build our paradise with my sweat, tears, and blood if need be. Because this is what life was ment for, and I have no doubt that I can make our future brighter than we ever dreamed. I love you Christine Danielle Talley, and never doubt it. You are my blue eyed angel, and I swear that I will be true to you. In every way. With all my love, James Cole Chavis 11:04 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Alwayz be together cuz were both under the Moon You are more than I could have ever asked for, Love. Your words enchant me as do your actions. We are ment to be, in this life, in past lives, and in all our lives yet to come. When I saw you for the first time, as I said I looked past everything. I looked past that wall buil of stone and brick and metal, I looked past the drugs, I looked past the hate and the fuck everything lets juzt fuck the world away aditude. I saw you when I looked into your eyes baby. I saw the real you, saw who you were designed to be...I saw that you were supose to be with me. I knew that we could both in time help each other in ways we never thought possible. I knew that our love would heal all wounds. I knew that every kiss would was all the world and all the pain away. Somethings I could have never know though. I could have never know how truly blessing it is to be with you. I couldn't have know how you mak emy world seem so much brighter. I couldn' t know that you would be the only person in the world to help bring me out of depression and help me to stop cutting. I could have never know that you would grow to love me and my son as your own family. I couldn't have possably known that you would make me the happiest woman alive. Although, I could have never guessed thesse things all of them came true. I juzt want to say thank you baby for everything. I can't sit here and say that I have written about all that we have accomplished together and all the love that we have shared...hell I've bairley even skimmed it.....juzt know that I love you baby doll 4~alwayz!!!!!!! Posted by Alwayz be together cuz were both under the Moon on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 at 11:22 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] The Lady Falcata Hey my lovely ex-stoner boy (never thought I'd say that, pun intended!!!)! Good to know that life's looking up for you! Things are getting better for me too, muffin! Of course, some shit hasn't changed, and it still weighs me down, but love always helps. Always, ALWAYS more than it hinders. Even in my case! I'm so SO glad you're happy, even if it caused me some pain in the beginning. Because that's all I have EVER wanted for you. The shadows you carry should never have been placed on you. That's something we have in common. And I think I've found someone to make them go away. For once, my lovely, I've stopped chasing the un-achievable and started noticing the beautiful things right underneath my nose and I am actually happy again. Here's to my ta'veren partner-in-crime...love ya much and congratulations on your future wedding. (If I am not invited I will be VERY put out. And I promise that the wedding gift won't involve explosives or edged weapons. Truly) If you need me, you know where to find me. I'm always here, always around. Stay in touch. I have too few friends to lose one who knows me as well as you. And things are getting rougher... I may need you before long. You've always been, always will be my security blanket. Who knows...I may be inviting you to MY wedding before long. Lol. I may have to send you plane tickets to Lebanon. Or China. That's where they're sending me for my language immersion. But you're on the list. The entire Brotherhood is...what a party THAT would be...dear gods. Lol. But anyway...I'm rambling again. Love ya Stoner Boy. Posted by The Lady Falcata on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 2:09 AM [Remove] [Reply to this] Crush My Dreams Hey. Wow I am at a loss for words. WOW. I don't think that I have ever heard you say anything like that to anyone. I am truly happy for you and danielle. I congratulate you on your future wedding and I am like Skip, If I'm not invited I will be soooo hurt. Cuz ya know your invited to me and Dean's (WHenever we decide on a date.... sheesh.) anyways. I hope that everything will work out for the two of you. Kayla PS enjoy fatherhood. Posted by Crush My Dreams on Thursday, June 15, 2006 at 8:14 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] xX¢¾I'm Just A Dreamer¢¾Xx James, omg, i just really don't know what to say. what i just read, was very beautiful and heartwarming! I am truly happy for you and Danielle, and i am very happy that she has helped guide you into a better and more fullfilling life!! It just warms my heart to hear that you are this happy, and i hope that's how you'll stay! I hope ya'll have a great, long, beautiful life together, and by what i just read, i'm sure you will!! All my blessings to you both, Sissy Morton Posted by xX¢¾I'm Just A Dreamer¢¾Xx on Saturday, June 17, 2006 at 6:18 AM [Remove] [Reply to this] Wednesday, February 22, 2006 As always, I dont even know. Current mood: mellow Category: Blogging I dont even know why I am writing this, but I might as well. Boredom and a straight mind seem to be an evil combination. Thats right folks, the guru hasnt smoked in 3 days...which is what some would say is a miracle. Others will be looking for the snow in hell right about now. I dont even know why..I just need to be able to think, even if thinking seems to be less than pleasant most days. I am actually trying to pull myself together at school...as I steadily work on a degree that isnt even in the field that I like. Personaly I like encryption/security which is solely in the realm of IT, internet technologies. But it isnt offered near me, and this was the closest I could get. One day I will figure out what forces so many people(including myself) to walk down paths that we have no desire to follow. Is it complaceny, or perhaps just...I dont know. I have ended up being a leader in my Intro to Automation class, which leaves me responsible for half a million dollars worth of robotic equipment..isnt life great. I am steadily teaching myself C , even if my teacher is about as slow as paint drying. And I have a naggin fear that trigonometry is going to beat me. I can not grasp math at all, and this is just hell. Strange to hate math and be an engineer..lol. I dont even make sense to myself. I am down to 165...which is only 15 pounds from the weight I have aimed at, for over 4 years. I suppose that is a happy thought. On a side note....I....have found meditation once agian, something I had strayed from for much to long. It helps, if not all that much. I feel as if I have a million thoughts rushing through my head...and I cant help but try to piece them together. I cant decide if I am just making more pieces, or if I am actually getting some type of picture. I suppose a little of both. I have started to come to terms with my biggest demon, my ex-jessie. She hasnt talked to me in a long time, but I have found it in my heart(whats left) to forgive her...now if only I could get around to forgiving myself. If anything, I have learned alot in the last couple of months. Some of the things I didnt want to know...but I suppose they help me. And as always, the buddhist had it right the first time. "To live is to suffer". I apologize to anyone who actually takes the time to wade through this, it is as discordent as my thoughts...but it helps me to piece them together. I wonder if love exists....I wonder if someone exists that will make me laugh and smile like I used to, but I guess we all do. I think most of all...I miss having someone to cuddle up to and talk to...a bed is a lonely thing. And the hours of the morning are much too long. I am lonely, and surrounded by people...that is ironic. But then agian, I have been lonely almost my entire life...it shouldnt be new. I wonder if I should even post this, considering some of the flames my last blog entry got. But oh well..it is a release. 10:33 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Hey baby...why don't u ever call me anymore? ummm....r u trying to get back wid that chix? It seems like ur not realy intrested in me anymore...I wish u would let me know something. <3 ya! Posted by on Friday, March 03, 2006 at 7:12 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Monday, January 02, 2006 Life as I see it Current mood: melancholy I keep trying to figure out why I am here, what I am good for. Every time I think about this I always come to the conclusion that there isn't a purpose. Which leads me once agian in the incessiant quest for a purpose. Its like I am finding a purpose just by searching for the purpose. In my hung-over stupor this seems very deep almost; as if it was a revelation....or (most likely) just more bullshit delved from the bullshit complex within my mind. I have tried and thrown out so many different views of thought.What does it mean when you get lost in your own lies....I either cant sleep or sleep too much...I cant eat or I eat too much....why the hell can I have no such thing as moderation. Its as if I am all or nothing...most of my friends would probally agree, but I cant say that it is the most enjoyable of expeirences as you switch between extremes. I am Wayward, perhaps someday I will find my purpose. But I dont count on it. 10:55 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Crush My Dreams Damn i am so fucking tired of hearing you wallow in your self pity If you really want to change than you will do it, But don't waste time pretending that you want to change when you really don't give a damn. It just makes you look pathetic. I am not saying this because I want to be a bitch, but I think that SOMEONE needs to tell you these things, you are starting to slip into nothingness and to tell the truth, it hurts to watch. Kayla Posted by Crush My Dreams on Friday, January 13, 2006 at 6:43 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] i know right...like i said babe ...all or nothing. Posted by on Monday, January 30, 2006 at 10:18 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] The Lady Falcata I wonder if you will ever possess the ability to see through your own bullshit. Or maybe you're happier just wallowing in self-pity and lying to yourself. Either way, it doesn't matter to me anymore, I just don't want you to get any more fucked up than you already are.. I tried to help. You make yourself out to be such a martyr. Here is a great big fucking newsflash: Get over yourself and actually TRY to do something about it. Then again, it is highly possible you've killed too many brain cells to try. All I know is that I would like you to get out of the situation you're in. No one deserves that, not even you, as pissed as I am at you right now. I wish you the best, provided you'll get off your self-pitying ass and try to better yourself. If you don't you'll never be any more than you are right now. And that's a fact. Much love. Posted by The Lady Falcata on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 5:27 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] (Death By Sexy) life is pain Posted by (Death By Sexy) on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 at 8:13 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]