I think I'm getting depressed again. I never feel fully happy anymore. I feel as though my laughs are forced, my smiles are torture and that nothing ever really pleases me anymore. I just don't feel happy. I'm tired of work. The work itself and the people. I hate sitting there for 5 hours a day and then having absolutley no energy after. I'm tired of everyone that I work with. I've taken shifts for about 3/4 of the people and it's always a complete pain in the ass to try and find someone to work for me. I almost have to pay them, or promise them food or something ridiculous like that. It didn't used to be like that. Everyone used to be so self-less and caring for everyong. It helped everyone too. It's not like that anymore. Everyone is a whore and won't work for anyone, even if they don't actually have anything planned...they just don't want to. I can understand sometimes, but I can't understand all the time. I did get this weekend off though. That's at least a plus... I'm going kiaking with Sarah for her birthday at Lilly Lake..where ever the hell that is?? It should be excellent anyways. I bought some new music today. Relient K, and Hinder..oh my. It's amazing. I never really get to do what I want anymore, and I never really have any alone time anymore.....so today was incredible. I laid on my floor after I got home from running errands with sarah and just listened to my music. It was utter bliss and.....I haven't felt that relaxed in a really long time. It was great. I'm tired of everyone throwing their problems on me all the time. I'm tired of people that don't have their own fucking opinion. I'm tired of being everyone's mom...except for sarah. Sarah understands, we understand each other very well. I'm tired of cleaing up after people. I'm tired of having no energy to do anything. I'm tired of not working out. I'm tired of not doing all the things that I want to do. I want to draw or paint a picture. I want to make a quilt or buy a punching bag. I want to find a new job for when school starts. I want school to start because the summer will be over. Summer this year has been more stressful then anything I have ever experienced. I went to Jackson Hole, but it wasn't even a vacation because I still had to get up at 8....I mean we did fun stuff like white water raft and hike..but..I just wanted to sleep in and do whatever it was that I felt like doing.....and if that meant sleep..well then I wanted to sleep. I didn't even get to do that. It was just more stress added onto my plate. Ridiculous. I don't know what's going on. Everything sucks and I can't understand why. I've never been so negative in my entire life. I feel like I hate everyone and everything and the only way to deal with it is to vent and complain and make everything a bigger deal then it is. I hate this. I hate all of this. Guido hasn't e-mailed me for a while and everytime I check and I don't have one from him I just want to burst into tears...I hate that feeling. I hate crying. I hate feeling emotional..but if he would just make some time and let me know that he's ok..then obviously it wouldn't be such a big fucking deal. Just don't forget me. I might go to Africa at the end of this summer. I didn't realize that my Auntie Claude lived there. I talked to my mom about traveling and stuff...I think I'm going to go with Sarah. Which would be amazing I must say. We just have to get our shots and tickets and she'll take care of the rest of it....well we'll bring money for souveniers and stuff...that will be sweet. At least I have that to give me a little motivation. I want to fly planes....that would be amazing. Or write...or something. But right now I don't do anything that I want to. This has to change, starting with Sarah's birthday. I'm going to by her Pride and Prejudice, but I don't know what else I should get her. I guess I"ll find something. I'm so drained. All the time. And I'm sick of it. Fuck everyone.