If I was going to design a restaurant how would I do it? I'll have to think about that. Anyways. Slept in until about noon, there was no reason for it. I suppose I should start getting to bed earlier than I have been, especially with exams just around the corner. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I need to get done though. Sigh. I studied for 8 hours today. First some note exchanges with Sarah and then Biology with Nicole. I'm feeling rather confident about it, so that's fantastic. I'm so unhappy. Being here just isn't doing it for me. It never has, but I guess events have just enhanced the feeling. I miss my best friend, and because of our foolishness it can NEVER go back to being the way it was. I was thinking about it the other day. When he shouted the alphabet all the way home, watching the Office, just being in house surrounded by his family which embraced me as one of them. I miss them. Sometimes I think pondering the past isn't a good way to go. It's not healthy. I just can't help it. I don't feel the same. I haven't laughed.. and I mean really laughed in such a long time. I used to smile so much my face would hurt. My sense of humor is becoming dull because his complimented mine in such a way that it kept me alert and on my toes. I'm not witty anymore. I'm not clever or quick with words. I'm just boring. I can't believe how much one person could affect my personality. And in one day, everything changed. One stupid conversation. And it was destroyed. I never knew that 2 people could cause so much destruction. I feel like if we can't fix this then everything I know and believe will crumble and fall to pieces. I feel like if we somehow can't work this out... then what good is everything that I've been taught. It hurts to see him, but it hurts worse to not. I know that he's not doing well. I want to sit down with him and talk with him. I can't. His sister gets married in the next couple of days. I'm not sure if I'll go to the reception. Part of me would feel like an intruder. And I want it to be a happy time for everyone involved... and that means [ i think] making myself scarce. I'm not happy without him in my life. I'm not in love with him, but I love him. I need his friendship to keep me grounded and alive. I find myself taking life so seriously- and it should be- but I need him to bring me back down to earth every once in awhile. I find myself trying to fill in the spaces that he left with people that just.. can't seem to fill it. I'm constantly filling my time with friends, but as much as and long as I am with people I go home feeling unsatisfied and empty. Maybe the relationship was unhealthy because I didn't realize just how dependent upon him I was. I fell apart when things happened. I fell apart. I wound up in the hospital a couple of times because of hysteria. One week I didn't get out of bed for 4 days in a row. I couldn't sleep- I've never had to take sleeping pills before. I couldn't eat- Daddy had to force feed me. I couldn't make myself go to school, and when I did I found myself in the restroom sitting on the floor after hours of crying. I fell apart. Things are obviously better. I'm going to school, and getting out of bed. Working out and eating normally. I'm making plans to get out of here and I'm trying to move on. I'm never going to be able to let go completely. Because I love him. And that's not going away. Ever. Not in a million years. I want Guido to be here. I want him to hold me and tell me that things are going to be ok. I just want to feel him near. I'm unhappy. I just don't know how to fix it. I heard a quote somewhere that said "Do something to make your healing a reality" I'm trying. I really am. I've come to barrier that I can't climb over, or push my way through, or dig underneath. It's just there, and I don't know how to move on. Ugh. I'm so emo.