I feel like I'm tugging on the sleeve of uncertainty. The longer that I go without hearing from him, the more I realize just how happy he makes me. The more I realize how desperate he makes me feel when I'm not near him. The more I realize that there's potential for love. There has to be a limit to the number of times one can fall in love. Hasn't there? I'm worried about my constant shying away from attachment. --- Since I've shoved the remains of our destroyed relationship under the rug there's been a hole, a vacant space. A gapping soul hole. I find myself constantly trying to fill it. Attempting to bring something into that isolated part of my being to spark some kind of new life, some thriving variable that will cause the feeling of being sewn back together. Our friendship was unhealthy, I'm only beginning to realize now just how much. I depended on him in ways that I myself have a hard time understanding, explaining, accepting. Mostly accepting. My thoughts unceasingly turn to it over and over again, dizzying my despair. When did the change happen, at one point did the relationship become unsafe and so bloody harmful- and why did I not see it coming from miles away? I blame the gradualness of the situation. It's not excuse. I'm a smart girl, that's what I privately like to think to myself. He made me laugh. Like no one could. He made me feel apart of a life. His life. He invited me to becoming a loved part of his family. At what point did I begin to love his family more than I loved my own? At one point did I focus all my love on him and lose the love that I had for myself. The loss was... almost sacred in a sad sort of way. I lost... well, me. Interesting. I love him. Still. More than ever, more than before. I always will, and it's God's doing. He's made the forgiving easy. It was never a question, which truly leaves me in awe with every moment spent pondering it. A gapping soul hole. Someone told me that I'd find "new happiness". I hope it's true, but how can he be replaced? I don't think he can, I would never WANT him to be and maybe that's the problem. Not the problem, just a stumbling block that I'll somehow have to push to the side but not totally get rid of. I have hope. Little hope. But it's there. I thought for a long time that if I possessed the power I would go back and change things. Sometimes I catch myself playing with that thought still but really... I'm not so sure if I wouldn't. Trying to peek into the future is never a good idea, but I see better things, brighter days, our friendship becoming closer. Never touching spheres completely but coming close and perhaps circling around each other. Drifting by each other, close enough to feel some kind of electric tension. Or not.