there's so much going on, i dont know what to do. i have so many mixed emotions, i cant get out what i really want to say. i always feel stumped. i feel really awkward and wanting. but seriously, sometimes, with these moments and these "risks" i feel really different. different in a good way. different in a refreshing way, not like i've changed, but like...i'm stepping forward, growing, finding, knowing. one day i'll figure it out, then for a short while i'll be satisfied...and then it'll all go to shit again.