i know what i want, but i dont know how to get there, or if i possibly could. i shoved some tums in my mouth and chewed. it was a disgusting relief though. something a person just has to do. shove tums in your mouth and try to get over it. how fast is this suppose to work? we were driving in the car and he wanted me to speak. i get passionate and emotional, i guess that's pretty stupid. i get pretty stupid a lot of the time. he wanted me to tell him what i was feeling, to explain my silentness. when i attempt to explain such a thing, i fall apart. it was pointless...i'm sure nothing got through. i wanted him to know my feelings werent Over. sometimes i think i'm completely alright, that i'm completely ok, but when we're walking together (just him and myself) i feel like we could be something. i feel like we would be right together. i feel "this is it." and then he left my room last night and we hugged in the dark and that was it. and now there's this other figure in my life. i cant want him because that's not our relationship. that's not how it's suppose to work. that's not how we're suppose to work. i'm so confused. i'm feelling inferior to Everyone. and what sickens me Even more is that i'm starting to try. it's not that i care in a sense that i care what you think, it's just the fact that i'm trying at all. what gives me this frame of mind? how much is too much? how much is too little? i'd rather not try at all...but then...where would that take me? fuck caring. sometimes i want to be numb and sometimes i want to feel. what the fuck. and everything written right here is not what i had in mind to write. i cant get it out. i cant get anything that i really feel Out.