Jen was sitting on the toilet. Clad in a tank top and blue underwear, she was flawless. Her red hair fell across her face in a twisted, tangled mess. I was situated on the floor across from her, sweaty, disgusting, and leaning heavily against the wall. My brown hair matted with unintentional dred locks and dandruff. My eyes blinked and my soul searched. I can torture myself a few times before I need to take a breather. Breathers stand for: Fuck, Cry, Scream, Shout, Yell, Destruction. I can torture myself many times before I need to shut down. Shut downs stand for: Sleep, Wallow, Lay, Bed, Dark, Fuck. I can torture myself a million times before I need to Vomit. Vomit stands for: Vomit. I can be numb to the point where as much as I try, the tears won’t fall. This isn’t a masterpiece, it’s just me. Sometimes I want to be as loud as a fog horn. Sometimes I want to turn everything off. Sometimes I want no one to hear me. Sometimes I want to die. The heater was warm. Maybe too warm. I was inhaling clouded heat and shower steam. My throat thrived on a coarse throb. I was waiting for the pills to kick in. My mind drifted from one moment to the next. I don’t know how I could feel anything. “Why don’t you go meet some strangers?” I mumbled. “If you’re just interested in existing, why don’t you just say so?” “Existing isn’t what concerns me.” “Anymore.” “Listen, Jen, I don’t need your presence.” “Good. I’m proud of you. Act like a savage. I do it.” “Fuck off.” She chuckled and grinned with little effort. It killed me, her whole awareness of existance. She had to notice how my smile cascaded the moment I saw her in those jeans. Fuck me. She had to realize that I couldn’t stop staring at her legs, her width, her figure. Fuck me. She had to not care when I looked away a hundred times, only to glance back for reassurance. Fuck me. “Really though, why do you even care?” “What are you talking about?” I glanced away and shoved my face into the hot exhaled heater air. “You don’t think I notice shit. You don’t think.” She held her face in her hands as she leaned over and relaxed her torso on her knees. Her skin was damp and glistening in the bright lights. The tile floor was cool and beginning to numb my butt. I gritted my teeth and sighed deeply. It was close to that moment where I needed to drop my head back, stretch my neck behind me, and issue out a distressed sound. The steam from the shower was beginning to thicken. I could barely see Jen as she muttered. “Caring about exisitance is just a weakness. The sooner you realize existing for others is pointless, the better.”