i dont need to be taught a lesson. if that's why this is happening, then it should stop. i dont need any sign of significance. i dont need any sign of higher power. if that's at all why this is happening then it all should just stop. i'm the numbest i've ever been in my life. it's either being numb, or unaccepting. i hope it's not the latter, because then i'm in for a big downfall in a few hours/days/weeks. i dont know what i'm doing. i dont know what anyone is doing. we're running around. we're stumbling. they're stumbling. they're picking each other up, but there's no point for me to be picked up because i'm not down. i wonder if they're wondering why i'm not down on the ground as well. i feel like i'm standing outside the circle and i dont know how to get in. i'm being welcomed with open arms, but i cant take that step, i dont want to take that step. deep down inside i know it's the right direction, but i just want to keep so far away from it. i want to keep yards, miles away from it. i find myself whispering, "mom..mom i want to go, i want to leave." and she looks at me like i'm a horrible person. or maybe she understands, and yet doesnt. maybe she thinks i'm shallow or selfish. i just dont want to be around what i dont want to be around. i'm not the victim. my sister is sitting at the table eating while i try to stuff potato salad down my throat before i think too much and cant eat. i'm not angry, i'm just not understanding. i'm not getting it. this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. i dont want to accept ANYTHING. i dont want to deal with ANYTHING. i just want it to all be over. i just want it to never have been anything. i just want everything to STOP.