i'm somewhat excited, so i'm clutching the steering wheel, driving fast. you have to punch it. i'm stepping on the accelerator and i'm merging. i'm not scared since last night. she's sitting next to me, i dont know what she's doing. eating, sipping her doctor pepper, which isnt what she wanted in the first place. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i dont know what to do about that. i anticipate much happening, but i'm not thinking about it too much because when i do that, nothing ends up happening. we plan on exiting an exit a little after sunset blvd, which is suppose to be the place to go. right off we merge on the wrong place, automatically ending up in downtown LA (a place i do not want to be, a place i have no idea about). and so finally we get back on the freeway thanks to her mom, of whom we call every second to save our ass everytime. something was going wrong. and we miss the 101 which is suppose to lead us to hollywood. i dont know what i'm doing, and she doesnt know any better. this displeases me. the trees are turning brown, we've been driving for so long. i get off the freeway and get back on, the opposite direction, we need to go back, re-trace our steps. finally we get off the freeway at the correct wrong exit. the whole plan was to find an invisible graveyard. invisible graveyards are hard to find. it's probably an hour. i end up making a huge circle. then hollywood blvd ends and turns into hill full of houses. when this happens we end up making a very retarded u-turn and heading back the way we came. in the midst of getting lost so much, i shout with redundant glee at the sight of the HOLLYWOOD sign. i live in southern california, you'd think i'd see the HOLLYWOOD sign enough to not blurt out a "OH MY GOD LOOK!" turns out, my cell phone cant zoom in that far. finally we give up the invisible graveyard search and perch ourselves on the top of a parking structure on Melrose street. I get out of my car and stretch my arms intently. Walk. Walk. Tire. Bored. Finally it was time to go to the show. I end up missing a left turn, and then a u-turn, and then another right turn, which leads to me needing to make another u-turn and then another u-turn and then a quick right turn. in the new parking structure by the show venue, the man that i pay to let me park there makes me get back into my car and straighten it out because "the back end is too crooked." i stare at him "are you serious?" he stares back at me "yes." we get inside and i'm insanely thrilled at the tinyness of the venue. and then finally the show starts. eastern conference champions is the first band to play. they are very good and i get an automatic crush on the lead singer. his voice is high and i dig that so much. i speak to him after the show, he shakes my hand and asks my name. mmmhmmm. the next band is called the parson red heads and it is complete with 9 people. i count them about four times, not believing myself each time. I need to use my finger to make sure i count each and everyone. and then when cursive comes on there is an abrupt mad rush to the stage, of which i'm very close to. everyone pushing and shoving and i'm grinning like a mad man. at one point, a drunken lad begins leaning on me with his whole entire weight, "i'm going to fall over," is my initial thought, but there is so many people holding me in place it could never happen. i feel pressure on my right hip. an elbow digging into me. it is hot and i am so fucking annoyed by the drunk. i'm pushing and shoving him, trying to get him off of me. he finally presses his hands to his ears, goes slightly limp, and then slips away through the crowd. good riddance. i pull up my pants and enjoy the rest of the show. i glance to my right and see this girl leaning against the stage, complaining she cant breathe cause the crowd is pushing against her. there's a very attractive young man that sees this and he's pushing people (including myself) away from her. i start to laugh out loud. the girl is moaning in "pain" and the basist of cursive glances down at her with a quizzical expression on his face. i'm still laughing. i shake the lead singer from the redhead band's hand. he tells me "thank you so much." i tell him "you guys are amazing." josh shakes my hand and asks my name, "amanda," i say. he nods, smiles, and says, "i'm josh." i'm wondering,"do you have a girlfriend?" i also shake vern's, the basist, hand. he's holding a beer and has the best stache i've seen in ages. his whole aura pleases me, i mean...he just looks like a very comical guy. greg is the other band member, and he walks up and tells josh to "give her a sticker, man." drive to mel's diner. eat. tuna melt. egg sandwich. tip the valet. he smiles as he says thankyou. begin to drive home. get lost again. find my way. pleased. it's literally almost 2AM. she's talking. she's talking a lot. you forgot she was with me. i lost her during the show when i was mentally deciding i could TOTALLY handle going to a show by myself. especially if it was a band i really enjoyed ie: The Decemberists. drive drive drive. she's talking about a guy she had a crush on and i'm realzing that she analyzes stuff so much that it makes you not know what the fuck she's talking about anymore. i want to reach over, touch her shoulder, and tell her to breathe. tell her to relax. tell her it's alright, it'll be ok. i drop her off. wait ten minutes for her to get EVERYTHING of hers out of my car. i open the front door to my house and lock it behind me. my brother is asleep on the couch and i wonder why. when i begin to pass it, he sits up and says "amanda...amanda what are you doing?" "going to my room." "come here." my brother is eleven. he grasps my fingers and holds them tightly. i'm asking him why he's sleeping on the couch in the living room. he's just staring at me with the most intense stare i've ever been given by him. i ask him if anything is wrong. he just keeps staring at me. his grip on my fingers is pretty strong. he just keeps staring and i'm wondering if he'll remember any of this in the morning. when i finally coax him to let go he lays back down and closes his eyes. i go to my room. sit on my couch. turn on my laptop and -amanda