Today was overall a pretty decent day. All during the morning I was afraid of facing him. I don't know why. I have friends who will stand up for me. It shouldn't even bother me. But it does. I let it get to me. I don't know why. In chemistry we just went over the test from Friday. I got a massage from Chris. Lindsey and I bonded. The history test got moved up a day. But I got a text message in that class. I can't read them since I sit right up front. So I sat at my desk in complete fear. I was imagining the worst but it just ended up being Evan saying he loves me. At break I talked to Michael. I did everything I could to ignore him but it was so awkward. English was pretty fun. We analyzed poems and solved riddles. Band sucked. We got in trouble. Lunch was pretty dumb. The douches wouldn't open the door before the bell rang. They're seriously the meanest people. Even Lauren wouldn't though, because you know if she did, that would upset Matt. These people aren't my friends. I need new ones. In math we did C++ stuff so that was okay. In dance we had the way cool guy dance teacher. I love that guy! After school Evan and Tara came over but then I had to go to symphonic orchestra. It was dumb. We got in trouble again. We got out at 5 though, instead of 6. I sat at home watching Uptown Girls and going on the computer and cleaning my room. I need to study for the history test still. I think I get most of it. And if I don't...oh well. Friday is the Horrorpops concert. And also a half day. And our 5 month. Saturday is the Shiny Toy Guns show. This weekend will be fun.

I'm scared. I'm scared to go to school on Monday. I don't know why. He can't do anything to me. Except make me cry. More. He's the biggest asshole I've ever known and probably will ever know. I wish I had never met him. I wish we were never friends. I wish I stayed at Foothill. Today I talked to Marissa. To let her know her mom was calling all of our moms asking why nobody's friends with her anymore. To tell her to come clean. She got mad. She said she isn't fucking him anymore. I called her a liar. She told me to shut the fuck up. I laughed. Then I got a text from that fucking douchebag: you're pathetic. why don't you just leave her alone. she's got enough to deal with without you being a bitch. So I replied asking why he's such an asshole to me, that I never did anything to him. I told him it's all his fault anyway that all of this happened. He said: why are you such a whiny annoying bitch? if you didn't expect everyone to be at your beck and call then i wouldn't hate you And I told him I'm always kidding when I ask for something. I never really want people to do shit for me. And I asked why he thinks he's better than everyone else. He replied: i don't. just know that i'm better than you cuz i'm not a back stabbing whore THis all made me cry. So it wasn't fun in dance. And it pisses me off the most because it's all so fucking hypocritical. Everything he said I was, he is. He's the most immature person I know. My parents know. They said that if he says anything else to me or threatens me or ANYTHING they're going to give Marissa's mom the copy of the letter she wrote me basically explaining that he threatened her and then they can press charges. Evan knows. He wants to kill Matt. But I made him promise not to do anything because that could just make things worse for me. He said if Matt does anything else to me that he will do something about it. Amanda wants to beat him up too. He's just a bad person. But on a lighter note... Tara and Derrick= CUTE! The Wizard of Oz= wicked awesome Evan's tattoo= hawt my new dress= best article of clothing I own. Evan= LOVVVVVVEEEE. The rest of my night was pretty nice. Listening to "backstabber" by the dresden dolls seems appropriate right now.

It always scares me when he doesn't answer his phone. I think the worst, like maybe he got hurt or in trouble or something. And then I get scared that he's ignoring me. I really need to stop this. But I can't. My voice is gone from Disneyland. It sucks hard. I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

Last weekend was perhaps the best one I've had in quite a long time. And I guess you could really say it started on Thursday. I took Evan to see When a Stranger Calls on Thursday and it was really scary. Even he jumped twice. It was nice having him hold me when I was about to piss my pants. But it also kept reminding me that it really doesn't feel like we've been going out for 3 months. It feels like a lot less. And I think I love it. I love him. I'm not tired of him, I don't think I ever could be. On Friday I waited all day just so I could go home. Well I got home and I nearly died because my cramps were so bad. I lathered myself in IcyHot and then Skylar picked me up to go to the Visions of Days To Come band practice. Justin+Matt+Skylar+Joe+Zack=my new best friends. I had so much fun hanging out with them that I stayed until 8 and I only left because Evan got off work then. It was so much better than hanging out with the normal Lunch Crew. It was relaxing and they actually listened to me talk and we just had fun, even if Matt stole my parka and they never actually had band practice. On the car ride home Skylar talked to me about relationship stuff. It was nice. I miss talking to him like old times. I think he really does care about me. He's someone who I can say really is my friend, even if we don't hang out that often, he's always there for me. Then I went home and saw my boy and we watched a movie. On Saturday I promised to spend the day with my mommy. First we went to Mervyn's to exchange some pajamas she got me for the cruise. I got a skirt and a tote bag and a small backpack (but I don't get anything I got Saturday until the cruise- I'll be on the cruise for my birthday and these are birthday presents). Then we went to Kohl's and I got a dress, and two shirts. Then I got Starbuck's and we went to Macy's where I got some more stuff and yay I got a new bra from Victoria's Secret! And other stuff. But ummmm oh yeah. It was really nice having a mommy-daughter day, and we didn't argue at all. I've wanted to spend a day like that with her for a long time now, and I finally got it. I went to dinner with my parents later, yummy sushi and then ice cream too! I spent the rest of my Saturday at home talking to Amanda on the phone and Justin online. I woke up today a lot earlier than usual and almost never got out of bed because my cramps were so bad. I eventually did and Jenna called asking if we were still hanging out. I said yes and then Evan called so he came over. Poor boy, he hadn't slept for two nights. He slept for like 20 minutes and I gave him a back massage and then we met Jenna at the mall. We ate a lot and walked around and uhh then Michael and Nick met us there and Evan had to go to work. Nick and I bonded I guess by being cruel to each other. Michael and I had a heart-to-heart and then we went to KFC when Evan called to say he was going on break because they wanted food. We all walked to the gas station and yay I got Monster and gum! Then I had to leave for Santa Barbara Youth Symphony and omg we're playing a piece by Dvorak. That is so exciting. But what is more exciting is that I have a trillion solos. AHHHH YESSSSS!!!!! Okay. On the way home I called Stewart and I always love talking to him. He's the best. He's one of my best friends fer serious. Then my boy came over. Mhmm. He can basically say he lives here now. I don't mind though because I love spending time with him. My weekend was so good for one reason. I spent it with people I don't normally spend it with. The band, my mommy, Nick, Michael and Jenna. And of course, my favorite person, my boyfriend. Yeah well that's a given. But I'm so glad I didn't talk to or see any of the lunch crew this weekend except tara, my other favorite person. And plus I got to talk to Amanda for a long time on the phone! THIS SATURDAY IS THE SOUNDS CONCERTTTTTTTT!!! AHH OMG YAYYYYY!!!!!! my birthday's in 24 days. I should sleep now though.

I still cannot believe it's possible to feel this way about someone so strongly. It's an amazing feeling, I will admit, but it's also really scary. I'm afraid of him leaving, I don't want him to leave. I'm afraid of not knowing what to do with myself if he does have to leave. I can barely go a day without seeing him. And even when I'm with him for hours on end, I still want more. I often feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I need to start focusing more in school. On school. Doing my homework. My grades are dropping again. I feel like it's too much, even though it's barely anything at all. I've been missing a lot of school lately, for appointments and such. But now I think everything will start getting better now that I don't have anymore coming up. I got my braces off and for a few days I really was in love with my smile. That love has worn off and now I don't want to look at myself for longer than 20 seconds. So this weekend. On Friday I sat in Matt's car for like EVER after school with Harmony and Josh waiting for Tara to get done with track pictures. When she was done Josh, Tara, Matt, Tyler and I went to Matt's house and watched the EmoRangers. Then Josh and Tyler left and Bruce came over. We just chilled until around 6:45. Then we went to pick up Scott and Harmony, (Bruce left), and went to the ice skating rink. We got our shoes and started skating but Harmony and Scott went to the car soon after. Michael came and we all had a lot of fun. But now there are more things to deal with in the Lunch Crew. Oh well! On Saturday I went over to Stewart's and Evan and Derrick were there and we made stuff for the music video Stewart had to make. We went to Longs too and I love them all! They're really fun to hang out with. We went to Jenna and Tyler's house by the beach and stupid Jenna wasn't home. We ate at Duke's and I was basically really close to Evan the whole day. I didn't want to leave his side at all because in the music video I had to cheat on him with Derrick and I didn't even want to think about the idea of that. We watched the sunset from the end of the jetti. We had a bonfire and filmed the video and had Girl Scout Cookies and I really really love him and yeah. It was pretty good. Even if I froze my toes off. Then he came over to watch a movie and I felt so bad because I fell asleep and I really wanted to spend time with him. This morning I had a HUGE headache and I had to go to Santa Barbara for like a bajillion hours for youth symphony. My parents are mad at me again and I don't know why and I just really want to see him right now but I don't think I can because I have homework and grrrr. Oh well. I think I'm gonna go and do that homework now.

A lot of things are really fucked up right now. So that's why I was just so glad to sit in Matt's car at lunch with 8 other people and just be completely relaxed as we sang along to Kelly Clarkson and Britney Spears. I've decided that Harmony is really cool. So is Rachel Harvey. Things with my mom are awful. She isn't talking to me. She hates so many things about me. She wrote a note to me and left it on my bed this morning: "Lauren- I've decided if you choose to be the way you are then I'll have to accept it- but I've also decided that I will no longer extend myself and do for you as I have in the past only to not be appreciated. So hereon you can go to your father for all the extras I've always made sure you had- I'm backing out." She told me last night that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and I was really scared she'd hit me but instead she went into her room and slammed the door and I just sat on my bed for a good 20 minutes thinking and crying before I had to call Evan. I didn't tell him any of it because well a)he was busy and b)it's not important to other people. I then had to call Marissa back, something I was definitely not in the mood for. She wanted to know why I told Tara her secret (which was something that had to be done eventually because the longer she waited the worse it would be when she told Tara) and Tara had to understand why I think Marissa is such a hypocrit. Marissa wanted to know if I'm even her friend anymore. Truth is, I don't know. I can't stand her sometimes. I told her she was selfish and she said she knew. But we just kind of let everything go and then started talking about other things. I'm not having a birthday party, the one thing I was really looking forward to this year. Nobody would be able to come because the only day I can do it, unless the cruise gets cancelled (something I'd be REALLY pissed about), is the day drumline has semi-finals. The only other people besides drumline kids I was going to invite were like Amanda, Tara, Evan and Stewart. So that means that my whole party I wanted to have is cancelled. Which I guess is good for my parents because they didn't want me to have it either. Tonight I have a concert for County Honor Band. I'm kind of excited actually. Today was just a bad day. I'm so pissed off and upset and confused and I just really wanted to go to Matt's house today to hang out and be with people and forget about everything. But I couldn't because I thought Evan was coming over before work and then he didn't and I didn't have a ride to Matt's so I just had to go to Starbuck's with Amanda and Tara. That just made me feel really gross and I have a headache and I don't want to see my mom anytime soon. I haven't talked to anyone about anything lately. I needed to let a lot out. Sorry.

Tomorrow=2 months. Yay! I've had an exciting weekend so far. Yesterday was a minimum day so Evan came over after school and we walked to Sav-on so he could get cigarettes and then to Foothill to meet Amanda and Tara. I saw a bunch of people and it was cool. Then we went to the mall and I got into a horrible mood because nothing fits me anymore and I was just being really self-conscious. Evan and I came back to my house so I could get ready for Morp and I started crying and stuff and he almost did too because he was really worried about me. I think it's just PMS but I was really scared because I always get like this in relationships and that's why I usually break up with guys. I don't want to lose him. At all. And it scared me to think that me being so dumb could cause us to break up. So then Tara, Marissa, Amanda and I went to dinner at Duke's and Amanda and I danced to Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes next to the jukebox and people looked at us like we were drunk. Then we met up with Keshara and Amanda's boyfriend at the dance and I called Evan and told him he probably wouldn't be able to sneak in like he had planned. I saw Aaron and freaked out. Then I saw Matt and Tyler and Marissa wanted to go over and talk to them but I told her no. From then on she started bitching about everything. She complained about it being too hot. She complained about no guys dancing with her. She gave me looks when I wouldn't dance with her. She complained about her stomach hurting. So we were gonna go outside for awhile but she didn't follow us. So we just didn't go back and we went to dance with Matt and Tyler. I also danced with Carrick but nothing happened. Evan had spies. Haha. They told him how many guys and girls I danced with and made sure nothing bad happened. So anyway we went back to Marissa and she had been like freaking out and at 10:30 she said she was going home. I didn't want to wait with her so she waited by herself and I danced with Carrick some more and then with Matt and Tara and Keshara for the rest of the night. After the dance Matt offered us a ride home so we said yeah but there was a fight outside. It got broken up but then it moved so basically we followed it but we got sick of chasing it because it kept moving so Matt, Tara, Tyler and I went to Matt's house. (His parents are in Long Beach.) We drank and Marissa called Matt (not knowing we were over there) and called us bitches because we didn't let her talk to Matt at the dance. So I had to go home at 12:30 and I was drunk and yeah I had fun though except I was pissed because of other things I found out about Marissa. I came home and called Evan and went straight to sleep and then he came over this morning and my head hurt and he had a bad hangover so we just watched a movie and slept and ate. People are coming over tonight too. Amanda, Tara, Amanda's boyfriend and later Evan and maybe Austin. My parents are gonna be gone for awhile so yeah it'll be fun. I love him.

I'm a good girlfriend as of today. It's Evan's 17th birthday!!! Soooo what I did is I woke up at 12am to send him a text message saying happy birthday and then after school I made him come over and I had a sticky note on my door that said "open the door and go look under my pillow." Under my pillow was a Hershey's bar (he's always eating them) with a note that said to go look in the microwave. In it was a card (that was so perfect it made me cry) and a note that said to look in the bathroom where tickets for the GBH show were. Then there was a note that said to go into the garage. I had put balloons all around the house too. And when he got into the garage I jumped on him and he was SO happy and it was the most amazing I've ever felt. He wouldn't stop smiling and then I gave him a note I wrote him in chem. So then he had to go to work. My dad came home and took me to Vons. (He yelled at me and scared me really bad, so I called my mom because I was that scared but she told me it'd be okay.) I got cupcake mix, frosting, and a Rockstar. I came home and started on the cupcakes! I made a bunch for him and even colored the frosting into 4 different colors. I made a sign that said "Happy Birthday Evan, I love you!" and put lots of glitter on it, cuz he likes glitter. After dinner, we picked up Tara and stopped by Longs to get a balloon. We went to KFC and Tara made me get out of the car (I was really nervous/embarassed) and go up to the window holding up the sign. He saw and wouldn't stop smiling and he said he almost cried. And then we went in and I gave him the cupcakes and the Rockstar and the balloon and he kissed me over the counter and yeah I can't wait til Monday because I wanna spend time with himmmm. I saw Wolf Creek with Tara, Lauren and Kent. Lauren and Kent hit it off, which was very good. I sat in Tara's lap when I got scared. It was a DUMB movie, but I still got pretty scared. Tomorrow I have to work at the car wash, granted it isn't raining. Evan'll be with his mom and family. He invited me but I won't be done til 2:30 and then I'd have to shower and get ready so I wouldn't make it up there til like 4. And then I'd have to leave quickly so I could come home and get ready for backwards and my mom wouldn't wanna drive me, she hates me anyway. We got into another fight tonight. That makes 3 nights in a row. She keeps making me cry. And I hate it. But at least they end up turning into happy tears usually because I'll start to read his text messages or something. I got 100 on my dance test the other day which made me really happy. And my audition is over, it wasn't even a big deal really. I'm gonna watch Pay It Forward now. ♥

so last week was crazy and scary and it isn't over yet but at least my dad came home. well there was no school on Monday or Tuesday, which was very good. But on Wednesday I was changing in the locker room, after dance and saw I had a new voicemail. It was from my mom and she had said, "Call me when you get this, it's important." My heart started beating faster, and I knew it had to do with someone in Oklahoma, either that or I was in trouble of some sort. So I called right away and the bell rang right after she told me and tears silently streamed down my face because my grandma was in the hospital and my dad had left for Oklahoma. It didn't even excite me to see Max Stowell and Keshara because I was still in shock of what was going on. TWO heart-attacks. Not just one. Two. And my dad was gone and I knew that meant my mom and I would be ripping at each other's throats soon enough. I only confided in Marissa. She walked me home as I cried and when she reached the car I immediately pulled out my phone and called Evan. He said he would come over and he did about half an hour later. I called my brother right after, I felt bad because I knew if I didn't call, he wouldn't hear from my dad. And it's his grandma too. He deserves to know. So Evan came over for practically the rest of the night, until like 11:30 or something. He comforted me and we mostly just watched a lot of TV and Grease! But it was nice that he understood that I was upset and wasn't up to doing anything exciting and that I just wanted him to be there for me. We went to dinner with my mom. She's crazy. Then we came home and watched more TV. On Thursday I wasn't myself at school but that was okay. I had to go to Tara's soccer game after school and Skylar, Marissa and Scott went with me and Evan stopped by Buena to say hi before he had to go to work. : ) It was me and my mom then. A scary thought. We couldn't decide what to eat for the longest time. On Friday I went to the mall to dress-shop for backwards. I found a super slutty dress I liked but decided not to wear. And when we first got there, Evan was there so I got to see him! After the dress-shopping was over it was me and my mom because I felt like I couldn't abandon her on a Friday night. So we sat in front of the house arguing about what we would get to eat and she got pissed and I regretted my idea of staying home for her sake. We went to Vons and got frozen dinners and then I think we watched a movie. I'm pretty sure Evan came over after work too.... On Saturday uhhh...Evan came over and we just hung out and then we saw Hostel. Then we watched a movie at my house. We watch a lot of movies. And he did the cutest thing everrr. (Even cuter than leaving a rose on my doorstep at 12:30 am!) He gave me this little glass heart and told me not to break it and then he was like "So do you promise not to break my heart?" and omg it made me smile like mad. He keeps doing stuff and saying things and I think about them over and over and I smile every single time anddddddd yesterday was 4 weeks! Yeah so I really really really like him. I've actually cried because he's made me so happy. (But justine, don't tell him that, haha.) Mhmmmmmm. And my daddy came home on Sunday and I had Santa Barbara Youth Symphony and then Evan came over and yesterday I had Symphonic Orchestra and tonight I have to talk to some people at Buena for the incoming freshmen and tomorrow I have an audition and I'm so fucking scared you don't even know. Well not really. I really shouldn't even say I'm scared because that's negative and works up my nerves. That's what I need to work on. I've been working on it for years now. And it still doesn't fucking work. But it's all good. I don't really want to make County Honor Band anyway, but I don't want to see another rejection letter either. That's one of the reasons my mom and I almost killed each other actually. She opened my All-State (rejection) letter before I even got home that Friday. Why does she have to open my mail? Anyway, then she kept saying "You didn't really want it anyway. You never practiced. Don't you dare say you wanted to make it because you didn't put in any effort." And it was constant. "Oh Leilani made it. Too bad you didn't. But you didn't want it, I bet she practiced." It was horrible. I told her to shut up. And my dad got mad. And then they both called me a bitch later on Sunday. My dad's never called me a bitch. And she just came in and said more. I can't take it. && I hate when Marissa makes such a HUGE deal about fighting with her parents. It's like it only happens to her. Well it doesn't, it's just I don't try and get sympathy from it when it happens so I shut up.

Yesterday I woke up to a phone call from Evan except it was only because he thought I called him first. So I ended up getting up anyway so I could go to the Oaks mall. My ipod got fixed!!!! && I bought a wholeeee bunch of stuff from Urban Outfitters and I got like 8 shirts for only 2.50 each and omg it was the best. I got 12 things for $80 and that's mostly becase one of the shirts was 28. But I got a new jacket for 10 bucks and I love it!!! Then Evan came over and ahhh it was cool. We went over to Tara's because Austin wasn't off work yet and I wanted to be with him still. Matt was there. I don't know why. He wasn't supposed to be. He just showed up. And Evan like really doesn't like him. So Evan and I had fun and it was realllllly cool because I've never kissed someone at the start of the new year before! It was really special. He makes me feel really good and I like him a lot still and tomorrow is 3 weekssss. Tonight we're seeing a movie. Oh but anyway, the boys had to leave at 12:30 and then Tara's brother and his friend came up and chilled with us and slept upstairs with us. They're pretty chill so it was okay. I got a text message from Jeremy. Asking when we're gonna hang out. And it felt really good to tell him we aren't because I have a boyfriend. God. He thinks he's so hot. He thinks everyone just wants to go down on him. He's such a slut. And a horrible guy to girls. So right after the Jeremy thing I texted Evan telling him he's amazing. Because well, it's true. We went to sleep at like 3 and woke up at 11. I love waking up in the morning at Tara's house because things get really crazy. It was FUN. I have to take a showerrrr. Oh, but I'm sad too. There's a huge fire in Oklahoma and it burned down my grandpa's shed in his backyard and there's fire all around his house. They evacuated my grandma because she can't walk, so she's at the hospital. They showed his house on TV too and my uncle's helping him out. My other aunt out there, who's husband is on the road because he's a truck driver, had to take all my cousins and evacuate out of their house too. It's really scary. I hope everyone's okay. This is an awful way to start the new year for them.

Soooo i updated last on tuesday. Well tara and marissa came over after my lesson. (Aww jocelyn gave me adorable clarinet cards! && I didn't get yelled at, we just played some christmas duets.) We went in the jacuzzi for a super long time and then we just chilled and watched a movie called Junior. It was dumb, but I freaked out during this one part. They both left early in the morning and I just watched tv all day until evan came over. We ended up walking to Elmhurst because I wanted to swing but there were a bunch of little kids on the playground so we walked to the park. He says the perfect things. And I was like the first person ever to beat him in tic-tac-toe. Haha. Wow. So then he went to hang out with his friends and at like 8:30 Amanda called asking if I wanted to hang out. We went bowling for about 45 minutes and I won. So then we walked over to Golf N Stuff and rode the indy cars once and waited for my mom to pick us up. It was purdy fun, she entertains me. On Thursday uhh oh yeah. K so I woke up and got ready and Marissa & I walked over to Vons to buy Monster and then we headed over to Tara's. We had a LOT of fun making cookies. We always get really loud when it's the whole MALT gang. We decorated the cookies and ended up having a frosting war. It was really the best ever. Her dad videotaped it too. After making cookies my mom drove us to KFC where I gave some to Evan && my girls bought mac and cheese. Then we got a pizza and went to Marissa's to open presents. I got my favorite stuffed animal from the Disney Store from Tara. And other cool stuff. We got in the car and went to F Street in Oxnard and walked down it to look at the lights. It was cool, way better than last year. We came back to my crib and Skylar came over to give us our presents. He got me the Oral Sex guide for her. It's actually really cool. And he got tara the masturbation guide. We just kicked it at my house after skylar left and after watching Save the Last Dance and having tickle wars I turned on Oprah and we watched that til we fell asleep. Apparently Evan called me last night. I was half asleep so I picked up the phone and it said unknown and I think I opened it but didn't press the accept button and said hello. Haha. I was out of it. I woke up at like 8 this morning to get ready for the zoo. Marissa got ready and Amanda left, Tara had already gone home to get ready. Lauren came over and some drama went down. Marissa found out Gianna likes Matt. She started crying. It's all unbelievable. She still hasn't gotten over him, even though she knows everything he's done, everything he is, I just don't get it. And she's selfish in that when Skylar cheated on Tara with Gianna, she didn't even act like it was as big of a deal as she acted like Gianna liking Matt was. It's dumb. But anyway, Tara picked us up and it was off to the zoo! We got there and were really excited, like nobody was there. But after like the first hour we were disappointed. That zoo is way too small. But we rode the train. And ate some food. And started walking to State Street. But then we decided we'd take the shuttle. So we waited for it and got a transfer to go down State. We stopped in front of this really cool store and asked the guy working where a good sushi restaraunt was. So when we finally got sushi, we got a LOT. It was like 50 dollars worth of sushi and it was the best. It was seriously amazing. And then we just walked around and at Coldstone's Tara bought us ice cream with her gift certificate and I started an ice cream war with her, but not a big one at all. My parents brought us home and I slept til 8:30. I was SO tired. Ummmm....Evan called, he has to work tomorrow, which makes me sad. Oh well. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!! Which means Rissa and I will be on the phone watching Santa. Mhmm. Traditions make me smile. But it doesn't feel like Christmas! OKay well I'm done now so yeahhh.

Tara is spending the night tonight and this makes me SUPER excited because I need some girl company late at night. Seriously. I've been missing spending all that time with my girls because they've all been so busy or sick or grounded. Silly girls. Anyway, last night Evan and I saw King Kong. He's the first boy who's offered to pay for me and I didn't argue. (I think they get sick of it when I do that.) I had fun And today he came over around like 2 because he had been over at Buena so I was like "get over here" haha. But we watched Empire Records and stuff. I almost made him late to work though. Oops. I didn't mean to! I GETTA GO TO THE ZOO THIS WEEK!!!!!! YAYYYYYY!! Aw, I'm loving life right now. Evan is a wonderful boyfriend. I'm not stuck in school and I don't have ANY homework over break. It's winter! I have amazing friends who I'm getting along with really well and next week I'll get to see Jenna! I'm happppy. And I haven't been this happy for awhile. OMG I'm in love with this stuffed animal at the Disney Store. Yep.

tomorrow=1 week. one week that i've been completely happy. haha, apparently i'm not allowed to date out of my genre. and apparently evan's a hardcore kid. silly girl! i wish i knew who it was so i could laugh at them! i'm sad because my plans for tonight were cancelleddd. marissa got sick! but on thursday i'm going to the zoooo!!!! omg i'm excited. and on friday we're going to F street to look at christmas lights and then we're making cookies and exchanging gifts and i can't wait!!!!!! i had a lot of fun last night just hanging out with evan and justine. mhmm. and on friday i hung out with justin at the ventura theater and yeah. he's a cool kid still. the show was delayed by an hour. i was really mad. but it was sorta worth it. i've been realllyyy tired lately. well. i have to go to the mall with tara today. i'm scared since it's like the sunday before christmas. oh well.

FRIDAY! 1st period: WE MADE SMORES OVER BUNSEN BURNERS. 2nd period: WE HAD AN ASSEMBLY LINE AND IT WAS FUN! 3rd period: uh dumb. 4th period: I GOT TO PLAY THE Eb CLARINET! 5th period: Tara and I just did homework. 6th period: WE HAD THIS WAAAY COOL DANCE TEACHER! after school: i came home, tara came over so I could show her my dress for winter formal. then i went to the mall with Matt and Justin and it was cool. Matt's pretty crazy. Then I ended up seeing Jenna and Keshara and Josh Graves so I hung out with them because Matt and Justin were leaving. Then Josh left and uhhh...yeah. We did stuff and went to the show. I LIKE HIM SOOOOOOO MUCH. The whole night I was just worried he was going to leave and not say good-bye. But like...he always came back to me. And it was really nice. I love nikki and alyssa and sam and jenna! omggg jenna kneed aaron in the balls and slapped him and it was so great. and then evan rescued me from him and i was like "oh my god i love you." andddd uhh i'm "the girl who looks like rita" and uhhh nick is a meanface. so anyway, after the show we were just chillin and it was just me and evan for awhile and likeee yeah. we were all cuddling and then he kissed me and OIAHWER:OAIHR i love kissing him! i just like being with him sooo much! so anyway, i ended up leaving at 11 and we took jenna and keshara home. he texted me before i went to sleep too. and this morning i woke up to a text from jenna talking about aaron. and then evan texted me saying to go over to stewart's so i brought jenna with me and we had a lot of fun. we kissed of course. and yeah we walked to the longs place and chilled. and then i came home and got ready for formal! i am obsessed with my dress!!!! so we went to ryan's house to take some pictures and then brenden drove us to eric ericson's and we ate food! then we drove around downtown until we found a place to park and just walked around. we went into this sex toy/ lingerie store and amanda bought a "fantasy tickler" and the guy who sold it to her was like "have fun tonight, you're only young once!" and then we went back in to buy a condom and he gave it to her for free and was like "be careful, have fun!" god it was creepy. and ummmmmm formal was lots of fun! i don't feel like detail. but lots of people liked my dress. it was HAWT. NO UNDERWEAR! oh and evan texted me after i sent him one saying "i likeee you" and it said "aw, i would write that back but it's so much better in person so next time i see you we will talk." i totally hope he asks me out!!!!!!!!

so basically...the last entry, well it ended after that. i mean, i got over it, he called saying he had lost his phone. i forgive too easily. but he doesn't lie. i'm obsessed with this sexual jedi song. SHOW ON THE 17th!!!! YAY. this week, well Brandan called me on Monday, basically asking if I would hook up with him. It was the most awkward phone call ever. On Tuesday I visited him (NOT brandan) at work, and it was kind of disappointing, until he called later. Although it was like 11:40 and I was trying to sleep, I didn't mind, because when he says "hi" after I say "hello?" it's just about the cutest thing in the world. Today well uhh. chem- on friday we're making smores. but today i worked with sara on this thing. it was okay. history- we had our own stock market and i lost a lot of money! english- no tests! basically just talking and correcting! yay! wind ensemble- ew i screwed up i hate when i fuck up in band and i always do nowadays. lunch- no boys. 'cept blake, but he's cool. it was one of the best lunches ever, because none of them were there. algebra 2- oh dang, test tomorrow. forgot about that one! dance- we learned pirouettes. livingston thing at the mall. michael and i got 4 dollars in tips. haha. we're lame. and uhh...umm..JUSTIN CAME TO WATCH ME! he's like the ONLY person who actually said he would and did! i love him, he's amazing! so then him and i chilled at the mall til like 8:45. and uhh i have homework...i have to copy some math things, but i'll just do that tomorrow at lunch. mhmm. i'm a slacker. and tomorrow i have a concert. and friday i get to hang out with him! and it's the show! eee.

this is why i don't rely on boys to make me happy. this is why i don't ever get involved. because it's close to impossible for them to do things right, to really make me happy. and i'm not saying, I HATE HIM THIS IS SO DUMB, i'm just saying, this situation is proving me right. and it's not like i won't give him another chance, because even if i didn't want to, i would. but it just isn't fair. it isn't fair that EVERYONE i'm friends with makes me sad. that everyone i'm friends with makes me want to not have them as a friend. that everyone i'm friends with makes me want to turn into a recluse. which basically, i guess i have been doing today. no, i was waiting. expecting that he would follow through, because he hadn't let me down yet. and i guess i was wrong. but maybe he just thinks that i'm capable of hanging out later tonight. maybe he forgot that i can't because i'm going to tara's. and my mom doesn't make any of this easier. i have absolutely nothing to do.

listening to- "roads" portishead my mom just made me cry. why does she always do this to me. and why does she always call me a bitch. justin says i have too many bad days. but i guess it's okay because they only seem bad to him, i'm really quite good at not making everyone else deal with me. i called him and he told me he couldn't talk because he doesn't have free minutes til 9. if he doesn't call back, then this whole thing was a waste of my fucking time. how can it feel this wrong?

i looked at this from a different perspective, and although i may still have tears running down my face, it really isn't going to affect me much more than it did today. by tomorrow, i'll have new problems, new ideas, new emotions. and things will be ok. and i realized, i'm not going to be selfish anymore. and i'm not going to disagree with people when they call me pretty. i'm going to say thank you. i just made a mix cd for my gurlz. a cd they can listen to when they're depressed and just want to cuddle in bed all day and eat everything in the kitchen and take a warm bath and cry their bloody eyes out and throw things and kick doors and basically just admit to themselves that life is over. it feels so much later. maybe cuz i've been in the dark all day. and i wanna talk to him! and i need to yell at stewart for his actions yesterday. find out what was goin on in his head. i wanna watch a movie. but not by myself. come over and cuddle with me!!!!

i woke up, deciding i wasn't going to audition. my parents said i HAD to. so i praticed after i got ready. i walked to the band room. i switched places with kris because he was bitching about how he had to wait for me and michael. bad idea. i came back an hour and a half later. he told me they were mad. hayley was auditioning. when it was my turn it started out with "we had to move all of this shit around because you weren't here." great fucking way to make someone who is already nervous feel even worse. alright 1st scale. shit. shit. shit. more. non-stop. he thinks that music has to be everyone's top priority. it isn't mine. i do it for FUN. not because i want to be a musician when i grow up. i'm not even majoring in music. that isn't even a fucking option. SO GET OVER IT. i came home and couldn't stop crying because of the way they made me feel. i'm still crying. and the only thing that makes me smile is what happened yesterday. how it happened. how amazing it felt.

my thanksgiving break has been purdy effing cool. i seriously can't remember what i did wednesday...like...i don't remember. OH I WENT TO THE MALL. WOW. wednesday::::: i woke up and wanted to take the bus. so like i called up my g tara and we were like fool, let's go to the mall. well her brother and his little friend had to take the bus with us. NOT COOL MAN. but anyway, it ended up being her mom taking us there so i still don't know how to take the bus. then we walked in circles around the mall and there were like 325872359875 hottt boys! then i came home and my mom took me back so i could buy these pants and a jacket and uhh...i forgot. thursday::::: i woke up at like...idk and then i just watched tv until i took a shower and got ready for these 2 people to come over for t-day. so then we watched shaun of the dead. ate food. watched national treasure. that movie was pretty cool. haha then i was on the phone with stewart and evan til 3 in the morning. friday:::::::: I woke up at 1:25 cuz I woke up at like 11 and my mom told me just to go back to sleep since i was up that late. so then she came home and i got ready and we went for sushi and then to target where i got stuff and then to uhh see Pride and Prejudice. I CRIED. And omg it was just so like...well the character Keira Knightly played reminded me (and my mom) of me. On so many levels. BUT ANYWAY. then stewart and evan called asking if i wanted to see a movie so I said yeah and called up my g tara again. We ended up seeing the corpse bride and they were supposed to come over but instead they had to go home. so i came home and talked to him on the phone til like 2. today:::::::::: we hung out with them again. and it ended up just being me, evan and tara because stewart and kendra just sorta left. but ummm yeah. i liked it. and stuff.