So she realizes how dangerous it is to write private diary entries on a public website, but she's willing to take that risk. It feels necessary. And if anyone from her own city of Ventura should find them...she may indeed be quite fucked, but it'll all be ok. Last night was weird. She had the urge to write. This is what she wrote: "No one really knows what goes on in her room when she's alone. The attitude she has. How much she talks to herself. How often she smiles, laughs, cries, dances, plays with her hair, wishes she was anywhere but here, thinks about the safety pin, and on and on the list goes. "Dear self, I'm sorry for fucking your life up. If I could redo it all I would. i would take back nothing except my attitude towards everyone, everything, and life itself. I would be quiet & let you have fun. But it's too late to take anything back. So we will start over. Oh no, not become a fake Barbie. Noo. We will respect each other. We will work harder at being happy & pleasant & not get caught up in so much drama. School will not just be something we throw away. Neither will band. We will change our habits as a daughter, friend, student & overall person. I'm sorry things didn't turn out how you planned. I remember you used to idolize girls like Cher from Clueless & those other popular useless girls. Now you despise them (Thank God.) You used to have big dreams but realized none would ever come true & I guess I let you give up too easily. I'm sorry for that. We'll work this out & maybe you won't hate me anymore. "Wow. I can't believe what I've become. "I want to run & jump & I want rain & snow & ocean & to never return & i want a perfect boy to walk up & say hello & then turn around & i will chase him into the meadow where we will sit on swings & talk about our past, present & future & when I get up to leave he will grab my hand & pull me close & as i think he is about to kiss me he will whisper "I'll never leave you" & give me the greatest hug of all time & it will mean so much more than any kiss or "I love you" ever meant because it will be true & will make me smile & giggle & even if i never see him again i will know he's still with me because it's impossible for something-someone like him to lie & i will die in the arms of no one but as i die alone, whether it be of old age, suicide or some gruesome murder, i will grin & close my eyes & remember that moment- I will be at peace finally. "I think I'm going to cry. What's wrong with me? Why am I so crazy & alone & why does no one understand-but of course, how can they understand if I am not completely honest with them? Well no one is honest with me so I have no reason to be with them. It is 11:46 and my head & shoulders ache & i really could go for a pure chocolate but i desperately need sleep and OH! What was that?! A noise in the closet?! No. Just my imagination. I look up and see no eyes are peering at me but now that it's in my head I become paranoid. Damn paranoia, how I loathe thee. This state I am in- is it due to the can of monster I so recently drank or maybe that I am reading the story of a woman so like me, so crazy & interesting. Although I am not interesting. How safe is it really to idolize a woman who early in her life committed suicide? And there is that noise again. A popping or no-footsteps yes & the light- it flickers unless it's just my eyelashes. I need sleep. Yes, sleep. ok. i will go. I'm drifting as I write anyway my letters they become lazy & my writing sloppy. It's time for dreams of nothingness. 6:02 AM "I couldn't tell if I got any sleep at all last night. I awoke feeling awake & ready to start the day. I still had 57 minutes to go on my alarm clock but could not fall back asleep due to this bird whom thought it funny to sit and tweet repetitively. I wanted to go outside and shoot the damn thing's head off. "i often wish i was normal, i didn't have mood swings, i didn't get impatient, i didn't cry, i didn't laugh at myself when all is quiet and then quietly say "i hate you" and slap myself as hard as i dare. i wish my mom wasn't so ashamed of my behavior. i mean, yeah, she loves me & is proud of my accomplishments but i know she's ashamed that i have to go to therapy, that's why she always says "you have your appointment." she worries. but my dad doesn't. I think i'm falling farther away from his as he continuously disappoints me." More will come later, but at the moment she must go off to orchestra rehearsal.