Her mom says they don't have enough money. That's why she can't get therapy next month. That's why she can't do much for her birthday. That's why everyone's so edgy about giving her money to go places. She honestly feels horrible. She's asking for so much. To go to Magic Mountain, to go the dance, for those wonderful pants her mom bought her today, for therapy, for a haircut, for iced mochas, for lunch money, for books. She feels like a greedy beggar. She doesn't like it. Today in therapy she did not cry. Not one single tear fell from her eye. It is true the salt water formed. But she was strong, and kept it in. How come whenever she goes that rug is always messed up? It annoys her. And how come whenever she plans on saying something, there's never time or she forgets or she just plain is too scared to speak her mind. It's terrible. Because not only does this happen in therapy, it happens 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. She needs to stop being so afraid of speaking her mind. Not worry whether it will get her into trouble or whatever, just say it. Maybe she wouldn't be so fucked up if everything that has been building up finally was released. It's sort of like a bottle of soda. It's filled all the way and then people shake it just to see what will happen when they open it. And it explodes. She's in the factory getting filled up with words and thoughts and emotions and these people are shaking her to death to see just how far they can push her before she explodes. It's weird how so many strangers can start talking to her in a week. Spring Break is only a day away. And not even a full day. It is the best thing to happen for a long time. She's going to Magic Mountain but she doesn't know who all is going. She heard 12 people are going. She sure hopes that the only girls are her, Tara, Marissa and Amanda (if she can go) because she doesn't exactly get along very well with other girls. In fact, she hates most of them. Oh boy. She really hopes Rachel doesn't come. She herself does not have a problem with Rachel, but it would be Hell for Tara. Literally. (However one wants to interpret Hell is up to them.) She knew Zach was just horny or lonely or whatever the fuck his problem is. He does this constantly. And yet she still falls in love with him over and over. Maybe it isn't love. Maybe she just wants to experiment. Know what it feels like to kiss a boy like that. To have him hold her. Oh my, his hugs are the most wonderful things in the world. Although she only knows from one previous experience, she remembers it well. She told Jeff she was mad at him today. Why it took him this long to figure it out is a mystery. He asked why. She said he's an asshole to her. He said to name one thing he's done to her. She ignored him. Not because she couldn't think of something, but because when someone is ignorant enough to not understand how they are affecting their "friends" they don't deserve to be given an answer. She forgave Marissa quickly. Because it was stupid of her. She wants to stop being a horrible friend. Marissa fed her all this bullshit about how wonderful of a girl she is and how gorgeous and smart and fashionable and blahblahblah. She didn't believe a single word. It's getting easier to block out what people say now. The geometry test was a breeze. Her group got As. She was happy because she had been struggling through this chapter and then she passed the thing that counts the most. And now they will move on to pre-trig or something. Finally. Michael likes to look out for her. And that's why she loves that boy. Even if he is a dirty tattle-tale. (He's one of Mr Hoffman's spies, but at least he let her in on the secret.) He offered to help her prepare for pit next year since she kind of sucks at all percussion excluding the keyboard. And when she got up to leave he slapped her on the ass. Or no. After she hugged him passionately he slapped her on the ass. It is so wonderful having gay guy friends. They're so open and fun and just awesome. Daniel scared the shit out of her today when he rode up on his bike behind her while she was walking to Buena. Yes, he scares her every time he does it but this time he had been behind her for awhile and was going oh-so slowly. So she turned around and saw him and freaked out. It was so scary that she fell to the ground and just had to sit there and get over what had happened. She hasn't fully recovered yet. It's nearly the end. But just not yet. Don't walk away so quick. And leave me here alone. Tell me you love me Before you go. I'll let you have the last word But first you must know How much I truly love you. It's not a joke but they like to laugh about it it's a serious problem but they don't care they just let it go and let me think about it enough for all of them.