I eat like a pregnant woman. Seriously. How does someone go from italian meats to ice cream to oreos to taquitos? And 4 tacos to a jar of nutella. (which is chocolate spread for those who didn't know.) John asked me out + I said no. But we still had fun on Monday. My hair is cool. I'm happy about it. But how did I think that when they got boyfriends we would stay the same? We're not. We can't even have a sleepover without one of them spending 1/2 an hour on the phone with their boyfriend. We can't be together, the four of us, without one of them complaining about how badly they want to be with their boyfriend. I sit here at home, all alone, because they're busy with their boyfriends. I'm even afraid to call any of them anymore because I'll be interrupting them or something. Or I'm afraid of getting turned down because they've already made plans. And I hate this. I cried more this week than I have in a very long time. Especially Tuesday. It started when I broke down in the shower. I don't know why. But it scared me. And then my dad came home and all he did was yell at me. And then I left to go to Tara's, still crying, and my mom called and was pissed at me, more crying. Later Isaac, Curtis, Shaun, Marc, Amanda + Marissa came over and it was fun, yes, but it wasn't the same at all. I hate that. So I became unsocial and blocked them all out. I sat watching Muppet Treasure Island while they had fun or whatever. Yesterday I stayed home and slept. All day. And then my dad and I got dinner. One word: boys. I was up really late last night. Just by myself. I cried again. This morning I almost started crying in the shower again just because I don't know. I'm really scared of everything. Everybody. I'm scared of going to Buena next year + having it be no different than it was at Foothill. I'm scared I took on too many hard classes. I'm scared I'm going to suck at the MERIT program. I'm scared I'll have no friends next year. I'm scared I'm going to do something I strongly regret. I'm scared for my friends. I'm scared of so much, I just want to curl up in bed with Mr.Rattlehead and never come out again. But I can't do that because a)I don't know where Mr.Rattlehead went and b)My parents won't let me. The concert on Saturday was really fun though. I guess I need to work this all out.