today was a great day. minus my parents screaming at me. I'm dropping world history honors. there's no point in me taking it- seriously. i like two boys. reid. josh. well i will go on with my day before i write about them. i got ready + me, tara and amanda went to the mall. we first got lunch at cpk and got thai chicken + bbq chicken pizza. we saw charly. then we walked around, i bought a shirt from macy's and went to toxic. i felt really sick so i sat outside for a long time. we saw josh and he hung out with us for the rest of the day. i saw heather garcken and was nice and smiled and waved. she did the same. okay so she's not so bad. when we had to leave we saw brooke and justine and other people. so i came home, was yelled at (more- it just never fucking ends, i never do anything right) and left for the underground. amanda + i went and immediately saw charly. inside was reid too. and then brooke, josh, brooke's friend and drew were there. drew is really cool. we walked to the gas station. we walked to good guys. then we watched the thunder boys. yummmm. so yes reid, we: talked cuddled sorta had fun i could so easily be in love with him if he didn't live in ojai but for some reason i can't go with that. josh, we: piggyback ride i was stuck inside his shirt, so i licked his stomach and yeah ok so nothing really happened. i'm dumb. i'm a hopeless romantic who wants two boys but i don't know what i would do with them since i don't want a boyfriend. paart of me does though. one boy. it's fun being with lots of guys, i guess. but one. who could make me smile+laugh+not cry+who would hug me+cuddle+kiss me w/out using his tongue+be there when i need him+accept me+not interrogate me when something's wrong+want to be with just me+who i wouldn't want to dump+i wouldn't think of other boys+i wouldn't regret being with+etc. but it's just not going to happen. alone on a couch and nothing happens. which is probably for the best. i guess. it's just that they're all doing things. with their boyfriends. and i guess i figure if i get a boyfriend and we go out for that long, he's going to expect those things. and i don't really feel like doing those things. i'm so worried about them. i'm not some fucking prude. i'm just scared. and i think tara saw. i think she may know. but i also think she would have said something. so maybe she doesn't. or maybe for once she decided to keep her mouth shut. it's not like i'm proud of it. i don't show it off. but i did it. and it can't be undone. so all that can be done, is to hide it from everyone. i really really need help. i kicked the closet/mirror today. hard. i think it came off the track. i should fix it. or not. umm... i hate hate hate how she does that to me. really.