because i realized how much music means to me. how much i depend on it. no, not the stuff i listen to. the stuff i play. the feeling i get when i play something amazing. and the feeling i get when someone criticizes me. but even more, the feeling i get when someone encourages me or compliments me. that's why michael's so wonderful. because he sees what i can do. he knows, even when i don't want to admit it. and that's why he thinks i can be 2nd chair again, instead of this shitty 3rd chair position i'm in. but it's not my fault i get nervous in challenges and auditions. but it hurts so much that my mom doesn't believe in me. she obviously doesn't know what i'm capable of. and that discourages me from playing to my full potential. why bother if i'm not going to be rewarded by one of the most influential people in my life? it surprises me how i've had so much to cry about in the past few days, but this is the only thing that phases me. that gets the tears flowing. on sunday drew called and he knew i wasn't going to his band practice. when he won't even introduce me to his band members, i don't feel comfortable being there, nor do i feel like i'm wanted there. then max called. there was this big thing but it changed so he came over and we walked to amanda's so i could hug her. we walked back and drove to the other max's house. we went to the mall, just max and me. long story, don't feel like explaining. he drew this amazing heart made of stars on my shoulder. we went back to the other max's and ate with max and nathan. all 4 of us went to see Lord of War. it was really good. made me think. then i came home and stuff. on monday i had an awful day at school. Day 1 of dumb boyfriend. Day 1 of shitty hair. Day 1 of shitty cold/runny nose/hurting throat. the doctor visit was pointless and they made me feel extremely dumb. i'd be totally over it if only my mom would stop talking about it and reminding me of it. symphonic orchestra is a complete waste of time if all i do is sit there, count my rests, and then as i'm about to play, be told that the strings are sucking and they need to do it again. i just wanted to go home. and when i did i was completely entertained by justin online. wow. that's kid's amazing. i'd like to meet him sometime. oh, but i had no clue he was a senior. not like it makes much of a difference considering so are skylar, matt, tyler and max and just about everyone else i'm friends with. today was the second day of shitty hair, shitty cold, shitty weather, shitty boyfriend, shitty attitude, shitty friends. up until i realized how marissa really feels. but drew doesn't trust me. and he's getting all over-protective and it pisses me off. i hate boys like that. he thinks matt's all over me. we were sharing a fucking ipod. skylar was joking and said "I bet she's freaky in bed" about me. i thought it was hilarious. but drew hit him and was really pissed. he needs to get over it. i'm listening to "the no seatbelt song" on repeat again. because i need to. afterschool i went over to marissa's with tara and gianna. she's really a sweet girl, she just isn't used to me yet. and i don't want her falling into lauren's trap. she's just a freshman, it'd be easy to do. oh well. there's not much i can do about that. at least marissa sees it and i don't have to point it out to her. well. i need time to myself. so tomorrow, i come straight home. i snuggle in bed. i let it all go. but i really need to decide whether drew and i are going to stay together. 3 weeks today.