i'm not sure if i ever realized until now, how stunning autumn is. i look outside and its the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. i wish i was a leaf, or even just the wind. nature is so peaceful. i dont understand how there can be something so calm and constant in this world, when everything else is falling apart. it puts everything in perspective. its so continual, like the changing of the seasons, and the leaves. because it always goes back to the way it was before. i wonder why life isnt life that..and even more, CAN life be like that? i wish it looked like this all year. except maybe a bit sunnier, a bit warmer. i would stay outside all day. im feeling so spiritual and so DEEP right now. i just got back from watching I Heart Huckabees. its a very strange movie. most people might think that its boring, because it is, but there's definitely something about it. besides jude law being the most gorgeous man ALIVE. its such a thinking movie. all of the people in it question everything, and then they figure it all out. its kind of wonderful in a twisted way. the two guys (jason schwartzman and mark wahllberg) do this this where they take one of those councy balls with the handles and take turns hitting each other in the face with it. after a few times, they stop thinking. i want to try that. i want to stop being friends with some of the people ive become reacquainted with this year. i realize that theyre not good people. and i see that im not a good person either. i cant help the way i am, but it isnt good. i dont know why i am this way. i dont know why i lose interest in everyone whos interested in me. its such a sad thing. because i fits going to be like this the rest of my life, then will there be a permanent happiness with ANYTHING for me? i wish i could stop being this way, but i dont know how. maybe its because i havent found the right people, but i feel like im constantly pushing people away. i feel terrible, but i know that as bad as i feel, its obviously not bad enough, or else i wouldnt be doing this. people are so bad, we're so dramatic, and selfish. but i know that we're good too. so thats what makes everything alright in the end. i feel sick to my stomach about spanish. i honestly get sick every time ithink about it now. how could i ruin everything like that? j. christ, im such a dumbass, i dont understand why i always ruin everything for myself. i feel like ihave no future. and im not even doing anything about it right now! im sitting at my fucking computer typing this ridiculous journal entry that people read to fill up their fucking time but never really KNOW what im saying. nothing makes sense, i feel trapped in some cosmic universe where nothing is real. but if it isnt real, why do i care so much? all i want is TRUE happiness. why does everyone associate happiness with clothes, or money, or popularity. sure, money will get you places, but at some point, if you have too much, it becomes boring. boring boring boring yawn yawn sleep. i really think im going insane, i dont know whats going on right now, everything i see or hear feels a million miles away from me, i cant explain it, maybe it was the movie-i dont know. im sick of going to school, i dont like seeing the same people every day. the fake universe, the whole thing just revolves around parties and clothes and hookups. whats the point? none of that will ever last. you get tired of the clothes, the parties end in a few hours,and the hookups always die out. i am NOT making sense. i'll read this later and htink i was on drugs or something, maybe i am who knows. u never know what people are doing with ur food these days mwahah. not funny, ok moving on. my favorite thing this week: WHEN PEOPLE WHO REPORT OTHER PEOPLE FOR CHEATING GET CAUGHT CHEATING! TWICE! YIPPEE DOO! THATS RIGHT WHORE, KARMAS A BITCH! i wallow in other peoples misery = ] im starting to disagree with the concept of love. i believe that love is a permanent, everlasting thing and so much of the "love" i see EVERYWHERE is so fleeting, i dont think its real. its just some false emotion that people create in their minds in order to feel worthy or important or cared about. it never lasts. the only REAL love is that for your parents, your family, and SOME of your friends. why do you people say you love someone, but stop loving them the moment you decide to call it quits. it doesnt make sense. heres a song i wrote. its called "dkgjh" gfdkjshlhglkjhghg ljgfdlkjgfdhglkshdkgjshgdkjsh kjdshgks fdsskjhd sfdkjd a;lk kjsalkj shd s des skjfd skj hksjd sdkjslkj hskjdh ooooooh looooovee lkjhfdskjfds skjdhs dskjh jhs Chorus: kjhfdlkjhf hsdkjhfd dskjjfds dskjhf sdssljh kjhfdskj dskjkjhfds dskjhf slkjsdhf dskjfkjh dshfkjhds kjdsf jdlkh kjgfdd jsdkjh loi saewkjlkjaw;osre; o jhe ;kjfd s dryse kthswkrew kiu e ew piutw bjare lj iuwiuyaiuyi triye ;iout ea iu riure rhiu trehielie w tw hiutr MATTTTTHHHHH IS SOOO COOL! fd lkh l lkjdshkj kjfdssds Chorus: kjhfdlkjhf hsdkjhfd dskjjfds dskjhf sdssljh kjhfdskj dskjkjhfds dskjhf slkjsdhf dskjfkjh dshfkjhds kjdsf jdlkh kjgfdd jsdkjh (repeat 3 times to fade) ^my grammy winner so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu