there are a few things that are bothering me: 1. i think i might be fake 2. my grades 3. im scared i will never REALLY be attracted to anyone. 4. certain people only accept me when i'm unhappy. 5. the only thing my parents do is criticize me. 6. beautiful by HIM now let's address these issues: 1. suddenly, i got hit with this big wave of "am i fake-ness." i think im too sweet to some people and that most people dont see me as i really am. there are certain people i can think of off the top of my head that i know are so fake its sickening. i hope im not one of them. but some people make a big mistake in thinking that just because someone is truly happy, theyre fake. people need to make the distincion between the two and realize theres a difference. 2. my grades. well. 3. i realized something. josh tells me that i'm a cock tease and i think he's right. i cant help it. i think its the whole 'thrill of the chase' bullshit for me. i really hate it but i cant change, its the way i am. i think i'm like samantha from sex and the city. she's never really attracted to attracted to anyone..well she is, but only sexually. i think im only really attracted to someone that i think i cant have. and then i have them and i dont want them anymore. and that just isnt real attraction. when i find someone that i can have and i still want them, then ill know its for real. but im scared it will never happen. what if im one of those 60 year old women who dress like hos because they never married and just wanna get laid. that'll be so sad. i hope no one ever lets it get to that. wow that'll be sad. i wish i could change it. actually, i dont. because thank god im not one of those needy girls who nag their boyfriends all day and are comfortable taking a crap in front of them (again, not like i do that or anything). the best part of a relationship is the spark at the very beginning, and its even stronger when youre not together. so im thinking, so what if i'm never REALLY into someone, because then it'll be easy to......never mind im sick of this topic. 4. there was a time, not long ago, when i was completely miserable. i hated life and i hated everyone and i thought everyone hated me. than jesus that phase is over (for now)..hopefully for a very long time. thats not the point. the point is that during this time, i was friends with someone who was in the same place in their lives as me. we were sad together, i think we fed off each otehrs sadness...sad stuff like that. and now that im out of it, this person has disattached themselves from me. its like im not accepted because im happy. its so odd...i dont really know what to do about this. maybe its better for me. because i feel like i'll be pulled back into the hole if i continue to talk to this person. ok well i just made myself feel better. 5. parents will be parents. flgho poop. 6. HIM has this song, beautiful, and that song is my dream. its everything i wish someone felt about me. of course, those who know me know that right after something like that is said to me, i'll completely ditch the guy and that'll be the end of that. the point is: guys, i will like you if you treat me like shit. it sucks for me but im sure its hella easy on the guys part. cheesus im freeeaakkin weird. k k k sorry for the boring entry.