college is fuckin amazing, that's all i have to say.

this shit just deleted on me, but it needs to be written. i spent half of my day watching my boys getting the shit needled out of them, and i have to admit that i'm ready for it myself now. dan scratched my skin off to explain how it feels. anyway, i wouldn't normally like dan's tattoo but it fits him so perfectly and was done so perfectly. and mike's is just plain hot and sexy, and it defines who he is. i wouldn't doubt it if his heart beats to the rhythm of alkakine trio. i love hanging out with them, they do the most random stuff and even just chilling is a good time. they do so much shit, but they're amazing people and i pray to god nothing ever happens to them. i love them, plain and simply. i move in to school tomorrow morning. it hasn't yet hit me though, but i cannot wait. i know it's going to be different than everything i've ever been used to, but that's the exciting part. lifelifelife <333

i forgot mike's school has terrible service, so that was a little let down when i tried to call. especially after he came online and disappeared a minute later. i can't already miss him, and this can't already be hard; it has only been two days i think. what the fucking hell? this sucks. i miss him. and tomorrow alyssa and christina leave. i did get to see them both today, but i'll miss seeing them too. and then i leave sunday, so i'm leaving everyone who is going to occ home. pretty much only a few: nicole, jenni, courtney, and danielle. well i'm trying to make it an easy transition by not letting these thoughts consume my mind and so far it's going pretty well. i bought a book today-a million little pieces. i've heard it's very good, and seen a lot of people reading it. i just need a good book instead of this silly internet giving me a constant headahce. tomorrow is mine and my mom's day. somehow they let her off work, so we're going up to the jackson outlets. there's the cutest store there that i know she will love, it has salsa and other fun things like that. mike and i bought her a habanero salsa sunday and it is already cleaned out. i think it will be fun to take a day out of my life to spend with her because i know it's going to be really hard on her when both kim and i are gone, and with my dad gone a lot. i took her out to dinner tonight also, which was fun. i couldn't imagine my life without mike. it's my bestie's 18th birthday today!

it's not wednesday, it's definately tuesday. i wrote wednesday first. sillysilly :) i don't really remember what sparked me to write my last entry because i'm amazed by him. he has done little things that make me love him a hundred times more this summer. they make my heart skip ten beats every time i think about how many times he has pulled me close to him, and the romantic date he set up for us. he gets cranky sometimes, and i get emotional and bitchy but we learn to deal with it. i love him to death and always will. i realized today that i have four days to get ready for school; sunday morning i move in. i haven't thought about it much obviously, and it's honeslty purposely. i don't know what to expect when i go there and i don't want to be scared. so i figure if i think about it i'll become more nervous but if i don't think about it than i won't worry. if i'm nervous about meeting people it will be harder for me to act myself, so i'm going in there pretending i've known these people my entire life. so i'm hoping that i will benefit and hopefully meet a few good people, i don't need many. i am excited about my classes because i honestly can't wait to truly start my life. i don't know where i'll be in five years, with what career, so i'm ready to have an idea. i won't allow myself to get distracted by silly things while i'm there, and i'm going to study until my brain hurts. i need an educational confidence before i go out into the real world and test my everything. my mind and heart are both set on a stable, good income, enjoyable career. and i won't let anything stop me, this is my only chance to make my life happen. i'm excited for the newness of this all, and hopefully my positivity won't be diminished. i guess it will just be weird not seeing my usual friends though, the few there are. fucking hiccups. also, it's quite possible i have poison ivy from the other night's outing. i almost scratched myself to death. so i'm crying; not because i'm sad but because i'm happy. i don't think i could explain everything in words. just what he did for me this summer has made me so sure of things and the happiest i have been. i feel like this quote from life of pi kind of explains it pretty well, and it's come to be one of my favorite quotes: "It wasn't sleep, but a state of semi-consciousness in which daydreams and reality were nearly indistinguishable."

lately i feel like he doesn't want me around much. i'm scared i'm going to be left alone for school and that i'm going to lose everything again. i don't want my world to be repetative anymore, i need stability. and i had faith in him, but i feel like he's lost his passion from our last new begining. i'm just scared, and i need to cry. but i wish i could talk to him about it. online conversations never begin or end well, so i'll have to wait for tomorrow. i'm just sad right now. but he always sees that as a weakness, although i believe i'm a pretty strong girl. i don't really know. sometimes i wish he read this. i can never put into words what is on my mind in a comprehendible way, except for in here. he read an entry once, but most likely nothing more. i feel like it would help him understand me a little more, or of how i feel about things.

from the second i woke up, i couldn't handle the day. i woke up to an emotional breakdown and a realization this house is not too short of completely miserable. the day went on, and mike came over. it was nice to see him and get a smile on my face to forget things around me. i try not to burden him with things that go on here because i don't want to spread the negativity. so i spent the day with him and it was nice. kim wanted to go to target, but i was there the other day and there was nothing that interested me so i didn't go, not realizing what effect this would have later on tonight. so we went to his house and i felt close to him today, just a healthy passion that i needed to feel. kim texted me wen i was coming home, i didn't know asked why she was wondering but never got a response. so i went back to our nap, until i got hungry. alyssa had texted me an hour earlier while i was sleeping but it was too late for me to go out with her since she had already gone. so dan came over and we were going to go out with him until kim called and asked me to come home. so john dropped me off and i came home to being told that mike treats me like shit, and everything. i am not blind, i see everything he does and how he treats me. i just can't handle it. it was repeated to me about twenty times, but i don't need to hear it that many times. i'm sitting here dumbfounded, not knowing what to say to anyone to fix things. and on the tv there is a man from the military who can't even open his mouth to speak his mind. and i feel like my words are wasted on things that don't really matter. he can't move his body in any way that he would like, he has people to move his body for him. and i feel like i take everything in this world for granted. this world just doesn't make sense. why can't everyone be happy?

k so i've never been jealous of a girl on super sweet 16, but this girl. damn. she had buddy from senses fail with her, and the sleeping perform at her party. hm k i'm just a little jealous. oh yeah and i had a little freak out about my terrible diet because of the food i have in my house, and how i never run. whatever. and fuckin nicole is grounded and i don't know why. godfuckingdamn. it's her birthday tomorrow. parents make me so mad.

i've learned you should never ever wait around for someone, it's a complete waste of time. the second you depend on someone for something to happen in your life, no matter how little or big it is, you will be let down. it happens every time i unintentionally spend my day/night waiting around for someone in order for my plans to happen. never ever ever ever again. fuckin bitches.

i love that we've grown together, and we grow so much closer more and more. i always knew we would work out, we just needed to learn and live a little. i love knowing he wants us in his life, and that he's happy with the way things are. i love that he has learned how to treat me better and i've learned to understand who he is and love him for it no matter what. i love that his mom and family like me because i love them all. i've put all of my worries behind me, and have full and complete trust in him now. sean thinks everything will change once we both go to school, but i have full faith in us and am not going to let his words worry me. i love when i can tell that he loves when i come to lunch with him on his break. we went to the deli a few blocks down from work today, and ate it on the bench outside. then walked down to the bayside and watched a boy kite surf which was amazing. then mike decided to take out his kite and fly it, in the middle of the police station yard. the little boy in him came out and it was SO cute. he needed to fly this kite, and didn't have another care in the world. i'm pretty sure a war could be going on next to him and he'd still be flying that kite. not to that extreme though because of course a war wouldn't happen right next to him, and i don't think he'd ignore a war. but ANYWAY, he flew his kite and was a half hour late for work because he didn't give a shit. i worried at first, but then realized i shouldn't have to worry for him, he was happy and that's all that mattered. i love that he plays guitar for me and pretty much only plays trio and senses fail, and i love every second of it. k i'm donee ♥

i love that we've grown together, and we grow so much closer more and more. i always knew we would work out, we just needed to learn and live a little. i love knowing he wants us in his life, and that he's happy with the way things are. i love that he has learned how to treat me better and i've learned to understand who he is and love him for it no matter what. i love that his mom and family like me because i love them all. i've put all of my worries behind me, and have full and complete trust in him now. sean thinks everything will change once we both go to school, but i have full faith in us and am not going to let his words worry me. i love when i can tell that he loves when i come to lunch with him on his break. we went to the deli a few blocks down from work today, and ate it on the bench outside. then walked down to the bayside and watched a boy kite surf which was amazing. then mike decided to take out his kite and fly it, in the middle of the police station yard. the little boy in him came out and it was SO cute. he needed to fly this kite, and didn't have another care in the world. i'm pretty sure a war could be going on next to him and he'd still be flying that kite. not to that extreme though because of course a war wouldn't happen right next to him, and i don't think he'd ignore a war. but ANYWAY, he flew his kite and was a half hour late for work because he didn't give a shit. i worried at first, but then realized i shouldn't have to worry for him, he was happy and that's all that mattered. i love that he plays guitar for me and pretty much only plays trio and senses fail, and i love every second of it. k i'm donee ♥

i love that we've grown together, and we grow so much closer more and more. i always knew we would work out, we just needed to learn and live a little. i love knowing he wants us in his life, and that he's happy with the way things are. i love that he has learned how to treat me better and i've learned to understand who he is and love him for it no matter what. i love that his mom and family like me because i love them all. i've put all of my worries behind me, and have full and complete trust in him now. sean thinks everything will change once we both go to school, but i have full faith in us and am not going to let his words worry me. i love when i can tell that he loves when i come to lunch with him on his break. we went to the deli a few blocks down from work today, and ate it on the bench outside. then walked down to the bayside and watched a boy kite surf which was amazing. then mike decided to take out his kite and fly it, in the middle of the police station yard. the little boy in him came out and it was SO cute. he needed to fly this kite, and didn't have another care in the world. i'm pretty sure a war could be going on next to him and he'd still be flying that kite. not to that extreme though because of course a war wouldn't happen right next to him, and i don't think he'd ignore a war. but ANYWAY, he flew his kite and was a half hour late for work because he didn't give a shit. i worried at first, but then realized i shouldn't have to worry for him, he was happy and that's all that mattered. i love that he plays guitar for me and pretty much only plays trio and senses fail, and i love every second of it. k i'm donee ♥

i love that we've grown together, and we grow so much closer more and more. i always knew we would work out, we just needed to learn and live a little. i love knowing he wants us in his life, and that he's happy with the way things are. i love that he has learned how to treat me better and i've learned to understand who he is and love him for it no matter what. i love that his mom and family like me because i love them all. i've put all of my worries behind me, and have full and complete trust in him now. sean thinks everything will change once we both go to school, but i have full faith in us and am not going to let his words worry me. i love when i can tell that he loves when i come to lunch with him on his break. we went to the deli a few blocks down from work today, and ate it on the bench outside. then walked down to the bayside and watched a boy kite surf which was amazing. then mike decided to take out his kite and fly it, in the middle of the police station yard. the little boy in him came out and it was SO cute. he needed to fly this kite, and didn't have another care in the world. i'm pretty sure a war could be going on next to him and he'd still be flying that kite. not to that extreme though because of course a war wouldn't happen right next to him, and i don't think he'd ignore a war. but ANYWAY, he flew his kite and was a half hour late for work because he didn't give a shit. i worried at first, but then realized i shouldn't have to worry for him, he was happy and that's all that mattered. i love that he plays guitar for me and pretty much only plays trio and senses fail, and i love every second of it. k i'm donee ♥

so i realize i'm growing up, and when you grow up birthdays are not nearly half as fun as they used to be. i'm not selfish, and i don't need materialistic things. but it's just weird not getting presents from really anyone. especially not from mike. i realize he doesn't have money, but he could have done something little. like burn me a cd of the playlist we had awhile ago. it's just weird.i got money from a few people but i feel bad being given people's money. hm i don't know. and it didn't help that my mom's alcoholism was obvious during the entire day and night.

i am a piece of shit daughter. i think i do more bad than good, and nothing is ever right. i spend too much of my money, i never clean my room, i don't appreaciate anything apparently, and i come home after curfew too often. so now i may be getting my car taken away from me, three days before my birthday. i knew it was going to happen, i could feel it last night. and now my dad will have full access to my car rather than only when i don't need it. i really do appreaciate all i have and all my parents do for me, but i don't think it shows well. warped tour and silver lake was last week. saw the only good bands at warped, the only ones that mattered-chiodos, and alkaline trio. and we also saw coheed and the matches. chiodos and trio were amazing! oh my god fuckin chiodos. ♥ the ride to silver lake was 7 hours. seven hours of nervous anticipation; meeting his entire family. but it ended up being fine, and i had no reason to really be nervous. i talked to his uncle from hawaii more than anyone else, and i really liked him. he's a doctor and has founded three charities, and in the process of another. that amazes me, and i respect so much that he does that. his cousin took us for a boat ride at night which was nice. had a few drinks, and a few rounds of asshole, tourrettes and a good meal of easy mac, and a night on the dock. we water skiied, where mike face planted, sean was just a wobbly mess, and i got too many wedgies. definately fun though. got to fall asleep and wake up next to the only person i'll ever want to see at those times. and that itself was amazing. learned how to play blackjack, AND deal :) sean didn't enjoy it really at all. but i don't mind sitting around the house, just hanging out and talking to his family. we played wii and made s'mores. stayed up and read before bed, and took lots of naps during the day. it was just amazing and i'm so happy mike wanted to share his family and the place with me. he comes home today, and i can't wait to see him.

as much as i complain about some of the things that mike does, i wouldn't want anyone else. and i think that as much as he might complain about some of the things i do, he's happy with me. we learn to deal with the things we don't like about each other and love each other still. we've grown so much over time and learning to live with our imperfections. and because of this i feel we are happier and our trust is stronger. i'm not as paranoid and distrustful, and i'm not scared anymore. i love him to death, every part of him, every smile, every bone, every kiss, every breath, every mood, every unnecessary last word, every lazy day of his. he may not be the best guitar player or singer, but i wouldn't rather listen to anyone else. i feel like he likes playing for me, and that makes me happy. his bed frame is broken so took it apart last night. now his bed is just two mattresses on top of each other. we ordered pizza and after we were done eating i wanted him to come lay with me so i turned over on his bed and opened my arms and told him to come lay with me. i rolled over not realizing the bed ended and i completely fell off onto his taken apart bed frame. that honestly made my night. i have my school orientation tomorrow until monday afternoon. i think it's stupid that they are making it a social thing. i just want to set up my classes and be done with it. i don't need that awkward feeling of being alone without anyone i know. and they're trying to make it like a real night at college but it's stupid because it's not. we don't need to stay the night, they could have easily made the orientation a one day thing. maybe this is just my nerves talking. hopefully i won't get lost for two hours on the way home.

i really dislike more than a handfull of people in toms river. there's the group of people i don't like because they're assholes who think they are better than everyone else. there's the group of people who have liked mike but seem to prolong their interest into the time him and i are together. maybe it's just me but it seems to happen with every single one of them. i'd fight them for him, fuckin bitches. and then there are the fake bitches and assholes. that's where a lot of my friends fall into category, sadly but truely. there's a whole drama of this girl and my friend that has been going on for months. it's finally stopped but it bothers me as to how many hypocrites there are that were involved in this, or involved themselves in it. i never liked the situation because i know how this boy can be, but i never hated either and especially since i wasn't involved in the situation. i defended my other friend when she needed to be, but kept my distance. and it bothered me that people were talking shit and saying they hate this girl just because of what they had heard, and now they're all close and best friends. it just bothers me that people will change their opinions only when the people around them do. and i also hate how somehow i get involved in an argument within the band when i never said one word. apparently people like to run their mouths and talk shit out of their asses and try to speak for people who have never been involved in what they're talking about. i speak for myself, thank you. i just really cannot stand the people here, or most of them. i'm sick of the bull shit and that's why i don't talk to half of the people i used to. i can't be around people with their minds full of hate. and there's a girl at work who is nice but she just hates everyone. i thought i didn't like a lot of people, but she pretty much hates everyone and wishes death upon them. but i can never walk away when i'm around her because her mouth doesn't stop running. i also don't like when people don't smile back at me when i smile to them. it's not fuckin weird to smile at people you know or work with so i think people should get over it and smile back at me. this boy was talking to me from the beach today. he is from up north and was in ortley for the day. i told him he is a benny and he had no idea what that was. so i'm wondering now if none of them know what they are or that we talk about them. i find that highly unlikely though. but anyway, it was strange. this boy. i guess it was kind of cool that he actually had the guts to come up and talk to me though. hm, whatever. i have mike and that's all i want. k i'm done complaining about shit.

to my dearest sweetest boyfriend, thank you for being shady as fuckin hell during the past few days. unknown trips to 711 to "hang out" and random sleepiness on our one night we have together. it's okay don't worry, i am just naive and as stupid as you think i am. why the fuck are you going to fucking mess this shit up again? i wouldn't do anything for you, i don't love you to my death or anything. it's no big deal. i'd rather you not bull shit this so i can go have fun instead of having this shit on my mind all of the time now. i'll go hang out with the boys you dislike and i stopped hanging out with because you got jealous and upset, and said i wouldn't ever let you hang out with any of your friends that were girls or i'd get upset. but that wasn't only because you lied to me about hanging out with girls who liked you and kept it a secret from me. i love you to death but i wish you'd stop pulling this bull shit and not get pissy with me if i bring something up. i love you, your girlfriend.

okay, so i'm dead tired but this is pissing me off and i need to ramble all of this shit out. k so i met this girl yesterday at work and i decided i liked her. she's fun and she's easy to get along with. but then she flipped off nicole for no reason, and she was talking about hanging out with all of the ortley boys. but i liked that they invited me out with them, and we hung out on the ramp at night. and nicole and i are selfish and we like our boys to be ours. so anyway apparently the girl had been invited out with them also a night or two ago, but none of them were there. and this morning she texted me at work telling me tom had talked to her and told her that him and his girlfriend broke up and they were already planning a sex date. so it's a little self explanitory. she texted me tonight telling me they kissed. and i want to be mad, but i'm just jealous becuase i had feelings for him and he had feelings for me, but she doesn't know that. so it's kind of like a slap in the face. but i'm happy for her because i think she needs something or someone there for her. i know she's scared of him turning out to be an ass, and i'm crossing my fingers that he isn't since i never found out if he is or not. mother fucker i shouldn't care about this because i'm happy with mike. he makes me whole, but pisses the shit out of me sometimes. except he's been acting shady lately, but that's probably just through my eyes. haahsdashdaslkj LOVE.

when will this house ever become peaceful. it's always so tense. there's always something stirring up any chance of relaxation. i guess i'll keep dealing. i bought a bunch of string two seconds ago. and i learned a new pattern today from this girl val i work with. the boys call her boobs, and tom called her that to her face. i can't make my mind up about her, she has her ups and downs; but so does everyone else. i missed the ortley boys. despite getting about fifty ice cubes thrown at my face, i still love them. dave's going to get a job at b&b, or at least try to. i think him working there with me would be fun, even though almost every word that comes out of his mouth is bull shit. i don't mind. i ran today for the first time in a few weeks. it felt amazing, yet terrible at the same time. i ran slower than a turtle can walk, and my body still aches two hours after i got back. but i love that feeling of doing something good for myself, especially since i constantly complain about being unsatisfied with my body. maybe this time i'll keep this consistent and make it a habit. i plan on running before working ortley tomorrow morning, which requires me to wake up about an hourish earlier than normal. so let's see if that actually happens. i'm going with mike to silver lake this year--his family vacation. his mom brought it up one night, and he wanted me to go. it took him awhile to get used to the idea of bringing someone, especially me, but he finally did. i guess it's weird to him because he's never brought anyone and i guess bringing a girlfriend is kind of a big deal. so with his decision of me going, he decided that it was necessary for sean to come also. i don't mind, and it will probably relieve stresses i'll have of meeting his entire family, hoping they'll like me. but also, i was kind of looking forward to him finally wanting to include me in a family related event rather than always inviting sean. i can't blame him, it'll take time and i'll wait. and maybe i wouldn't be ready to be introduced to a higher status other than just his friend, which is what i am always referred to as. so hopefullythis time i'll be moving up in the world to 'girlfriend' status. hm, no se. i'm just happy with him and i know he's happy, and that's good enough for me.

it's raining, and i'm not allowed to go to work. it's terrible. i don't want to get fired. i've decided it's raining because elisha isn't here anymore. ugh. i feel closer to mike than i ever have before. i've been waiting for this for what feels like forever. it still amazes me that with all of the shit we've been through and what we put each other through, that we still somehow end up together. and now, he does the little things that assure me everything is good. it's almost unreal, but i've been expecting it. it's probably weird how i know this is the way life is supposed to be. it's weird for me to be so sure about something because 99% of the time i don't know anything. the world is chaotic and my mind can't comprehend two seconds of it. but i don't mind because life is close to perfect feeling right now. swedishfish♥