i'm still unsure of my new years eve plans. one idea sounds fun, but not what i'd really planned on doing and not what i'd normally do. it's not who i am and not what i want to end up turning into. i don't want that kind of change because i've seen people i love who do change or have been that way since i can remember. i don't think i could handle it anyway, and i'd feel really shitty about myself after. i don't want to get comforotable with it, i don't want it to be a regular thing. from this one thing, lies would have to be told, and in return of a night of fun, i would in return get a terrible guilty feeling. i don't do well at lieing and i usually end up telling my mom, but that proved to be a bad idea. i like good, clean fun. i want it to stay that way. i wish it wasn't an issue ever, i don't want it at all in my life. but three people i love all enjoy it, for different reasons and have different effects. but one person has ruined my whole vision of it, i never wanted to have anything to do with it or any other people who are involved with it, one person was more than enough for me to handle. it's hard, and i don't think some people realize how hard it actually is to do it myself. i never ever planned on ever even trying it, i was going to avoid giving myself the chance to ever become an alcoholic. it sounded like a good idea, and one i could go through with. but as i get older it seems harder to avoid because it is everywhere. it would make my life a whole lot easier if it was non-existant, or at least to the people in my life. in a way it feels like i am missing out, but at the same time i feel like it's a good thing i'm not because i don't want to change. it's been but very bluntly people do change when they drink, and party. that's another reason why i don't want to, and don't want people close to me to. i don't want to get hurt, i don't want to feel like my heart has been broken in two and stepped on everytime he leaves. i don't want to be lied to, or secrets be kept from me. i don't want trust to be broken, or love to be destroyed. maybe all this is impossible, no one can avoid all of this. i just don't want it to repeat, i don't think i'd be able to survive another episode of the past. i don't want to take a chance of it comming back, i just want to forget about it and it never be brought up again and never deal with the issue it did. i don't know, i've found out some more news. i wish it would go away. i just want it to go awayyyyyyy, please? ughasljdlajkd i don't like this. so, i took a break from that and went to the gym. came back, and waiting for my dad to finish some work to go running. i don't really know how to put the way i feel into words, even i don't know how i truly feel about this, it depends on my mood sometimes. i feel like i am a burden to someone i love because i get very upset and emotional whenever they drink or just mention wanting to. it's hard to find that satisfying medium where we both get what we want, i don't think there is a medium where both of us are equally happy. we have both made sacrifices for each others happiness, this sacrifice i am starting to make isn't one i really enjoy. i get a terrible feeling everytime he drinks, and i haven't felt it in a long time which i am very thankful for. the feeling brings back so many memories that are constantly lingering in the back of my mind. i'd love to forget about them, but they are facts and they are reasons for my several insecurities and nervousness about certain things. this whole thing makes me such a hypocrite, and i will admit that. i have done this before, and i regret it. i don't know why i went against what i believe in, or what i say i believe in. i haven't seemed to put all my thoughts and feelings into one, so i don't know where i stand exactly. that's why if alcohol was just non-existant i wouldn't have such a problem, a problem that has been here for the longest time and i just want to get rid of it. but i can't get rid of it, there's no way i would ever break any of the relationships i have with the people i love who drink. it would be much much worse without them than having to deal with this problem. why is it such a big deal? i am making this the problem, it doesn't have to be but i insist on making it one. i just need a solution, a way to make everyone happy and still have what i and so grateful and lucky to have. drinking with him would make him think i'm comletely comforotable with it though, right? asdkljasaaaaaaaaaa i don't know