oh my beautiful sitDiary! i've missed this journal, but i go through journal phases which i will confess is a little lame. but anyway, here's the life of me. repitition got the best of us, and it's over right now. i am an asshole who doesn't learn from my mistakes. i feel the guilt of this everyday because it's pretty much all that consumes my mind. i had always imagined myself effecting him, but not in the way that i have. everything i have wanted for the past four years is lost because i thought i was doing everything right when i was doing everything wrong. i'm not saying he is perfect because he has made his share of mistakes, but it's all the same. no mistake is worse then another, and i didn't believe that until now. a little too late. but this life is not over, so who knows what will happen. i finally went to the doctor for the pains i have gotten in my chest since my freshman year. i was always too scared to find that there was something wrong with me, so i avoided going to see someone but my paretns were supportive in avoiding it also so that didn't help. so far i've gotten two EKGs, an echocardiogram and a heart monitor. the echo cardiogram is pretty much a sonogram they use to look at babies, and it shows your heart beat and you can hear it also. hearing my own heart beat? strange experience. interesting but just weird. and the heart monitor is just a bunch of wires stuck to a bunch of stickers that are sticking onto me that are attached to a box with a tape recording the beating of my heart. it is very uncomforotable and i have to wear it for 24 hours so i'm not going to sleep tonight and i'm not going to school tomorrow. lucky me? not quite. alyssa and i are going prom dress shopping tomorrow :) i'm excited except for the fact that i don't have a date yet. if mike and i don't go together, i have a few ideas for what i'll do. i may just talk to that boy again randomly since he smiled at me a few times and because i'm lame. but i need a prom date. whaaatever prom will be fun. oh yeah, and myabe my mom is right. and my oma diny also now too. time will tell.