i feel like a fuck up. it's the worst feeling when your parents say they aren't mad at you, but they are disappointed in you. there's nothing really to say or do to fix it, just time. so there's this awkward situation right now involving alyssa and nick. they hooked up the other night at my house, which i kind of had a feeling that was happening; resulting in me sleeping in another room. but anyway, sunday morning said it was awkward that night cause neither tim and i were in the room and it was just her and nick. i said i didn't come back to the room cuase i was afraid of walking in on something, and she laughed it off. then this morning we walked to jury to get water out of my car, and she told me her and nick hooked up and she didn't know if she should tell me or not. and honestly, i don't care. but i don't think he knows that i know, and so it's just that weird conversation. and i think alyssa thinks that i'm upset with her, but i'm not. and i just wanted to clear that up :) i start work at b&b on thursday - meg's 18th birthday. endless' show at occ at 1am friday morning. sean's vball tournament saturday morning, then work 5-10. i cannot wait to work, for the time and money. only the money because i owe so many people money right now, that is all where my first paycheck is going. and now i won't waste my time doing pointless shit. by the way, i'm going a little insane. jenni's brother almost died today. that was a smack in my face to reality. i just don't know anymore. mike and i fought over the weekend. what a surprise? but i brought it upon myself, that is just the way he is and i need to accept it. but i hate flipping out over things he does, and then feeling like it isn't worth it the next day so i apologize and we pretend everything is okay. i seriously just want to pretend i never met him. i don't want him to exist in my heart or mind anymore(knock on wood). it's too hard for me to pretend it's okay, because i will ALWAYS react the way i do with things that involve him. anyone else, i will react completely different. i fucking hate it, i just can't control it. that is why i'm going insane. bamboozle is meant for another entry, i just needed to vent all this shit. LOVELOVELOVE♥ is just a hoax.