second update of the day. how lame? today was fun for the most part. i went to jess's house in the morning, we got danielle and we went to dunkin donuts before hitting the parkway for forty miles south to stockton. i've been to stockton before with my dad to check it out, and we both absolutely hated it. everything about it was terrible. but although we had to go on a tour of the school in order for us to get an excused absence from school, we only went to get apicture of their hydrogen fuel cell they have. we're doing a powerpoint project in our science class on hydrogen fuel cells and our teacher said there was one at stockton. so what better thing to do then go try and find it? i didn't think we were going to find it, i figured it'd be locked up in a random building saying something warning you not to get too close because of the machinery inside or something. so we get to the school and are walking around aimlessly pretending we actually know where we're going and i saw this ginormous box thing on the side of the sidewalk. who would have thought?! it's the hydrogen fuel cell right smack dab in the middle of the campus with labels on it saying what it is and how it works. perfect. we took silly videos of us explaining it and pictures for our slideshow. so we kind of lied to our teacher and told him we were just looking at a college but he is in for a big surprise. he loves us. oh yeah then an 18 wheeler almost smashed right into us going back home. how wonderful? and then of course i forgot my license in jess's purse after i told her not to let me forget it. but we didn't knock on wood for that so it was bound to happen. basically, it was fun. i saw mark lots today. he was supposed to spend the night, BUT that didn't work out. then my dad started talking to me about how he doesn't want me driving with my oma diny because he thinks she's getting close to not being able to drive. and that seriously breaks my heart. not the fact that i can't drive with my oma diny anymore, but the fact that she is getting old and no matter how well she takes care of herself, some things are natural and just happen. in my eyes, she will live forever and her getting old is non-existant. so this whole getting old idea kills me and i don't think my dad understands how hard that was for me to hear. he is her son so i know it is hard for him to see his mom start this process, but i don't know if he realizes how attached i am to her. i don't really want to think about it, but i'm scared for her own safety and i don't want anything to happen to her. but i don't want her to become helpless and have to become dependant on other people. that must be the worst feeling in the world :( i saw mike tonight. he gave me back my yearbook from two years ago and i gave him back his. and in all that time he never signed mine. i read the names of the people who actually did sign it, and it's sad that i don't talk to half of those people anymore. weird. i wish i wasn't an asshole and i wish he was the one personality he has 24/7. you can't help who you love, and i do love him and that's why i tried so hard to keep his personality the one i knew and admired and loved so much all of the time. instead, i think i gave him more personalities he now has to handle. i don't understand how i got to be so terrible. i am going to the movies with nick tomorrow night. i'm not sure what this is supposed to be, but i'll make the best of it since i have no clue what is going to happen. i don't know what i want to happen. do i want anything to happen? i don't want to screw boys over anymore. i already did that to him once because of mike and i can't do it again. not to anyone rather then everyone. i should just stay away from boys. although mark saw one of his friends in pacsun tonight and ohmygod he was gorgeous. and there's always that boy in school.. i don't even have a word for him, it's just a feeling so i won't try to explain it i'll just pretend i don't have this feeling because i can't get the nerve to talk to him again after i made a silly fool of myself the first time i tried. it's hard to try and talk to someone and become friends with them when you see them for two seconds maybe three times a day. it'd be nice if i could see him walking after school one day. i'd talk to him then. but only at the perfect moment. but there's no such thing as perfect, is there? hm.. maybe i'll go read. i'm tired.