okay, honestly: what the fuck am i thinking? i've kind of started to talk to this boy jake a lot, despite what a lot of people would assume about him. i like the attention he gives me, unlike some other people have or haven't. he has a girlfriend and that is a huge factor that is stopping us from having fun, you could call it. but i feel like there's a reason that is stopping us, that maybe if he didn't have one, it wouldn't work anyway. despite the fact that if the person i am with is someone other then mike, then i can't handle it for more then a month tops, but also i feel like he treats every girl he talks to the same way he is treating me. but i guess i'm going to be shallow and say i just want to have fun, but i should probably consider fun with someone else, although this is completely not like me. i got his screen name today because we've been texting a lot, and texts from him cost money for me and i can't afford that. so anyway, i was reading his profile, which had a link to his xanga and i read it, and his gf's screen name and her xanga and i read a little. and there is no fucking way i will ever do anything with him to ever break them apart. i've hooked up with boys who have girlfriends, but one was mike and he obviously knew he shouldn't be with those two other girls. holy fucking shit, i just realized he cheated on two of his gf's with me. but anyway, i would feel shitty as hell if i did that. so here i am, pushing every fucking feeling away and pretending i can handle it. nothingnothingnothing ever works. mike, why can't we ever work things out? we could be perfect. we just need to learn a little bit more about life. but he's taught me everything i know about life. everything