so, i got a progress report saying i was failing my algebra2/trig class the day break began. eventually, last night my dad and i talked about it and figured out a plan. i filled out a paper for a guidance appointment before hr and talked to my teacher about my grade. i had a low d, with a missing quiz and that the rest of the marking period would be easy so i could bring up my grade. she said i shouldn't drop down a track because the next two chapters would be easy, but what about the last two marking periods? i am assuming the year doesn't start hard and gradually gets easier. no, of course not, it goes the reverse. i was called to guidance at the end of seventh period and ended up being there for a half hour, but walking out with my problem fixed, i hope. it ended up, i had three options, maybe four. one, i could stay in the class and pray to God i'd pick everything up with a miracle. two, stay in the class and get a tutor, either NHS or some tutor outside of school. getting an NHS tutor would make me feel uncomforotable just because i would feel stupid in front of one of the seniors, and just uncomforotable in general getting a tutor. i could completely change my schedule beside band and chemistry which were the most important, but i didn't want to feel like the loser new kid in every one of my classes, especially since i love the rest of my classes. and the last option, which was almost impossible but the best choice, which was to drop a track but have the same period math class which would avoid having to switch my schedule. the only problem was, the class was full with thirty kids already, but my guidance counseler told me i should go talk to the teacher and ask her myself if she would mind if i joined her class. i went to go talk to her and she didn't mind, except that she would need another desk, so we fixed that. so i start tomorrow, which i'm kind of nervous about. i found that one of my friend's is in that class, but ugh i'm going to feel dumb :( and i don't want my other teacher to hate me, especially since i talked to her during class and we decided i wouldn't switch a track and everything. i better do well in this class, it's bad enough i switched tracks in the middle of the year, i can't do bad in it. it's not that second track is stupid, it's that colleges don't like seeing someone drop a track in the middle of the year, especially if they do just as bad in the second track class. speaking of colleges, i'm taking my SATs again on january 22. i'm nervous, and i want to study, but i don't kno wat. well, i sort of do i just am lazy and don't kno how. i have about ten books on prep for it, but with ten pretty large books, where do i start? ugh, i can't do bad on this one, it needs to at least increase somewat; i'm real nervous about that.. i got so overstressed last night after talking to my dad. first because of the math deal, i had no idea wat i would do. i knew my options, i just didn't kno which was the best choice to make. i'm sure that i will end up feeling like i made the wrong choice, but watever i didn't have enough time to sit and think about it. and than he started talking about college, and having to start volunteering at places and also getting a job. i won't mind volunteering, as long as it isn't at the hospital and i go wenever i want. i'm sorry that i can't do good for the unfortunate healthwise, but i would break down being around older people and young kids who are sick, i would just want to cry. i'd LOVE to help them, just not in that way. i feel like a terrible person for not wanting to help people in the hospital, i just don't think i could do it, the hospital scares me. and about the job, i don't think i can do that right now with school, i am already not doing well.. nevermind having to go to a job i wouldn't enjoy anyway. i am the lazy child in the family, kim has been working since even before she was sixteen. last job i had lost my hope in all jobs. i get nervous, and i don't do well. people staring at me waiting for something from me makes me nervous and i mess up. but i kno that i'm going to need money, especially if i'd like to have a car, and everything that comes with that. there's no use in paying for car insurance if you aren't going to have any extra cash to spend cuase than there's nowhere to go, and with no money there'd be no money to pay for gas with. maybe i'll just ride a bike my whole life.. but i like driving :) i don't want to suck at life, but i'm not doing anything to help myself avoid that. one example to prove that is this, this damn thing i am writing in. i should probably be doing some chemistry homework, and cleaning my room and this downstairs, maybe even studying for SATs. but no of course not, am i? no way, i procrastinate, even having a headache from this lame computer i'm attached to the hip by. yep, i am a pretty lame person. ugh, i'm not doing well in breaking my bad habits. i should probably make some new year resolution, maybe a few. so, i've thought about it a little and elisha and i have conspired about it. and conspire probably isn't the right word, and that's why i'm going to fail the SATs. i know, you can't fail them but you can do bad on them. so anyway, this new year resolution thing. first, i'd like to eat healthier and excercise more, and make that routine. it never hurts to eat healthy, and it'll probably make me live longer. and excercising is fun, sometimes. second i need to focus on school better. i've already failed that idea since i've done nothing since i've gotten home from school. unless you count nintendo 64, a five minute nap, and writing in this thing effecient? maybe in my world.. third i need to learn more about this trust, and comfort issue. and probably that emotional part too. being emotional is who i am though, but i need to try and move on from that because it will get me nowhere. and although being comforotable with some issues is difficult, the past is the past and now is all that matters. i need to prove that all i care about it now to some people, especially myself. i can fool people, but i can't fool myself, so it needs to be for real. i don't kno wat else, there's probably a lot more i should be thinking about trying. hmm, maybe sleeing more. i love sleep, and i love you, and aim, and water, and chapstick. they're my favorite, but cleaning my room is not. but i should probably do that. kim's been using my toothbrush.. and i wore annabel's cool shoes in gym today :) oh yeah, the toms river school distract was the ONLY place in probably the entire country that had school! every store was closed, and nobody had work or school except for this obviously oblivious and dumb school distract. f you!