i want him to be happy, but i don't want him to lvoe any other girl. i don't want him to want any other girl. i want all of his fantisies to be me and only me, i want him to love me and only me, i want him to only think about me. i will die before that day comes. i can't stand the though of him wanting another girl, it is torture. i told him i am going to prom with nick today. i really wish i was going with mike though, we've gone to all of each other's proms together and it just doesn't feel right. i should have decided not to go because i wasn't going with him, but that gives him the control over the situation and i wanted to avoid that. godfuckingdamnit why the fuck is it like this? i haven't talked to jake all weekend. i was pissed at him since friday. and elisha you are so completely right. i love you genius best friend. ♥ i cried in the middle of wawa the other night when the asbury park press truck got there. there was an article about jenn in it. i feel like myself and no one else deserves to have fun or live life the fullest until kevin is okay and can enjoy life again. i don't know if he ever will though. i just feel guilty when i'm smiling or having fun, i feel like i shouldn't. if he can't, she can't, and their families can't, then no one else should. by the way i fucking hate boys. and girls too. kyle's girlfriend messaged me on myspace and told me to stop talking to him cause he doesn't need me and he loves her. i told her i refuse to stop talking to him since i've been friends with him since kindergarten. i also told her that i'm sure he loves her and i'm happy he does, but she needs to respect the fact that he has friends. she responded, and said okay i understand. i felt bad like i sounded bitchy so i replied and apoligzed for giving her the wrong impression and stuff. and that kyle and i only talk like once every few years and that he won't call me even though he asked for my number, so she doesn't have to worry. it makes me sad that he won't call though. i miss him more then anyone knows. not many people like him that i've talked to and i don't understand cause i've never seen the side of him that they say he has. he's always been amazing to me. life goes on. i just worry about him, that's all. i feel fat today. i wish i could go annorexic, but i don't have that much self control. that's probably a good thing though. it bothers the shit out of me that mark doesn't defend allie, but he defends alex.