i can't handle this anymore, i need to leave. everything here reminds me of everything i can't have. i feel as though i've gone insane and there's nothing i can do about it. i don't want to live here anymore. there's nothing good for me here, it makes everything worse by staying here. but there's nowhere for me to go, and i don't have the guts to leave. so i'll stay here and become depressed and cause problems because i'm a fuck up like that. i wish i could go live in california with my best friend because i don't know about anyone here anymore, and i don't know how much longer i will last. but we all know that won't happen, so more realistically i will just start to work every waking hour of my life starting saturday and then i'll disappear to school. i hope this will get mike off of my mind. but i hope he doesn't end up living the way i feel like he will, the way he wants to live. i have no control over that though, or anything in my life to be honest.