This conversation is going to be a joke I'll laugh about later. But right now my heart is kind of torn in half. He blew off our extremely important conversation for his friends last night, and today when there was an opportunity to talk at yes, the gas station, he blew it off because he needed to get a haircut. Um. Kay. Thanks for putting me and everything about me on the backburner. I'll worry about being pregnant while you get yourself groomed.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to say at this point. I keep going back and forth between being forgiving and understanding. All the things that come easily, or taking it to the court and throwing down like hard ball. I just don't know. Part of me believes it's time to cut the cords, but I can't while there might be another cord growing right now inside of my body. And if I am prenant (God forbid) then the ties I have to him will become more real and... the only thing to do is get married, or.. go our seperate ways. I can't make any of those decision for the next several weeks though, and somehow I'm not supposed to commit suicide within all of this.

Last night I wanted to die.

And 2 nights ago I basically did.

When that phone rings it's a 50/50 chance I'll answer it. And a 100% chance that I will cry. HARD. Everything that happens next I completely deserve. Bad people deserve bad things happening to them. I deserve this. And I shouldn't expect anything different.

I can't make anyone listen to me. I can't make him to listen to me. But it's funny how when you're dead how people start listening. Death is sounding like such an amazing thing right now. I want it.

If I die young.

Please let me die young.