Alright. Time to let everything out. Everything that I've been holding in. All the very real fears that i have about everything that's going on in my life. Everything I can't say out loud, or can't express to anyone because.. it'll ruin everything.

I don't know if I want to be with Cristian. I keep going along with everything because it's easier than trying to be pregnant and deal with a break up. Maybe the break up wouldn't be hard if I didn't love him and didn't depend on him as much as I do. But that's the problem. I do love him, and I've come to rely on him heavily. Maybe that was his plan. Is it wrong for me to think that we both thought diabolically about this. It wasn't my intention to get pregnant.. but I forced our issues to their crisis by pretending to be for weeks and then.. what do you know.. it actually happened. What if I can't get past his lifestyles choices that conflict with my own. What if what I want he can't give me, and I can't find a way to REALLY compromise and be HAPPY. Because that's really all I'm looking for right now... happiness. I feel like I threw my life away sometimes. Like I didn't appreciate what I had and the good place I was in. He was exciting and new. He made me feel wanted and alive. He did amazing things for me and my self esteem.. but he made me feel TOO safe. And I didn't recognize that, and by the time it was too late it didn't seem like anything else I could do could possibly be worse than what I'd already done. So I gave up. Why did I stop caring about myself? Why couldn't I find a way to love myself enough?

But does that mean that I have to stay that way. What if I still want all the blessings and opportunities that i know the gospel will bring me if I can just.. find a way to come back. But can I even do that. I haven't kept in good communication with my Heavenly Father. I haven't been doing all the things that I know would help me to make decisions.. and to be strong in all of those decisions.. but I can't help but feel like none of that really matters because I'm already so far gone. I've already committed the "sin next to murder".. I already threw myself away. And now I've created a little one with no real means to take care of him... or her. It's selfish of me to want to keep it. But I want to keep it. I want to find a way to give this one a life and a life with me in it. What if I don't want Cristian in it because I know he's mixed up in drugs, and he likes to party... and it's not just that.. it's that all of his friends to do. What if I don't want to be with Cristian because he doesn't want the same things with me? What if I don't want to be with Cristian because he won't be able to give me eternal happiness without becoming a member of my church? And what if I can't be the LDS woman I want to be because I'm with someone like him? And what about all the confusion my child will have to go through because of all of our many differences and the way we each have structured our lives?'. What about HIS happiness in this situation? What if he finds he can't be happy with me because of all the expectations I have or WILL have of him? What if this all blows up in my face because our loving each other simply wasn't enough....

What if it's not enough?

Alot of times i find myself wanting to end my life. To do something crazy that will end this crazy cycle but the thought of my baby always stops me before I go to far. But I wind up on the floor weeping hysterically and holding myself because this is tearing my apart from the inside out. I'm not beautiful anymore. I remember when I was in that good place I'd look in the mirror and see all the changes I'd made. My skin glowed a little more. My eyes were brighter, my smile wider. I felt beautiful and happy. When I look in the mirror these days I see dark confused eyes, a straight mouth, and an unkept Chelsea. I see someone with dark circles under their eyes and ugly red stretch marks streaking across her body. I see someone broken and sad. I see someone ugly.

And here come the tears.

What have I done... Why did I do this.... I'm so sorry, for everything. This one thing has made my whole life a disgrace..to my family, to the people that cared about me most... But the one person who should have cared.. myself..didn't. and that's why.. That's why this happened.

What if I can't break up with Cristian because.. I'm in too far? What if I can't get out of this because I've dug myself in to deep? And what if I lose everything because I'm weak now? I don't want to be weak....

My life feels over.

Everything feels over.

Please save me.

Please help me save myself.

Please.