Dear Cristian,

I keep trying to make this work. I keep trying to compromise. The stretch and bend. But I'm broken. I wish we could understand how each other feels. You feel like you're changing and giving up a lot. I feel like I've already given up everything. I wish you could see that everything I'm doing right now isn't for me. It's for you. I'm trying to get into the things you're into because.. I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. I want us to be doing things together. But why don't you get that deep down I honestly don't give a shit about XBOX, or video games, or giant TV's, or movies, or renting movies, or going out to eat. I go along and do all of those things because I know those are some of your interests, but why can't you show some of the same effort on my part. I don't want to be cooped up in the house all day. I don't want to be wasting money on things that we don't need right now. I just want to ensure a good, healthy and happy home for our baby. I want to feel safe and secure with a roof over my head, basic food to eat, money in the bank in case of emergencies. I want you to stop "being so confident" and actually go out and get a job so that I don't have to worry about that anymore. I want you to care about the things that make ME happy to. Spending time outdoors, playing games that require we talk to each other and involve human interaction, trying new things, maybe experimenting with cooking at home so we can save money, going with me to my prenatal classes. I keep trying and trying. I'd do anything for you, and I feel as though I've proved that over and over again but I can't keep competing with technology for your attention. I shouldn't have to wait for you to come to bed. I shouldn't have to stand in fron of the TV to get you to see that I'm speaking to you. I shouldn't have to wait for you to come back sometimes hrs later when you leave me down in your room.

Why don't you care about me as much as I care about you.

You can say I love you a million times but it will mean nothing if theirs no action or proof behind it. I get angry because I gave everything away when I responded to that number you left on the table I served you and Diamond at. I get so mad because I let you seduce me into your life and now I feel like I'm caught in a wicked trap that in the end is ultimately going to destroy me. If I'm so unhappy now, how can things get better in the future. And then I wonder if this is just what I deserve because of the awful choice I made to sleep with you, and then not listen to all the bad feelings I had about it. And all the misery now that I just can't seem to get rid of. Leaving you will be so hard. Ill cry for a million years. I'll want to be dead every single moment.

I get to this point and the only things that stops me from doing something suicidal is our baby. This innocent little thing that didn't ask to be concieved. It's not it's fault. I did this. You did this. And now it's the only thing that's getting me through each day. Is just how much I love this child already that I haven't already taken my own life. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on without some kind of extra help. I feel so alone when I'm with you. I feel so unhappy when I think about the future we've planned out together. I get so anxious when I think about moving in with you because I'm going to end up paying all the bills or having to ask someone for money and I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

Everyday feels like winter. Cold, dreary, dooming, and long. I can't find any light. I can't find any lasting happiness except in this little one. And I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to give it the life that I want to. I'm also scared that I'll fall apart if for whatever reason I don't get to keep her. My heart will break.. and then my only reason for living right now will be gone... and then I'll be gone. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY.

Why do you only say nice things about me when I'm down and out to a point where I can't breathe or talk because I'm crying so hard. Why do you only hold me close and take care of me when I'm trying to walk out the door. Why do you only ask me how things are going when you know that they're going badly.

For a second there I thought I was a good person. With a good heart. And good intention. And plans for a good life but I feel as though all of that is taken away. That I'm a bad person. That I don't deserve to be loved or respected or cared for. That this was all some subconcious evil plot and that...everything is all my fault. So maybe the torment and anguish I feel is all apart of my punishment. For being the way that I am. That's a second thing that calms me down. That I'm just not a good person and any bad feeling, or bad anything that happens to me is what I deserver, and what I'll keep getting for the rest of the time I"m alive and beyond. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to feel what I'm feeling because I'm evil.

It makes sense. Bad people sometimes turn out to be people who are also not very intelligent. Who don't care enough about themselves or others. Do I want my child to have an evil parent. Do I even have a right to be a parent with this black heart I've got.

I guess none of this matters.