its not that I was trying to avoid this, ok maybe I was. lmfao. and I dont want to sound like a loser that bases her life on books, but this book is really started to get me thinking. its me. its felicia to the fullest extent. and I think thats why I am so drawn to it and less to the internet. which is a fabulous thing btw, cuz I always knew reading was better for you than the internet; getting off topic here. Message In A Bottle is an absolutely awesome book I HAVE TO SAY! I mean it describes everything about me right now. it really got me thinking about something I should've thought about a long time ago, instead of dwelling on the past. "...You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't throw it all away by living in the past." o man, that hit me, hard. thats all I have been doing, since school let out. on June (was it the 16th? graduation day?) anyways, on graduation day, it didn't hit me. It didn't hit me that I was letting a part of my life go. I didn't leave the memories there, at Audubon. They hung on becuase I didn't even think twice about wanting to let them go. I really didn't. I still don't. ha! I dont want to let a lot of things go. I am such a loser for holding onto this. holding onto something that is not going to happen again. I won't get those years back at Audubon, I won't get going into the room every morning and seein his and her face looking at me, smiling simply because I exsist. I won't get her hugging me when I needed it, or him kissing me whenever I wanted to. I won't get him kicking my ass everytime we went down stairs in line with my knee. (he purposely stood in line behind me to do that.) I won't get her making me laugh with her "push ups". I won't get any of that back, none of it. those were the two ppl I wanted to stay in my life forever and I didn't know that I needed them as much as I do now. and they are. not as strongly as I would like them to be, but they are. I talk to them sometimes, and I think about them often. ha! I won't get that back and that isn't something that I was ready to do. to let go of the moments that I KNOW meant the world to both of you whether u admit it or not. It didn't hit me on that day, when I saw ppl crying and just being sad. I was embracing the situation, as a moving on point.... the inevitable. I didn't think that it would hit me this hard later on. this far after the fact, almost a year ago. damn. enough about that, and on to my original topic the book made me realize that i have some deep ass mother eff-in feelings for him. feelings for him that I have put away for quite some time. I didnt want to fall for someone again, and get hurt. and have him not talk to me. and have us have to start at step 1, all over again. I hate the weird-ness that comes with being an ex. I hate being an ex. thats the best u can give me? for being with you, loving u for so long? all I get to be is the ex now. that means that u can't talk to me... *sigh* I dont want to go through that again. but I cant help but feel these feelings.... gawd this is not easy at all. I hate it actually. with every fiber in my body. I want him. he's got exacTly what I need *lol* but........... grr........ idk. i keep resisting and soon it will get to me. and I hate that I hide this, and I hate that I can't hide it sometimes. its like a lose, lose situation. there is so much making me want him, and yet there is so much holding me back................