This mood totally describes how I am feeling right now. Idk what the fuck my problem is these days, nor do I have the slightest clue on how to fix it. Me and the family went on a picnic to honey creek park or somethin like that. Anyways, we were just sitting there, and I was looking out onto Lake Michigan... and BAM!!! it hit me, once again. I miss him. I miss everything about him. His stupidness... the way he has a smart ass comment for every little fucking thing. The way he makes fun of you, only because he's flirting. His smile, his SHORT HAIR. The way he skates backwards like its nothing. The way he laughs, when something is really funny. The little laugh he does when its kinda funny. The way he makes fun of u when it isn't funny at all. The way he cares, and his awful way of showing it. The way he use to tell me he loved me and his voice got all soft, and caring. The way he touched me, his hands on my hips, ass, face.... every single inch of my body he touched... and the way he didnt know what the hell he was doing but damned if he was going to let you know that he had never touched another girl like that. The way he kissed me at some random time, and the butterflies he gave me. the rush I got when he gave me a hickie, because I was worried about what my parents...would say... (more about his than mine) the way he pinched the fat on my arm LOL.. I hate that. The way he looked at me with no reason. All the times at the park. Every single time he kissed me, and how I formed him to be the good kisser he is today. The way he smiles when u know something u shouldn't. The way he tries to deny how he feels. How he tries to hide what is wrong with him. The way he really needs u when he insists he doesn't. the way he just made me smile, because we were together... The way he is... underneath his ROCK hard shell then there is everything I hate that he has become. the person that doesn't even look at you in the hallway. The person that all of a sudden STOPPED calling me because he..... well, what is there to talk about... really? I am no longer that important part of his life. I hate the way he doesn't even say hey Felicia. I hate the way he has other girls now. the way he flirts with every girl there is...and thinks nothing of it. I hate that he has kissed other girls than me, touched other girls than me... I hate not being the MOST IMPORTANT one, I hate that! I hate how cold he is now. I hate that he ignores Amanda, because he doesn't want to talk about what is wrong with him, because he insists there is nothing wrong. That he has just put it all away and thinks well... doesn't deal with his problems... doesn't talk shit out, closes himself from the world...I hate that he is just not there to ask me what is wrong. I see him being with other ppl, not just girls. with other people in general. I am no longer considered part of his group, part of the people he talks to on a daily basis. I hate that I am just not as important to him as I was last year at this time. I hate that... HE ISN'T MINE ANYMORE it really sucks and I can't believe that now I just wrote that and now everyone will know how I really feel about the situation. I really liked that boy, I really really really really really liked him. I can't believe I have to let him go without a fight and now I can't be with him. I had my chance, and I didnt know what I had back then. I didn't know what I was doing. I would've done so much more. I would've taken things more seriously. I would've been there. I would've LET U COME OVER ON A SCHOOL DAY! AHHHH! there is so much I wish would've done because I could've saved us. I could be saying, its been two years, and look how far we've come. I regret doing anything that made u mad, sad, unloved. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any bad thing I have ever said about you. you had to have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. and the worst part? is that I think that every girl he ever talks to takes that privilege for grantid, because I would give anything at this point to be able to talk to him, to be able to have him trust me, to be able to tell me what he does others... to be able to know how he feels about me... to be able to just call him... and talk and have him want to talk to me. do you want to talk to me? do you want to even know me? do u even want to admit u were mine for like a YEAR? do u even want to admit I was ur FIRST LOVE!?!? do u even want to admit that u were MINE????? do u even CARE???? wow. are u happy now? that u know that I still feel this way? did I feed ur egO? did I make u feel better about urself if only I knew how ur mind worked. How u felt about me but I dont... and we'll probably never go back to being the great couple we were.... if only u knew truly how much I cared, and how much even a friendship at this point would be so fuckin great. so great. there aren't words to describe how much a friendship would amaze me!! so I have to move on. not knowing if thats what u want from me or not. I can assume u want nothing to do with me because of everything you don't do I feel like u want nothing to do with me.. there is nothing I can do to figure out what u want, because if u wanted me that much.... I wouldn't be having this problem would I? I will never know what u truly think when someone says do you still like Felicia? so this eats away at me daily, and I'm trying to let it go, but when its in ur mind 24/7... u get to thinking. because I think too much I need to let it go, but its hard, when You're Always on My Mind.