alright its the day after the dells which was really nice. A very relaxing day for me to just be me. I've been very sheltered for the past like..... 9 months or so. therapy helps, but it shows me that i shouldn't be afraid of letting someone in that could help me. i'm sick of my fake pride. stubborn-ness is big in my family. i want to break that cycle. i feel just like i'm living someone else's life. like i just stepped outside when everything was going right. i dont know. i don't feel like milwaukee is my home. i just dont feel like i belong here. i dont know. i mean i do, but i guess i will be happy when i leave this place and go off to college and stuff. i feel bad for saying that, but i dont want to stay here for the rest of my life. i want to live on one of the coasts. i'd come back for sure and i will most likely vacation back and maybe make it up for summerfest again and stuff. this is a great place and i love it, but i want to see the world. or at least a nice chunk of it. I felt really happy exploring wisconsin dells and it was really really fun. the most fun i've had this summer definitely. it was great because the night before i felt like shit and i was crying about not feeling right. and then i went to paul bunyan's, noah's ark, downtown dells, and then rocky roccoco's for the first time. it was really fun and i felt really happy to ride the ducks and stuff. my sinus infections have become a more frequent thing and thats annoying. my grandmother gets them all the time i should really ask her what works. i use benadryl but that doesnt always seem to help. now i think my sister is getting them and that just makes me sad. a little girl like her shouldn't have to worry about that stuff. lol i'm talking about allergies. i want my sister to enjoy her childhood as best as possible. mainly because i didnt have one. i did, but then at the age of 6 we moved to milwaukee and i had to grow up real qucik. year after year something stupid was happening. now things are just all retarded. fortunately, i dont blame myself for it all. it takes two to make in accident. or in this case, 4. nothing that felicia can't pull through. i just dont want to end up like my parents and i will do my best not to. i love them and all, but if i end up like them... i'll be miserable for the rest of my life. i dont want that. i want them to be happy, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. its a very good concept to grasp. if you don't, then you just start to blame yourself. even if it your nature to help everyone... sometimes there are people that you cannot help. like doctors. sometimes people are going to die no matter how hard they try. its good not to always blame yourself. then again its good not to blame everyone besides yourself as well. i know its easier, but life IS NOT EASY. remember that. own up to your actions. say you're sorry when you know you've done something wrong. did we NOT learn this when we were little? say sorry. lol so i confessed my feelings then you come back and blame me for feeling that way. lol i love how you never admit you're wrong. especially when it comes to this whole fucked up relationship. by relationship i mean the general term.... being connected or associated with one another. i dont even know what to call this stupid ass situation that we are in. and now we're not talking again. i like it because it gives us time. all we ever need is time and then we try to rush something and then you try to run my life. then i get pissed because i will handle things the way i want to handle them regardless of whether you or the POPE thinks that i should otherwise. i need to learn and without fucking up... i will never learn. sometimes i need to see where this road leads me, or that road, or what will happen if i take this shortcut. its all about learning. we are young. youngins think they know it all, but really.... we have no idea. we throw around the words i love you and a few months later its all over and we deny ever feeling that way. PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE! you MUST NOT deny feelings you MUST NOT force them either. its a big NO NO because in the long run it will all come right back to you. at the end of the day all you have is YOU. you are your own person. regardless of the friends you have, regardless of the family you have... you are the only person who truly knows you. i think this is a time when we are finding ourselves and i too am confused. i was lost... and now i'm finding myself. slowly but surely. we're put on this earth to live and yet so many people are afraid to do so. think about it; what will happen to someone who commits a horrible crime..? they go to prison blah blah blah. but that doesnt mean that they are stupid. it means they werent afraid to live their life. everyone has their story... a reason for doing what they do. us being human beings should be able to look past all of the bullshit and realize that we are all people... all wanting to do the same thing: LIVE! ahhhh... one day, one day.