well today, i let everything out when it came to my dad. and i am going to try and type this without crying, again. so mom was gettin on my case about going to dad's house. on tuesdays we would go over there. and yes maybe mom is right maybe i am jealous that selena and him have a decent relationship. but it never got to me because it didn't matter. maybe thats why i felt that way Amanda, maybe it had nothing to do with him at all, it was all my dad. my whole life my dad has teased me. in and out of my life for fragments of time. right when i think we establish a decent beginning, he goes away. he's been in jail so many times in my life that I just dont think about it anymore. i don't. i was done with it. but then i said i was going to walk up to his house. i had no intention of walking up there. he lives about 5 blocks away and i won't walk there, but i will walk up to 27th.. weird. i just can't seem to make the effort to be close with him. it just isn't how i work. its not the way it goes. its never been that way. he doesn't know me. i don't know him. he's my father and i don't know who he is. from what i've picked up, i can tell that i am a lot like him. but i don't know the inner most feelings or the thoughts that he thinks on a daily basis. i dont. i've wondered, but its always been a dream. something i will never know. maybe thats why I was so hesistant with the boys in my life. because i don't want to get attached and then have to lose that. i did that with zach for so long and look where it got me. 11 months of heart break and hurt and pain. it probably had nothing to do with him. it had to do with a male figure that i needed. that i had for so long, and then slipped away. once again like my dad. when me and zach broke up, i felt alone again. something was missing. a part of my heart went with zach. when i say that i dont mean that i am always going be in love with zach, i am going to be in love with the way he was there like a father would've been, emotionally. i dont kno if that makes sense, maybe i am just being stupid. :( but with Matt, I feel like he is there for me, through whatever. through everything. he's amazing... simply amazing. I am jeopardizing alot of my emotions with him. The way he makes me feel when we are together is so wonderful. and i just dont want to lose that with him. I really don't want to have to feel alone again. thats why i said that you were the most stable thing i have in my life. because its the truth. you're the one male figure i have that I know i can count on to love me the way i need to be. it goes so much deeper than love because I put every emotion into you that i would a father, a friend, a boyfriend, everything. I dont want to lose you, and I think that is why the first two times I was scared. scared to be loved again. because the only two men i let into my life fucked me over to the point where i didn't want to feel that pain. Maybe thats why I feel like I miss you when I just saw u this morning. because I dont have you here with me... maybe i am getting to attached but I dont think you will hurt me like they did. i hope you don't. I really feel something deep for you child. i dont ever want it to go away. so i am glad to have cried with my mother tonight, for every single reason. I love how she is always there for me. she always has been, and i love her o so much for that. good night all. :)