Mood: Chipper Music: "Lucid Dream" - Soulus I had dreams last night. Oh yes ... I had dreams. This could turn out to be a long entry - it could be medium length, but it will definitely NOT be short. I dreamed much last night ... and today; yes, I dreamed so much today due to napping. I'll only talk of two dreams - being as how that is all I can remember, really. Bits and pieces of other dreams, but I really can only remember two vividly. Lindsay, Melissa. Bear with me. The first dream, is a normal dream. Unexpectedly normal. This is the most mild, normal dream I've had in a long, long, long time. In fact, I could swear up and down that it really happened, had I not known that it was a dream. The second dream, well ... it's the kind of dream that I've started this journal for. You know ... the -him- dreams. You know what? I don't think I'm going to talk about the first, more normal dream. I mean, it's just too normal. And I didn't start this journal for that. I'll get on to the serious one. Okay ... uhm - again, I have to remind people that this journal is for MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY - meaning that if ANYTHING offends you, GET THE FUCK OUT. I will NOT be held responsible if you go blind. I must explain - these dreams, I am me, but I am not ME me; I'm me, someplace else. I don't know. Another time, another dimension, another world. Something. I know what I look like as a child, which is what I am now, but I used to be older - my real age - in these dreams, until something happened. I think it may have been the incident with the dagger, not sure. But I'm a child now. Twelve years old is my best guess. I'm a very pale, very thin, dark-haired little boy who usually wears nothing but this man's white blouse - making it too large for me, but it seems to go down to my knees. I share these dreams with Lindsay at times. No, not just talk about them, I mean literally share them. It's the same world - but I have yet to see her. That could be because recently there was a war, and we were on opposing sides. She was ... is known as the white one, I am on the side of something she calls "the dark." And anytime I refer to someone as -he- or -him-, I am referring to the leader of the dark. This is someone I feel warm around. By warm, I mean comfortable, safe, secure - and though he is powerful, and I may fear him at times, he also fears me at times, and he doesn't like it when I want to do things for myself. Recently, I forgot how long ago it was because I haven't exactly had this sort of dream for a while, but recently, I told -him- that I wanted to leave. And he didn't like this idea, and tried to get me to stay, but I escaped him by going into my forest and creating a wall of earth separating me from -him-, Matthew and other forces. I'll explain my forest, then I'll explain Matthew. My forest, my woods, my trees, my small river - this is -my- home. I think. Actually, I don't know what it is, but when I'm there, I feel completely at peace, home in the truest essence of the word. Someone else resides there with me, a medium-sized girl with a smile and bluish-black hair. Like, you know how some people with black hair have a reddish tint when they hit the sunlight? Well, her tint is this sort of prismatic blue. I call her "Town girl" when I refer to her in telling my dreams because I don't know her name. But she's very sisterly, and sometimes I wonder if perhaps she is my sister, or just a dear friend. But she stays there, in my forest. And my forest, is filled with autumn-colors; the leaves, the ground, everything is autumn-like ... and it's no wonder, because Autumn is my favorite time of year. That just hit me. Makes more sense if I look at it that way. Now on to Matthew. Lindsay refers to him as "M" - I call him Matthew. I'm not exactly certain if they are one in the same person, but I feel they might be. This man, with the longish, dark hair and eyes - this man is obsessed with her, and obsessed with me. He didn't used to be obsessed with me, though, not until ... well, a while ago. But one night, Matthew raped my child-like body and he's been obsessed with me ever since. I don't know why, but I have an idea. Theory? I hold some sort of power in this world. Lots of power. I've been -his- companion - intimately - for some time now, and even Matthew, in one very vivid and frightening dream, has tried to rape me again and told me "now I understand why he likes you so much" ... or ... something like that. Emotions ... love, lust, sin - they can all be powerful sources. But it doesn't matter how much power I have, I still can never seem to get away from them, or see Lindsay. Moving on to the dream. I'm back. Not in the forest anymore, but in the warm, red room of -his-, lying on the bed, with -him- towering over me. I'm smiling - I smile a lot in my dreams. I don't know why. I smile often, whether I'm happy or not. But in this dream, I'm still smiling - and not happy. I'm older. Still not as I was before, but I'm older - maybe 14, 15 ... I can't be sure, but I'm not 12 anymore. Perhaps I'm slowly going back to normal from ... whatever it was that turned me into a kid. And he's smiling, touching my chest affectionately, whispering, touching my face, my hair ... it feels ... good, very good, but I can't understand what he's whispering. I start to notice that my arms are at my side, and I realize that ... I have chains on my wrists. No, I'm not tied down now ... I'm chained. And, now that I'm awake, I'm thinking that ... this can't be a good thing. It just can't be. But ... it does explain the strange feeling I get in my hands at times, the feeling like something is holding them ... that feeling I get when I'm trying to go to sleep, or relax fully ... I have chains on my wrists now. But ... not around my neck. Chain around the neck is not, most definitely not a good thing. -He- keeps whispering to me, I can't make much out at all. I remember him saying something about a garden being open to me. And I told him that I didn't want Matthew near me, or her. Whoever "her" was ... might be Lindsay, might be the sisterly Town girl. Could be both for all I know. I'm, just there in my dreams. I don't know any back story ... He told me "that can be arranged." And told him to "promise me." And he starts to whisper again, and all I can make out is "promise, we," and "be." The last word was "be." And I know I remember him saying something in between those words. I can still hear him say it, the tone he said it, air - but I can't remember the words; it's like that song you just can't remember, but you can hum it, though you KNOW you know it ... And I said "thank you." And he kissed me - and I touched his shoulders. I have, in my dreams, a fascination with his shoulders. Mainly, I like to stare at him from behind, just to stare at his shoulders. For some reason, I love them. I don't know why. I have that problem in real life, too, at times - I'll just stare at the curve of someone's shoulders for a good, long time. I'll use them to rest my head on, I'll massage them, I'll stare, I'll photograph them - but -his- shoulders are intoxicating to me. And, when I touched them, I could feel the weight of the chains on my wrists; I could seriously FEEL this. I remember feeling it, I can recall the feeling at any moment. Just ... weight more than restraint. And it doesn't bother me in the dream. He puts his arms around me, and pulls me up to sit - and he tells me that he knows I've been lonely for a while, and has some company for me. And I hear this medium-pitched hum, and I turn my head, and there's a hummingbird, hovering beside me. And I smile a little. And as my head is turned, he whispers into my ear, "Stay." I rest my head on his shoulder and I can feel - yes, I can FEEL - tears in my eyes; I can feel the stuffy, hot pain that comes to my head when I am trying to fight back the need to cry ... but I don't cry. And the hummingbird lands on my arm. And then I wake up. I woke up with that feeling of supressing tears. And I do cry for just a bit, though I don't know why. But I'm finished in a matter of about five minutes, suck it up, and find that I can't go back to sleep. And I probably shouldn't have anyway, since it was about three in the afternoon by then. I felt unsure of whether or not I should even go back to sleep anyway - did I want to? I wasn't sure. And that was it ... that was my dream this afternoon. The hummingbird? You're wondering about the hummingbird? In my dreams, they are -my- hummingbirds. My pets, friends, I'm not sure. Shamanism says that a hummingbird spirit animal means healing and joy. I certainly feel happy when I'm around my hummingbirds. I was told, a while back, that my spirit animal was a snow owl. Then I heard that it was a red-tailed hawk. I thought that maybe I just had two spirit animals. I'm not so sure about the owl - but I do know that the red-tailed hawk one is true. Could it be that I also have a hummingbird? I've dreamed about them more often than the hawk. I even had dreams of hummingbirds back in high school ... given, in one of the dreams, a hummingbird was caught in the house, and drowned in the sink ... that was not a pleasant dream. I awoke in a cold sweat because of that one. But, you know, we used to get them caught in our garage all the time back then, it could have just been my fears manifesting themselves in my dreams - me being afraid that one day a hummingbird would get caught in the garage, and be killed by the cat or the car or the garage door opener. I've always treated my hummingbirds well. I was always the one to get them out of the garage and save them - my beautiful, beautiful ruby-throats. Now, I have a feeder by my strawberries. Every once in a while, when I'm in the kitchen, I can catch a glimpse of one hovering by the window. And it always makes me smile. I plan on planting more bright flowers next year, in hopes of attracting more of them, and maybe some butterflies. And that was a strange thing about one of my dreams the other day. I dreamt that it would cost $500 to buy a painted lady caterpiller. How odd. Oh yes! I dreamed of butterflies the other night! I remember now! I was growing butterflies! Smile at that Lindsay. They grew to be beautiful Monarchs, that they did! Oh dear ... I've run out of things to say ... hmm ... more later. Yeah, it's kinda like that.