Mood: Content Music: "Heaven's Drive" - L'arc en Ciel Dream entry? Yes. Did I dream last night? You betcha. Do I remember them all? No. Unfortunately. Even though, when I kept waking up, I kept telling myself to "remember this dream! remember it" - by the time I'd wake up from the next one, I would have forgotten it already. The ones I do remember ... Were really fucked up. MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY!!! PLEASE!!! Sexual content will be somewhat GRAPHIC! DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY UNLESS YOU ARE A MATURE AUDIENCE. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm at that boarding school again. With people I don't really know, but at least Ms. Smiley is there from the last dream. I can remember her face this time. She's not someone I know in real life, but apparently I know her in my dreams. Brown hair, khaki jacket. Yeah ... I don't know the color of her eyes. I don't tend to remember eye color unless it's extremely significant. Anyway. I'm in this school again, and I'm with Ms. Smiley, and we're cruising in this cafeteria. And I'm hungry. Oh so very, very hungry. And all of the kids there come up to me and talk to me - and, of course, I'm happy to talk to them - but most of them are young teens ... 14-17 If I had to guess, and we're in this cafeteria that is lit by - you guessed it - fluorescent lights. Need I remind you of how much I hate fluorescent lights? They make me feel cold. Which I felt in this place - freezing, even. And, of course, there's windows, and I can see outside. And it's raining. *blinks* It doesn't rain much in my dreams. At all. I'll hear it, or I'll smell it, or the sky will look like it's going to, but it rarely actually DOES rain. But it was raining outside in this dream - and the cafeteria felt cold. Very cold. And all of these teenagers are coming up and talking to me. Some of them want me to sit with them, a few hugged me, this dark-haired Korean-looking girl told me how much she loved me and how great of a person I was. This brown-haired boy told me that he felt safer to have me around. And this other brown-haired, Middle Eastern-looking girl told me that she was happy to have me in her life. And, of course, I'm smiling at them all - because I pretty much smile all the time in my dreams, regardless of the situation. But all I can think about was how hungry and cold I was. I mean, I was grateful for what they were telling me, but it was like I already knew it - and I just wanted to get someplace warm and with food. Survival instincts, I guess. Was it selfish of me? Maybe. But I was hungry. And a little damp, it would seem. I don't really want anything from the cafeteria either. And this place is FILLED with students, I wondered how they could all find a seat to eat anyway. So I'm not interested in the cafeteria's food, or really staying there anymore. I had $1.50 in my pocket and food on my mind. And here comes the weird part. I knew I was dreaming when this happened. There was a truck that carried the students from the lunch line. Just a simple black pick-up truck with its bed lined with cushions. This was weird. Too weird for me. And, for a moment, I think of stealing said truck and high-tailing it out of there. But instead, I sneak through the lunch line, through the kitchen, and out the back door - into the rain. Just had to get away. It's very cold and wet outside, too. But there I go, walking on - towards the market, yes ... which is nearby. I go across a parking lot. And I have the sinking sensation that someone didn't want me to leave that school - that someone was trying to keep me in. So I walked faster. In the rain. But I'm not getting wet. And I feel like I'm being followed - So I start to run. It's turned into a chasing dream. These are common for me - always being chased, or trying to get to something - or both. This time, I don't want whatever it is that's chasing me to catch me, so I run. And my legs are tired in no time. I'm not tired, but my legs are. Heavy - like when you've just run up ten flights of stairs and your legs feel like they just want to keel over. And then suddenly there's this very large, muscular, tanned - very tanned - guy standing in front of me with the barrel of this huge-ass rifle pointed at my chest. He says "Where are you going?" And for some reason, I don't answer him, I just back up a little, somewhat scared at first, but then I start staring down the barrel of his gun, like there's something down there, or like I'd never seen one in my life - and he asks me again where I'm going. And again, I don't answer, and he grabs my left arm and pulls me somewhere ... It stops raining, the sun is breaking through the clouds as he takes me down into this forested ravine - where a bunch of people have gathered, watching these two guys fighting - completely naked. I mean, these guys are muscular men, but they're completely nude. I can see everything. And I notice that the dark-haired one has a really ... tiny ... penis. Like, smaller than what you'd find on ancient Greek sculptures or classic paintings - I mean, this thing is so small, it's almost non-existent. Why do I feel like I have to talk about it? I don't know. Because I remember it, I guess. And it's like these two guys are just fighting - fist fighting - for fun. Like ... Fight Club or something. They look familiar somehow, but I can't put my finger on it. And there are these people standing around. Dark-haired man in a grey, tweed coat - another dark-haired man, man I've seen before somewhere, feels so very very familiar, standing there, by the man in the coat - I know him, but I don't know from where - he looks like he loves to fight, though. And for some reason I think of quartz or crystals ... And the big guy that has a hold of my arm does something to get their attention, I don't remember what. But the reddish-blond-haired one looks at me and comes over and says "So this is him?" And this woman hands him a towel, and he starts to wipe of the sweat - or rain, whatever - and then wraps it around his waist and grabs my shoulders as the big guy lets go. And the reddish-blond-haired one (let's call him Red, for typing's sake) talks to me. About something. But I don't remember, I just remember staying quiet and still being hungry. And then I wake up. I tell myself to remember this dream ... And I go back to sleep, focusing on it ... and it makes me go back to Red again. And we're inside this windowed room. I'm standing by a wall, he's sitting in a chair by the window, inviting me to sit. But I don't want to. He looks ... a couple of years older than me - and he's wearing pants. But that's all. And Red is talking to me about something-or-other ... and all I can think about is food. And how I want to leave to get food. Because I'm hungry. It's cloudy outside. And I'm just leaning against the wall, staring out the window while he's talking to me about whatever, until I hear him ask me to sit again, and I still say nothing. And, now that I think about it, I didn't say ANYTHING throughout my dreams last night. I was completely mute. Could it be that I've lost my voice somehow? Took a vow of silence? Or maybe I just don't feel like talking. I don't know. But why the fuck was I so hungry? So Red gets up after I don't answer him and walks over to me - and he puts his hands on the walls, palms flat against the walls, at both sides of me, as if to hold me in place. He's taller than me, too - much taller. (But then, most everyone my age is taller than me.) And he's talking to me - I think he said something about keeping me around for a while, I don't know, I'm practically starving by then. And his left hand touched my cheek - And I fucking bit the guy's arm. Not hard, but it was still a bite - and he tasted salty. I like salt. But he jerked his arm away from me. I think he groaned. I don't know. But I lunged at him ... because he tasted good. I wanted more. Told you I was starving, didn't I? So I start to chew and lick on his left shoulder - not actually breaking the skin, but enough to make him wrap his right arm around me and say "Hungry?" Fuck YES! I'm going for his pecs by then, and he grabs my shoulders, forces me back, and plants a deep, hungry kiss on my lips. And that tastes good, too. And I want more. So I grab at his hair as he pulls me onto the floor. And I'm on top ... I'm ... never on top. What the fuck? I just start to kiss at his torso - licking, nipping, chewing - I'm still hungry, and I'm going at this with a full on fervor - I mean, I'm fast, I'm fierce, and I'm serious. And I'm not cold anymore. He starts to undress me, and he laughs a bit before he kisses me again. You know, not an amused laugh or a cold laugh, but the laugh of someone who's having a good time. And then I'm on the bottom again. And he pins me down by my upper arms, and he fucks me. It's doesn't hurt at all; in fact, I can barely feel it. But, oh, how he fucks me. And I'm not frustrated with him, I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't taste him anymore ... and I think he realize that ... so he let go of my left arm and let me suck on his fingers while we fucked. And when he was done, I was tired; my whole body was limp, but I was still cradling his hand, holding it to my cheek. I was still hungry ... but at least I was warm. I close my eyes and he pulls me to him, and I just feel tired ... but better, somehow. I feel a little better than I did before. And I feel his head against mine - on my crown - I mean, I actually feel this - warmth of his cheek through my hair - and he asks me "Are you still hungry?" I don't say anything, but yes, I am still hungry. I press my forehead against his chest - and I feel sweat and warmth there, too ... And I wake up. *breathes* Those were last night's dreams ... that I can remember. I can't make sense of them. Well, maybe a little sense. But why? Why did I dream them? I thought I started this journal to maybe get some feedback from people - but I haven't really gotten any sort of insight or opinions of any kind from ... really ... anyone. So ... please ... give me some idea ...?