I think I just accomplished something. I feel like I did, anyway. Paul just called ... just a bit ago. Of course, I'm online, talking to Lindsay - and people know my deal with phones, I just don't answer them. So it rings, and I go into the living room to listen to the machine as it picks up and - there! It's Paul. I stand there and stare at it as the first thing I hear is "Seth, I know you're there. Pick up." And I just stand there, staring at the phone as I always do. Of COURSE I'm at home, where else would I be, right? I mean, it's a Sunday night - what would I possibly be out doing? But he goes on then, he says "Come on, Seth, pick up. Please? I know you're there. I can see you." And immediately I think "FUCK! He's on his cellphone." I'm starting to not like those things, too. So I figure I better pick up the phone - which I really, really, really don't like - since he can see me. So I pick up the phone and the first thing I say is "I hate phones. You know that." And he said "I know, that's why I'm outside." Outside ... you know ... I'd rather talk to people in person than over a phone ... I'm just that way. It wasn't meant to sound creepy or anything, he just knows how my brain works. So then I just said "So why didn't you come to my window like last time?" And he said something like "I wasn't sure if you had company or not. Can I come in? Can I talk to you?" I said "David will be home in less than an hour, I don't think that's such a good idea." So he said "Can I talk to you tomorrow?" I answered "I have stuff to do tomorrow. We'll see." And he just said "Okay" and hung up. I did a good thing, right? I said no tonight. Despite my want to be held by someone all day, I still managed to say no. I said no. Tonight. I might not say no tomorrow, but I did say no tonight ... I'm getting somewhere, right? I thought for myself, I said no to something ... maybe I'm not as much of a marionette as I thought I was. But now I can't help but wonder what I would have said if David wasn't going to come back until 2 ... or if David had already been in bed and Paul just did the same thing at the window like he did last week ... But I guess the point is that I said no tonight. I said no. And that means something. David hates him. Lindsay hates him. I still care about him. Maybe that makes me weak ... but I can't help it. I do still care about him - he was my friend for so long ... What do I do? What am I supposed to do? Is there any right answer? I can't change the way I think or feel about him ... but ... I don't really know what to do either. I'm lost ... I'm confused ...