Blow, blow, thou winter wind. Thou art not so unkind as man's ingratitude. Thou tooth is not so keen because thou art not seen, although thy breath be rude. Then heigh ho the holly. This life is most Jolly." -- Shakespeare I originally started this journal to write out my dreams and get feedback on them ... but ... now ... I don’t know how to start. It’s been a while since I’ve done a dream entry. Last night’s and this morning’s dreams were very vivid and quite disturbing to me. I’ll start with the most recent. The one that had me, at the moment of waking, just sit up in my bed and stare at my blanket for half an hour. And no, I did not go to my morning classes today. I feel like shit. I am sick. I just wish I was able to go to a doctor to get an excuse. Dream One So much happened here. I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, but I remember being in a pet shop … and I remember Eiji. Eiji was there. And I was the dream me, I was Larc, and I was looking at … birds, of all things. Though what I really wanted was a cat. I don’t know why I was in the pet shop, especially since I knew that beyond those doors something was happening that I knew I had to stop. But there I was, standing in a pet shop, looking at the birds when I really wanted a cat. And I found this … I think they’re called parakeets? This white and green parakeet in a cage and I thought that would do it well enough. Found a little hanging toy for him, a mirror, a bell, and a food/water dish and showed it to Eiji … but I wasn’t looking at it. He just kind of looked at me with a smirk and shook his head, pointing to the cage. And I looked down, and there was this beautiful, dark grey cat sitting where the parakeet had been. And I just looked at Eiji. He told me that I didn’t have to pay for it and messed up my hair. The funny thing was that I wasn’t a child anymore; I was 21-years-old in this dream. Eiji, if you might recall, is this kindly old gentleman with white hair that I have apparently known since I was at least ten or twelve. He’s been like a grandfather to me, I know, in the dreams. I don’t know anyone like him in real life. So I opened the cage to let the cat out. It’s not a kitten, it’s not a kitty, it’s an actual, full-grown dark-grey cat. I think it’s a Russian blue or a Chartreux – I’m pretty sure it’s a Chartreux, though – after reading up on them, it makes a lot of sense. Chartreux And this cat was male, I just knew it without having to ask, and it came out of the cage and immediately jumped into my arms. I could feel it purring against me. And it felt so warm and soft. And I remember Eiji saying something about me being so much more like a child since the accident. I remember wondering what accident he meant. I know that he meant since I lost my memory, but I don’t remember how I lost my memory … Something had to have happened for me to lose my memory. And somehow I felt like he was involved with something, something bigger that also involved me … and yet, I knew nothing about it. Eiji asked me what I was going to name the cat … And then the cat jumped out of my arms and out the door. I walked after it. It was very bright outside … so bright the sunlight. Eiji followed me out. I remember wanting to go back inside, but something was happening outside, something not so good. And the cat was squalling at something. I went behind this shop, this building, which I noticed then to be on the outskirts of some kind of town, and there was this huge slope in front of these trees … And people were in robes … These people I knew to be bad. I just knew they were – bad for me. I scooped the cat up into my arms and stared up at these people on the top of the slope, people in dark robes. And though I couldn’t see their faces, I knew there to be evil smiles upon them. They had these children with them. Small children – the children were of age five and under … even an infant was there. And they were there against their will. A few were crying, and all were scared and I knew about these children. These children were blanks. Blanks meaning that they had no soul. They were copies … clones … something, but they had no soul … which made them susceptible to possession. I don’t remember the exact words. I don’t think I want to remember the exact words that the robed men said. They were going to kill these children off, soul or no soul, one by one to see which one that Lucifer would possess. I couldn’t understand why they were doing this. I’d thought that Lucifer had already possessed someone, already lived within someone, and if Lucifer was already someone, then how could he possess someone else. And then, out of these seventeen children, the first one was thrown over the slope. And I suddenly became scared. Each child was thrown one after another over the slope, so fast – and all the while, these men chanted something about how Lucifer would possess one. And suddenly I was aware of what they were trying to do. They were trying to flush me out, to find me. They knew it was me, they knew that what they were doing would bring me out, make me confess … And then I would be caught. I had to stay hidden … I had to. Eiji was behind me, I knew that he didn’t want me to give myself in, but there was nothing he could do, he was not allowed to interfere. But these children were pushed over the edge, falling to their death, dying … so fast, one after the other. I couldn’t just let these children die … souls or no souls. And they got to the last one … it was just a newborn, and the man was holding it over the edge ready to drop it, and I just screamed, running out to the slope to catch this baby if they dropped it. I kept screaming “no! stop it!” “I’m the one you’re after!” “I’m Lucifer!” “Stop hurting them! Please! I’m the one you’re after!” I remember saying something about how I was really the one that was supposed to tempt others, not them … And then there was quiet. And I realized what I had done. I could see Eiji’s face as the last robed man pulled the infant back to him. Eiji had closed his eyes, turning his head, and though he was smiling … he held a sad smile, so sad. He looked as though he was about to cry. I even saw him cover his eyes with his left hand as he turned away from me. I knew that he knew I had just gotten myself into a load of trouble. I could feel what he was feeling – he hadn’t wanted me to expose myself like that, he’d wanted me to keep to myself, to not give in … I sensed the word “selfless” from him … but that was all, because then I had realized that it had all been a trick … because I looked to the ground and the bodies of the children had faded. It had all just been a trick … there had been no children. It was all just a trick to make me confess … or rather … remember? And now I was stuck. And that’s when I woke up. It’s dreams like this … that really make you think about who you are. Makes you re-evaluate your beliefs and look deep within yourself. It makes you ask questions of yourself … so many questions. Feedback on this dream is greatly appreciated. The next dreams happened in order, so I might as well just make it one long dream. Dream Two First … remember that a while back I had a dream involving a blonde woman with her hair in a bun … she’d tricked me, trying to get me to stay with her forever by thinking that I was with my parents … it was an old dream. I don’t remember which entry it’s under, but it’s there somewhere. But, I had another dream, a few weeks ago. It was like … a memory dream. I was in this casket … or capsule or something – but it was made of this crystal material. Prisms in this web-like-branching-out design – but I was inside of it all. Everyone around me thought I was unconscious, that I was in a state of stasis, but I was conscious. I remembered what went on, I just couldn’t move or speak. I couldn’t open my eyes … And I remember that I had been caught and put in there to keep me from escaping, but I just wanted to get out, not to escape, but to just … get out. To move. To talk to someone … that’s all I wanted. And these people were taking me from place to place. I was in the back of this large vehicle, some transport thing, and I remember the thing rocking and then stopping. That blonde woman was there, and she was touching my “casket” saying something like “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you. I’ll always protect you. You will be safe with me.” I must have been fourteen or something … I remember being younger in this dream. This was just … a memory. And even though I couldn’t open my eyes, I could see what was going on. I saw her shooting people that were trying to get in. I saw her jump away from me when her coworkers were killed, kick their bodies out of the vehicle, then take the driver’s seat and drive off. I remember the road was bumpy. And I remember suddenly realizing that I was encased in crystal … and if that was true, then I wasn’t breathing! And I was very frightened. Next part – She was pouring this liquid stuff on the crystal of my casket. It was supposed to break it down so she could get me out of there easier. I remember she was talking … just talking as she coated it over the crystal. I don’t remember what she was talking about. I do remember the words “you’ll be safe.” But she tended to say that a lot. She got out this gun and, instead of shooting the crystal with it, she whacked at it with the butt of the gun and it just … shattered. The second it all fell off of me, I gasped for air and coughed. I remember her saying “You’ll be safe now” as she wrapped her arms around me. She kept holding me close, rocking me, and stroking my hair. “You’ll be safe with me,” she kept saying. But all I could really focus on then was breathing. Just breathing. “You’re safe now. You’re safe now.” I could still hear bits of crystal falling off of me and onto the floor. Next Part – I just wanted to go outside. I just wanted to get out and walk around and do something … something besides be stuck inside a room. It seemed like every time I left my bed, that blonde woman would come in and tell me go get back into it. This happened several times until I finally pleaded to her, with tears in my eyes, to let me get out, because I’d been trapped inside that crystal for so long. And I remember her saying that my mind games wouldn’t work on her, and that I wasn’t going to tempt or trick her into doing what I wanted her to do. When she left the room that time, I sat on the bed and just burst into tears. I honestly wanted to go outside. I wasn’t trying to trick her. I wasn’t going to run away. I honestly just wanted to go outside. What was so wrong with that? I couldn’t understand. The next three times I asked her, pleaded with her to let me out, but she kept saying no. So I gave up. And I stopped talking … to her. In fact, I stopped talking completely. When she walked into the room, I wouldn’t even look at her. I just gave her the silent treatment, each time with tears in my eyes. Next Part – I was older. It was present time, 21-years-old, and I was trying to find this woman. I wanted answers. I was starting to get my memory back, and since I remembered that, I wanted to find her for perhaps she had a clue as to who I was, what I was doing here, or why people were always after me. Just answers. And every time I rounded a corner, I had to turn around and hide because I would see the back of a person that I didn’t want to find me. I didn’t know what I was doing or really where I was … I just knew that I wanted to find her. I don’t know if I ever did. … feel free to comment on any of this. Feedback is greatly appreciated. As for everything else in my life, I just have been feeling like shit lately. Aside from the fact that I sprained my elbow at work, I’ve been getting this head cold off and on and each time I get it, it keeps getting worse and worse and worse and worse … All I want to do is sleep. I have a recital tonight, so I won’t be on the radio, or really around at all. Tomorrow, though, I don’t have to work … at either place, so I have yet ANOTHER doctor’s appointment that afternoon, but this time in Bowling Green. I’m so ecstatic. No, not really. I’m going to class now. Hopefully, I will be able to spend more time with those I care for next week, being as how I only have two days of classes before Thanksgiving break. Yay. Blessed be.