Just a dream entry ... none too exciting. Tomorrow's the big day. OZZFEST! Yes ... leaving at 5:30 in the morning to drive up to Indy. WOOT! But this also means going to bed earlier tonight ... yes ... shame. I have an interview at TGIFriday's Friday at 3 ... I'd really like to work there - they have great service, and it's a friendly, happy environment ... I'm actually more excited about working there than going to Ozzfest - I hope this is shown in the interview on Friday. I'm going to do my dreams out of order tonight ... the reason being that I want to discuss a couple of them. Last Dream: I wasn't sure where I was, but it was a dark place. And ... there's people everywhere - people following me everywhere - and I just wanted to get away. I just wanted to get to somewhere or someone. This was the first time I'd ever actually heard someone refer to me as "dark" ... the first time I'd ever actually heard it said. I'm not sure exactly what it was said, but the word "dark" was used in reference to me by this man ... or woman ... I don't remember, everything happened so fast and was so blurry. These people wanted me for something ... I didn't know what at the time, but they finally got me and brought me to the middle of this dark room ... sat me in the center, in the middle of this white circle, in the middle of a circle of people and made me chant something ... because only I could say it ... and they wanted whatever it was that it would give them. It was a slow, middle-ages gothic sounding chant ... I don't remember how it went ... and I remember, in the dream, saying it, even though I was frightened and tired - I remember saying it as thought I had it memorized, rehearsed - it just came from my lips ... you know, how sometimes you can just say the lines to songs without even thinking ... but this was a chant ... and there was strange music playing ... I can't even describe it. But they made me chant this ... something. And I could feel my energy just draining from me ... draining ... and I closed me eyes - and could see out of my third eye - I could see myself ... my hair was turning white. And I could tell that they were getting what they wanted, but I couldn't stop saying it. When I woke up, I was aware that I had been brainwashed in the dream - but while I was actually dreaming, I didn't know - I was just screaming in my mind over and over again to stop chanting, but I couldn't stop. There was a man in my dream ... who fallowed me when I was done. He was tall, wore a brown jacket, had dark, wild hair ... his name was Ashes. And the reason why he was called that because everywhere he went, he left a trail of ashes in his wake. Everywhere he walked, he leaves a trail of ashes. I was taken to another dark room, to where a woman was waiting for me - I never saw her entire face because she kept her back to me the entire time. She had long, brown hair and wore a navy top. Her name was Wolf. In my mind, I had memories of her - suddenly all of these memories ... but I felt they weren't mine ... memories of being engaged to this woman ... And I felt as though I was a robot - in my mind, the me inside, I didn't know who this woman really was ... but the physical me responded to her by running to her and hugging her. The memories I was given were that I had gone away for a long while and hadn't told her anything, didn't even say goodbye. I said "Wolf! Wolf! I'm so very sorry. I've missed you so much." But she was so cold to me; she just gave me this sort of sideways sour look and I knew that something was wrong. She just starts going through these paper - honeymoon arrangements ... apparently we were still going to be married. She shrugged me off of her - and I started to wonder why we were getting married if she didn't love me. She kept going through the papers, and she asked me, "Jamaica, Maine, or Bermuda?" very coldly. I asked her again what was wrong, she just repeated, "Jamaica, Maine, or Bermuda?" I said, "Wherever you want to go; so long as I'm with you, that's all that matters." She growled at me, like she was getting pissed off about something and she said "Jamica, Maine, or Bermuda?" I sank down to sit on the floor, and I start to feel very weird, but I try to decide on one ... I know I should just say one, because it really didn't matter - but I didn't know which one to say. But as I was thinking on it ... I woke up. First dream: I don't remember anything in this dream before I went lucid ... only after. I was with someone, I remember that - but I don't remember who ... it was a man, though ... I think. When I went lucid, I reminded myself that I had to find someone - and it took a while, of me standing in this beige-ish, cream-ish place to remember who ... I had to find Niveus, I had to talk to her - because she told me to talk to her. But before I could do anything, there she was. I'd found her - or she'd found me ... but she looked different - I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something different about her - she felt like the same Niveus ... but she looked different. But I smiled at her all the same, and took a few steps toward her ... there was grass at my feet ... yet I was indoors ... or I thought I was. But I had to talk to her - I didn't know what to talk about, but I had to talk to her ... But just as I got within a foot of her - she screamed at me - angrily screamed, like she was outraged, and pointed a gun at me, and shot me ... Twice in the stomach ... and once in the dead center of my chest. And I could feel this ... no pain at first, just breathlessness - like the breath had been knocked out of me as I fell to the ground. And I felt my head hit the ground - and THEN I could feel the pain - mostly in my stomach, the suffocation of being unable to breath. I could feel the blood flowing out of me. Then she started talking to the person I had been there with ... she told him how I was a liar, and had been deceiving everyone - that I never truly cared about anyone or anything. She said I didn't deserve to live. She towered over me, pressed the barrel of her gun to my head, and said that she should kill me now; she told me that she hated me, that she's tired of me. It was a devastating blow to me ... my heart was broken - and it was more painful than the holes in my stomach and chest. But I felt more broken than anything ... just ... broken. I stared up at her ... I didn't have my smile anymore. She told me about how she should just kill me, put me out of this lie that I claimed as a miserable existance; but then she said no - that she wanted me to die as I deserved to die ... slowly, suffering, in pain ... and alone. She told me I deserved to die alone. She then grabbed the person I had been with and pulled him out of the room ... or ... wherever it was that I was. And I started clutching the grass. I was so afraid, so sad, so broken. I supposed it was best this way - I'd always been told that one of us might die ... it was better off as me. I was expendable. It was better that it was me ... then I could send all of my power to her and she could be strong ... and happy. I didn't want to be a burden to her anymore - I would only bring her down. It was better this way. She could have it all ... And I started to sing ... or rather, whisper because I could scarcely breathe. "You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt." And I just ... started crying ... crying ... crying ... I couldn't sob, because I couldn't breathe. I could just feel my life slipping away from me ... slowly draining away ... I didn't want to die alone ... I was so scared. So scared. It wouldn't have been so frightening, I don't think, if someone had been there ... anyone ... I could hear this screaming ... lots of people screaming - but it wasn't coming from outside, it was coming from inside my head ... it was like ... I could hear Hell ... And this made me even more afraid. Made even more tears flow, made it even harder to breathe ... I tried to say a Hail Mary - just tried to ... as a last resort ... grant myself even purgatory ... or something ... I was so afraid ... but I couldn't say it. I couldn't remember what came after "Hail Mary, full of grace." I just ... kept repeating that. And the more I repeated it, the more horrible I felt, the more tears that came. I just didn't want to die alone ... so scared ... I called out to someone ... even though it didn't come out as more than a whisper. He'd told me I could, and since I was lucid, I could remember ... to call out to him. So I did. I called out to Cris. I just kept saying his name "Cris. Cris" over and over ... and it was no more than a whisper. Everything was getting dark ... I wanted it to get light ... I didn't want to be in the dark anymore ... That was all of that dream ... I woke up from this dream, crying my eyes out. Can you blame me? I think it might have been all of my fears just manifesting themselves into this dream - the feeling of loneliness, of helplessness ... the fear that she hates me ... that she's angry with me, that she doesn't believe me - or anything I say ... I don't know ... I don't want to write about this anymore.